7:35 PM 8/5/05

I have been wondering about how sometimes our choices are not so right and once made we have no way of changing it.I keep asking myself the question over and over again whether I was right in not attempting further communications with my best friend Sam!? At times I feel a horrible sense of guilt clotting inside my throat. Was I simply waiting for a chance to get rid of her? The truth is I had started feeling irritated with her, and my normal impatience had given way to nasty mean words against her, although not in front of her. But how long would it have been before I started saying things on her face? I am afraid that I have simply ran away from the bitterness that seemed inevitable at that point. I am also afraid I had simply draged the game of 'I am having problem with my best friend just like you 'a little to far and actually started believing it. I guess I tried too hard to be in the shoes of D after his unfortunate break off from his best friend. Guess I stepped too surely and too comfortably into those shoes. A mistake!It has been almost 4 months. Like always I think I felt sure I would in the end work it out with Sam. But honestly now I feel it has become too late to try and do anything. At one point of time calling her for her birthday had seemed a good thing, it seemed a good idea even to give her some time to cool off. But may be it wasn't such a terrific idea! After all the more time she has had may have deepened the hurt or pain and even made certain her misunderstandings against me. So it is quite futile, what more could I do?There is a terrible feeling! A feeling that I let down our friendship and worse for someone who really doesn't care for me. Inspite of all he will do or still does the hate once ingrained can never really be wiped away, they have left scratches and with every false step they become more etched into my heart and I am afraid I shall never really be close to him. Don't expect that was the motto, inspite of all I was sceptical whether we would meet further, that is ok I belive, it is my duty to call once on Sunday as a goodwill gesture on friendship day, although i can very well skip it, after all i have already sent the cards... but still one can as an attempt to retrieve an object one desires back, if only he would have brought it lawst day.Shows how much he cares! He can go to hell I don't care, just return ,my god damn CD.