Finding NE!!

Ha ha ha!
There is no pun, no sarcasm, no illusion, no selusion in what i have names this post.
This is a blabbering of a rapidly sickening mind which seems to find no release what so ever in anything it tries to dabble in. The fucking world seems unworthy of my existence. Where is the peace that we suffer so gladly for! Hah! as if in it's entirety this world is ever going to make sense to any of us. Least of all ME!

So, where was I? Finding NE is so "interpretive" (sic) you can think of so many things all together jumbled into one...

Finding Nemo
New
Me
you no... never no more of you, actually no you at all.

Selfishness engulfs everything, all pain and all remorse. Did you know that? Selfish-ness .. even as it rolls off your tongue leaves it tasting bitter as if it is burnt with somethign hot.
Yet there is only a temporary peace, pushing people away making them pay for their insensitiveness.

Can there be any release from the horror! A vaast empty pit opening out inside you, where you cram in everything from your days work, to the latest book, or may be a F@#$k even, but still there is the emptinees taht refuses to go. Is it something desirable? something like the turning up of the AC and letting the warmth of the quilt cover you from head to toe, feeling - dreaming - fantasizing that it's his hands that move over you...

But such terrible anxieties grip your heart and tear them away from every meaningful thing that you try and grasp,as you search hard across the mirky deaths of MANGROVE...............!!!!!!!!!!

.................

F@#$% F@#$% !!!!

JUST GO TO HELL!!!

White noise and nothing else
There's no more or no less,
Pain is all that remains
After love burns in Heart's grate.

Tell me no words of sympathy
Pull down the shutters on my mind
Let me wander in a lost city
Let me not look for any more answers.



JUST GIVE ME A BREAK!!

(No a KIT KAT)


Peace has left this mind
One flounders in every step
Looking for manna and finding Poison....


WHERE IS HELL!!!

Let me DIE n REST in Heat n Suffering....

LET ME LOSE all sense of truth, fairness, worth and all

LET ME FIND hell on EARTH ....

LEAVE ME ALL YOU FILTHY THOUGHTS OF NICEITY...

ruin all

ruin one

ruin life n death ... n love

LOVE = DEATH

Both are equally distant in our mind, and the matter of fact is both are very near to us withut us realising it....

F@#$ Philosophy!!!!!

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On the ocassion of Molly's Engagement

DEAR Dhoort,

Bhoot has threatened me with dire consequences if I don't do this right away. So, Here goes...

They say God doesn't take away things from you to punish you but to empty your hands to give you some gift (precious!!) to hold.

No other could have made me feel the truth of these words other than you Molly...
sometimes I wondered why things were the way they were.. and today I know that it is because they are just meant to be that way...

Enough of philosophysing, blame it on my emotional self...I am extremely upset for having missed your(Dhoort n Bhoot) engagemnet and not having been able to seee you both.

But one thing's for sure ... I wish you from the bottm of my heart... the best wishes you can wish for yourself. May you always find love whereever you go and may there be always smiles, rainbows, love and happiness everywhere, everytime....

There is nothing in this world better than finding LOVE... and I cannot think of any two people who deserve to be more happy than you (I mean you too, Bhoot(ni)!!)

Now that you have found each other.... don't forget us... 'lil (Middle Class ;-)) people who cannot imagine a day in office without you.....(Bhootni)

May you open a great big fiirm soon (Dhoot!!! please help) where you need HR's and Marketing people....

(aside) she's making me write this!!! "With her nautanki you can always start wedding management !!"

LOVE and Best (est) of wishes for d Queen of our office ... now the queen of your heart and well for being her KING.. you deserve accolades too.... ;-)

BE HAPPY ALWAYS!!!!

GOD BLESS YOU BOTH!!!


Read Dhoort as Avinash
Raed Bhoot as Molly.

empty hands!

They say that when you least expect it Life happens to you, and in a not so subtle way. Although it does have a creepy crawly way to come up from behind us when we are not looking. There is now ay to know how it overtakes us. Sometimes, we dream and live in that world of dreams for such along time that we fail to face reality when it stares at us in our face. And then we crib how we never saw what happened all of a sudden one fine day.

It is true dear friend that when you think that is all is lost there is still a glimmering hope of something nicer. One day my friend told me, GOD does not empty your hands because he wants to punish you, but he wants to empty your hands to fill them with something better, something nicer.

Look for the silver lining in the darkest of cloud and you will find that life is not so unfair as it seems at first glance.

enough!

It is quite enough, and I have had enough of this dawdling business. If people can get so confused and ridiculously insensitive then I wash my hands of all this.

How can a person having asked a person out ... completely ignore them and keep a straight face?

It is unimaginable to me.. such lack of consideration for other people's feeling is sad and frightening.

I wish people stop being so nasty and un-emotional ... and hurtful, even thought they do not realise that their behavior is hurting others, the least they can do is to read the signs and be a lil more thoughtful.

Anyway, what's the point of wondering!!
People do not care!!!!

Is it .. ?

It is when reality hits you in your face that you realize how you had been dreaming all this while. Love they say cannot be found, it finds you, someday when you least expect it. Out on the street as you pass by couples holding hands, you find a stray smile streaking your lips and some where inside your heart, in that corner which you don’t visit often, a sad thought comes knocking. Sometimes it whispers at night, the loneliness, that you try to forget wrapped in the warm folds of a quilt.

A lot of times like the clay balls we throw away we keep aside a precious ball as a gift of life, never exploring it, never feeling that it can be a gift for us. And then all of sudden like the brilliant sunrise from the East, someone walks into your life and you are left blinded by the glow, and almost half scared you close your eyes, you hide away, left speechless with awe, wonder and fear.

Then in a moment, just like all other things in life, you feel a sense of bonding, a longing like despair, like something within you earns to find an outlet. And all you want is to move close and feel what you can at the ends of your finger tips, and you want to discover the tingle that spreads each time you touch, arbitrarily you meander through streets you know and don’t, re-writing memories.

In the very moment of togetherness, the words drown behind formality, fear and expectations, then in expectation of something strange, wonderful, a miracle, a sign to show that this is it. You are left walking back into your room, and as you get drenched in the shower you smile, not knowing why, not knowing how, someone probably just knocked on your heart’s door….. And you dream, sometimes letting half smiles caress your lips, and wondering where all this is leading to……

May be dreams do come true…
Especially when you least expect them to….

“To love is human …
But
To be loved Divine!”

one of those days

I am not sure...
yes, it's been such a long time, i have just forgotten how to trust wat my heart says.
it is so difficult to think or imagine or hope. thats such a terrible thing to say, have i lost all my hopes?

wat is killing me is the conflict, and i have those in large amounts all the time...

never having thought something can be wanted or desired, because it was too gud to be true, and suddenly being made to stand under a floodlit stage and expected to respond...
i am completely blinded....

perhaps by my own inability to respond, or by my lack of enthusiam, may be i hv bcme boring...???

may be i have grown up..???
may be i have lost dat tuch??????????????


oh !! its so frustrating not to knw which way to go...!
i have always followed my heart but i am scared, wat if i am wrong.. i dont wana mark one mre hit for the board.

well my experience is nt worth mentioning, i hv a 1 and half experience wid love, n i have foolishly refused to be in love wid anyone for years now fearing myself....

scared that i may hurt people...
as if the criticism dat i received had completely broken my faith in being a gud person, n a person who cud make pple happy.. yes thats it, i think i have stopped believing tht i cn make pple happy!!!!!!!!

may be dats wat it is.. may dats y i am so scared...

i wish i cud say .... dat i like u,
or dat i really wud like it if we got together ..
it wud a dream like experience fr me.. but i am afraid to say the words..
fearing that this itself is a dream taht may break if i speak out....


help me!

MEMOIRS LOST IN TIME

Of a soul

Tormented by the Past,

Besieged by the Present,

Plagued by the Future.

By

Clytemnestra !!

chk it out on "storyteller"

http://spintale.blogspot.com/

today on 27th jan 07

I don't wana close my eyes, I just don't wana miss a thing ....

Wanting all and more ..

is that a crime??

well, may be so when d person on the other side is nt interested in returning the favour. all one wants is to spend some quality time.

is it strange to desire this little or is it strange to ask for so much but who decides that it is too much???

i don't knw and i am nt sure sometimes, people make me feel as if i ask for too much and sometimes i feel myself asking for too much from them, but i want people to ask what they want from me, and i am ready to make that attempt to return wat they want!

may be i am thinking too much today.

but it does hurt when for no fault of mine i am abused, why am i abused? is it my fault that u have changed i didnt ask u to change into someone who doesn't care or may be u have always been this only hidden it behind a facade, and now that it is out in the open it is hard to accept!! may be i have always known that this side existed and may be now that it is in front of me i am turning a blind eye to it!

i dont knw ...

too may may be's to answer......

what shud i pursue ???

happiness

pleasure

dignity

friendship

love

how do i prioritize ?????

reminiscing

again as i luk at d hr glass empty i find myself at d end of another yr, n strange dat every yr i find myself takin stock of all that is there n nt there aftr a yr, it hs been a long yr, wid a lot of ups n downs yet i find solace in havin a semblence of professional life, although nil personal life...

every time i bcme happy wid an event wid a turn of situation things jus turn sour! why??

it is perhaps my inability...

keep away from pple, wrk harder, keep cntct wid frnds, read mre, do mre every day!! write mre, another yr full of resolutions!! lets see...
a lot to pray for, to find someone to rest wid, to dream wid...
here's to hope agn!
to less complication, to more love n warmth!!
here's to the new yr...

10:29 PM 11/9/2006

A future full of recruitment, a time was there when i dreamed to d exactly what i am doing now yet there is the fear that this will become mundane and boring eventually.
The staggering growth of industries finds less and less qualified people becoming available for employement. Although there is unemployemnt on a mass scale but the employable candidates are a mere percent of the whole, and therefore, we find huge dirth of candidates...
learning at graduate level has neither developed their intellect nor their knowledge!
they say, i was born intelligent , education did this to me...
a funny t shirt quote but true nonetheless...
hectic schedule at office, which is driving my personal life into the Doldrums...there is no personal life so to speak!
GOD HELP ME!!!

FILM REVIEW

DON - THE RETURN

It is the most talked abt movie in dis season! No doubt there r critics who trash it, n

others who hail as the best movie ever by SRK. Again no doubt this is a SRK movie, n

everyone else can jus take a hike almost except perhaps prichops, but then again her role is

sleek and savy, and sexy... 'period'.

But let us talk abt the dear Director, the one who thot of this idea, to create a hype

around this movie he created and courted the not so always subtle comparisons wid the older

version... strangely all of us gave into the speculation, almost readily walking into

theatres at ticket prices of Rs. 200 each, to begin comparing it wid the original...

None of us were aware or expected... (more like, ASSSUMED!!) that this cud in anyway b an

original... for we have hailed Farhan as a genius wid a first movie hit, 'Dil Chahta Hai..'

'Lakshya', and suddenly he was making DON, y make a new movie and spend so much on

an old story when his entire recognition lay in newer stories.... but then we r perhaps nt

as foresighted as Mr. Akhtar jr...

A well calculated risk, wid a new story and a new actor, an old name and a few memries that

dragged us to the theatre, bt dnt fear after u hve seen it once, and the amazing twists are

all revealed, u wud like to go bck n may be look at the details which u may have missed, a

few hints subtle and not so subtle left for u to find by the Director, which pts bt at the

obvious last "twist of tale", that almost blows ur mind, either wid utter disbelief at the

director's pretentions or his belief in our being absolutely illogical and incpable of

reason....

But i will wax eloquent abt SRK's presence, only comparison to him in that is Kareens in her

one item-song feature, the rest of the cast well played but there was nt much to do, a bit

of spice added for effects, but the brushstrokes, if there are any, r very very broad n

leaves much to speculation, whether u chose to belive or not belive, the movie is a hit on

the box office, and SRK does rule.

Every frame he fills, he leaves nothing else in ur vision, whenever he is missing frm the

scene it is almost as if u wake up frm a dream and start noticing unimportant details....

Sleek camera angles, movement, the works, and great background score ... almost a complete

album in itself...
misplaced song.. "kahike Paan".. i wud call that sort of gamble to keep the ruse of being a

remake effective... till the very end, sly and cunning are the words for Akhtar as he has

again proven himself to me one heluva smart guy, who just went laughing back to the BANK!!

On the whole, go for it, chk it out, love it, hate it, compare it, end of it, HE makes the

MONEY!! N SRK is KING!!

online,,,finally

OK FINALLY I HAVE A BROAD BAND CONNECTION AND I HOPE THERE WILL BE ONE POST A DAY OR ATLEAST A COUPLE A WEEK, UNLESS I FIND MY CREATIVITY FALLING APART!...

GREAT!!

BY THE WAY HAVE BEEN GIVEN A TEMPORARY GO AHEAD ON OUR PROBATION PROFILES, AND I AM JUS SIMPLY LOVING THE WORK WHICH IS QUITE A SURPRISE..
APART FROM THAT I HAVE GOT RID OF A PESKY PEST, TAMED A FLY AND MANAGED TO SNAG A INTERESTING FISH!!

TALKING IN RIDDLES????

MORE IN INSTALLMENTS!!

EPILOGUE

8:34 PM 10/2/2006

Here I sit today telling you the very end of the story that I never started to write.

When she heard those words rattle against every defence she had built for so many years, the realization clattered to the floor, she had been fooling herself. Wishing that she was not the cause of all the misery in his life. But standing with the purse in hand in his room she felt the horror she had meted out to him in these years.

He said that she could never create anything, even if she did she would eventually destroy it.

He said she had too many options, and her attempt to ride the waves with each foot on a different boat would hurt her at the end. Had she decided in which boat would she take the final ride?

He said she had obliterated him in one way 3 years ago and now she had obliterated him again in another way.

He said was she happy? Now what could he do for her? Bring her Tea, Coffee or Water? Would she like him to wash her feet?

He said Congratulations. He said Many many Happy returns of the day in advance cause i won't be there that time.

She did not say anything, anymore, everything was suddenly her fault, suddenly she felt like a murderer, a condemned enemy whose worst punishment could not be enough to penalise for the horrors she had committed. She let her tears well up cover her shame and abandonement of all virtues. She had turned into pure evil.

Suddenly, everything blacked out...Who has made her swear to tolerate all the insults, all the abuses? No one. She took it on her own, so why was she letting him make her feel small?
Her 'asexual' angel has once told her that she never stopped to see how much her words hurt others and that it was not always about her. She had stopped she had seen, felt and today she got it from his mouth that she had destroyed him.

And then it hit her like a wave, she had just avenged herself for all the pain she had to feel all these years.

Yes it was just that!

There was nothing more to feel guilty for, all her attempts had finally borne fruit. All those days she had prayed to be able to face him once and know how miserable he was without her and one day to be able to stand in front of him in his house and see him at her feet. They had all come true at a time she had least expected it. But it was there for her to see, he was grovelling in the dust she had vanquished her vanquisher. Her Angel was wrong.

Now all that remains are a few lost strands to tuck in.

Standing under the shower she let all her memories, pain, hurt, guilt wash away and she knew she had ultimately buried it all, the past and the hatered she had felt and stowed away somewhere.

She became aware of the truth in words like when your heart is truly broken and pained someone feels it, and the universe conjures a path imperceptably that leads you to the final release of all the pain.

She understood the meaning of the words revenge is a dish best served cold.

She saw the meaning of a woman's heart is deeper than an ocean.

She realised she did not have to do anything anymore....


Everthing was just right.

Again Once more! ... ...

10:01 AM 10/1/2006

NEVER SAY NEVER!


It is ironic that on a beautiful day like today when all my plans seemed in a disarray suddenly something happened and i am again in the midst of a lot of ferverent activity. Eternally have i found myself crying over milk that has not been spilt. Strangely i never seem to learn.People i have said grey, wet and bleary goodbyes to have returned; sometimes to haunt me. But nonetheless returned when i thought i would never see them again. It is a miniscule moment in time when i feel all the weight of the world on my shoulders driving my knees into the hard ground, as i collapse under the heavy lashes of stormy weather. But there have been hidden silver linings in every dark cloud that has engulfed my blue sky, and i have been short sighted (which in real life i am) in finding it least of all being aware that it exists somewhere.
A trance number circulates through the torpid air of my room as the beats find nails to hammer into my brain, and the pain, oh so numb do i feel that every sensation has ceased and i am a person, no longer a human, i am one with the world, an entity and nothing more or nothing less. all i can feel are the corrugated edges of the keyboard as my fingertips dance along them, my eyes are unfocussed on the immidiate white screen that stares blankly at me and flickers here and there as each word is etched on its surface.

I go back to a tune that i had long forgotten, the spiralling memories flood me no more, and suddenly i find that the creativity in all its objectivity peaking through the masses of self-loathing, guilt, remorse.

Althoough this is meant to be a place for realities i find myself drawn towards thoughts that become more and more global, moving from the narrow personal hates and loves, may be thats how great writers are born or may be thats how filthy hacks decide in their own delusion that they have achieved enlightenment in writing about human life, love and emotions!!


SARCASTIC!! am I??

Nothing is over till everything is over, and this world has not ended and perhaps will not in a long time, then by my logic i will keep returning to the losses and gains i have made over the years in my life. A short life that i keep writing about saving it in this virtual realm has but begun and yet words echo thoughts that are centuries old. I wonder when we learnt to communicate did we also learn the basic motiffs that describe the pains and sorrows...
Do animals feel sad, or are we the only one of God's creatures foredoomed by our original sin to sorrow and pain?

"Sorrow", and here we celebrate human thoughts that speak/ sing of our saddest thoughts. Exhalting in the superlative, the melancholia, and so I sit quite unlike my favorite poets and tapping at a black mass gathering stray thoughts to bind into a book, A book of life; My Life!

broken promises...

I have been quite bad in promising to write everyday and then have not although i am here to give a rather sad news that from next week again i may not have net access in the morns but there is also a bit of silver lining here, i am getting a net connection at home which means if nt everyday bt i will be able to write into the blog once in a while from house at night.
My fellow librans bday went past 2 days ago and he wasrather sweet to point out that after having said i wud blog i have not done so, its rather nice to hear from pple who appreciate me.. thank u!!

OF REAL JOB N MORE - 2

Another evening. another post.

It seems to me that there is something infectious abou this autumn season of festivities. although i speak of a very Bengali festival but none the less it is a festival that means a whole lot to everyone in this city. I find it a festival more of spirits rather than that of religious imporatnce. Although there is a lot of cynicism as a budding feminist, towards the entire farce over worshipping the goddess and abusing women behind closed doors and on the open streets, but again it is a festival an ocassion that brings some thing with it.

This 'something' is the mystery of life. Someone had said that it is this 'not knowing' the 'mystery' so to speak that all that i am sure of. It is a truth very often realised but never verbalised.

The season of 'mellow fruitfulness' is Autumn, so beautifully personified and celebrated by Keats but he did not see the tropical autumn, the 'sarat kal' of festivities, the DURGA PUJO.

The relevance of this in my office post??

Very much a relevant issue, with inadequate holidays and morose heart over non- concrete (sic) plans.. I was down in the dumps. The feeling was one of frustration. Now that I am earning and have the freedom to roam around with friends I have no friends to hang out with. Everyone is so completely involved in their jobs there was no plan till this monday. I was sad and I missed my student life, especially with an alumni meet last Saturday.

But now things seem to be falling into place with a couple of tentative plans and something that i was missing, the clamouring crowds who all want to hang out with me and i who sit here as "I mete and dole" my time amongst them like old Ulysses.

HMMM my creativity sometimes kicks in from some where and leaves my Posts littered (literally!) with some sudden traces of literary references.

more later ...

OF REAL JOB N MORE -1

it has officially been 2 and 1/2 mnths in dis plc n i hv been lazy nt to post anything. d reason being i jus did not get the time. yes time mngt is nt one of my fortes but i hve nw learnt hw to do it. liek evrything it takes a lil time to learn hw to do things right and hw to find the time reqd for putting everything in ur life into practise.
earning the first salary did not really feel that different than spending time at college bcoz of the trng mode we were in. but later in aug once gvn projects n responsibilities it bcme more obvs that the salary we earnded needed a lot of hardwork behind it.
initially being patient was tough even sitting in offc for 8 hrs felt vry difficult but nw the day goes by, in wat seemed ages and millania nw i do so much n feel i need to do so much more. the clock hands move past the 6 clock mark n the mind and body do not react.
sometimes i feel i am ina stupor, the surreal environemnt created by the artificial lights and circulated air makes it tough to remember wat time is it. it seems we are in a spaceship and there fore unable to keep track of time. we are not aging whereas everything around us is changing and is different everytime we stop and look at them.
may be i thinking too much!!

on a rainy day

There are days when the entire world seems grey, jus like the lady in The gift of the Magi i look outside the wide large tinted glasses of my office i see a world that is grey.

The sky is grey threatening to break forth into torrents of sorrow, and bitterness. The birds are not in flight as they huddle in dark damp trees afraid of the tears that the sky sheds. The black asphalt is muddied and grey with trampling feets and gurgling rivulets and stagnant puddles.

Whatever i look at is grey and the dreariness seeps from the atmosphere into the entire frame, my corporal frame is drenched in sadness, in bitterness, in complete disharmony, and out of tune with all that is happy and festive.

Strange that in this festivity i find myself stealing heavy sighs and dabbing the cornor of my eyes which seem to leak a couple of tears the sky has shed today.

Someone had written, i like the rains, because in it i can cry without having to wipe my tears.

Today i start to believ and see how alone we are in this world, may be Arnold was right, we are but separate islands and teh sea of distance will neevr let us meet, there is no bridge that is permanent, that will last through the pain and the misunderstandings and the hate and teh bitterness. Sucj tides sweep away the new formed and old bridges leaving us gasping from the deluge that fprces us asunder.

But to talk of the reality i am too coward to accept i hide behind the creative words which leave a lot of truth to be desired...

NEVER DO GOOD

STRANGE that i am actually writing this post! i am so surprised by the ability of people to hurt others especially when their wants are not being taken care of. its so sad, really. sad. one of my so called frnds has a prob wid his PC n needs a RAM. i hve a spare one which i can give, but i am jus nt getting d time to take him hme so he can take dat out frm my PC. and so he accuses me of selfishness reminding me timely of how he had given a particualr book i had asked for with forthriteness. the truth is i had never used that book, i had asked it frm him as a ref but later jus did not require it. sometimes i feel like telling him that but something prevents me from mouthing those words. may be i am afraid he will nt belive thinking i am jus saying that.. and trying to find excuses. then i realise that the reason i dont want to say anything is because i am tired, yes i am very tried of fights, hurt, pain, emotions, tears and everything else that i have wasted, shed and faced in the last couple of years frequently and almost everyday in the last few months. i will not cry, that is what i have decided, if peple want to say hurtful things, they will have to find someone else, if pple think they can make me cry then they are mistaken....

from today .. no more tears.. and no more good deeds either...

people jus dont deserve any help or a sensitive heart.. they dont need frnds, they need a punching bag if i am considered one then i am not available! not any more, in any case.