OF REAL JOB N MORE - 2

Another evening. another post.

It seems to me that there is something infectious abou this autumn season of festivities. although i speak of a very Bengali festival but none the less it is a festival that means a whole lot to everyone in this city. I find it a festival more of spirits rather than that of religious imporatnce. Although there is a lot of cynicism as a budding feminist, towards the entire farce over worshipping the goddess and abusing women behind closed doors and on the open streets, but again it is a festival an ocassion that brings some thing with it.

This 'something' is the mystery of life. Someone had said that it is this 'not knowing' the 'mystery' so to speak that all that i am sure of. It is a truth very often realised but never verbalised.

The season of 'mellow fruitfulness' is Autumn, so beautifully personified and celebrated by Keats but he did not see the tropical autumn, the 'sarat kal' of festivities, the DURGA PUJO.

The relevance of this in my office post??

Very much a relevant issue, with inadequate holidays and morose heart over non- concrete (sic) plans.. I was down in the dumps. The feeling was one of frustration. Now that I am earning and have the freedom to roam around with friends I have no friends to hang out with. Everyone is so completely involved in their jobs there was no plan till this monday. I was sad and I missed my student life, especially with an alumni meet last Saturday.

But now things seem to be falling into place with a couple of tentative plans and something that i was missing, the clamouring crowds who all want to hang out with me and i who sit here as "I mete and dole" my time amongst them like old Ulysses.

HMMM my creativity sometimes kicks in from some where and leaves my Posts littered (literally!) with some sudden traces of literary references.

more later ...

OF REAL JOB N MORE -1

it has officially been 2 and 1/2 mnths in dis plc n i hv been lazy nt to post anything. d reason being i jus did not get the time. yes time mngt is nt one of my fortes but i hve nw learnt hw to do it. liek evrything it takes a lil time to learn hw to do things right and hw to find the time reqd for putting everything in ur life into practise.
earning the first salary did not really feel that different than spending time at college bcoz of the trng mode we were in. but later in aug once gvn projects n responsibilities it bcme more obvs that the salary we earnded needed a lot of hardwork behind it.
initially being patient was tough even sitting in offc for 8 hrs felt vry difficult but nw the day goes by, in wat seemed ages and millania nw i do so much n feel i need to do so much more. the clock hands move past the 6 clock mark n the mind and body do not react.
sometimes i feel i am ina stupor, the surreal environemnt created by the artificial lights and circulated air makes it tough to remember wat time is it. it seems we are in a spaceship and there fore unable to keep track of time. we are not aging whereas everything around us is changing and is different everytime we stop and look at them.
may be i thinking too much!!

on a rainy day

There are days when the entire world seems grey, jus like the lady in The gift of the Magi i look outside the wide large tinted glasses of my office i see a world that is grey.

The sky is grey threatening to break forth into torrents of sorrow, and bitterness. The birds are not in flight as they huddle in dark damp trees afraid of the tears that the sky sheds. The black asphalt is muddied and grey with trampling feets and gurgling rivulets and stagnant puddles.

Whatever i look at is grey and the dreariness seeps from the atmosphere into the entire frame, my corporal frame is drenched in sadness, in bitterness, in complete disharmony, and out of tune with all that is happy and festive.

Strange that in this festivity i find myself stealing heavy sighs and dabbing the cornor of my eyes which seem to leak a couple of tears the sky has shed today.

Someone had written, i like the rains, because in it i can cry without having to wipe my tears.

Today i start to believ and see how alone we are in this world, may be Arnold was right, we are but separate islands and teh sea of distance will neevr let us meet, there is no bridge that is permanent, that will last through the pain and the misunderstandings and the hate and teh bitterness. Sucj tides sweep away the new formed and old bridges leaving us gasping from the deluge that fprces us asunder.

But to talk of the reality i am too coward to accept i hide behind the creative words which leave a lot of truth to be desired...

NEVER DO GOOD

STRANGE that i am actually writing this post! i am so surprised by the ability of people to hurt others especially when their wants are not being taken care of. its so sad, really. sad. one of my so called frnds has a prob wid his PC n needs a RAM. i hve a spare one which i can give, but i am jus nt getting d time to take him hme so he can take dat out frm my PC. and so he accuses me of selfishness reminding me timely of how he had given a particualr book i had asked for with forthriteness. the truth is i had never used that book, i had asked it frm him as a ref but later jus did not require it. sometimes i feel like telling him that but something prevents me from mouthing those words. may be i am afraid he will nt belive thinking i am jus saying that.. and trying to find excuses. then i realise that the reason i dont want to say anything is because i am tired, yes i am very tried of fights, hurt, pain, emotions, tears and everything else that i have wasted, shed and faced in the last couple of years frequently and almost everyday in the last few months. i will not cry, that is what i have decided, if peple want to say hurtful things, they will have to find someone else, if pple think they can make me cry then they are mistaken....

from today .. no more tears.. and no more good deeds either...

people jus dont deserve any help or a sensitive heart.. they dont need frnds, they need a punching bag if i am considered one then i am not available! not any more, in any case.

back from the darkness

everyone has a life changing experience. and of all the ones that i had raead this is perhaps the funniest. why is it so? because i flag the post as "back from darkness" adding to it a sinister ring, yet it is of no use, the reality remains thoroughly mundane.
let me begin at the start..
there was a point of time when i had got a job and finally i joined it, it is in the time of joining and before that waiting for it to start i lost something precious.. the creativity i boast off. and slowly as the time flowed past i became more and more bogged down with life and work and therefore lost touch with my blog.
now after a long time i have finally reached a point where i have settled into life and a life with hectic schedules and i have taken my life by the scruff of the neck and making it do what i want, i am finding time to read books and keep in tuch wid pple thru net and ph and today i decided to come here, like a long lost traveller finally back at a place where he knows the path and recognises the pasture and where his weary heart can rest.
so as bryan adams says...
"here i am, this is me.. "
I AM BACK!!!