5th feb 06

i went out wid popla y'day, it ws strange tht y'day one of her former class 12th frnd shud turn up, she was ok, i mean nice and all. u knw hw terribly judgemental i can get smetimes! anyway, she ws supposed to retrn by a train in the eve to kharagpur, and it seemed that bcoz of the traffic we might nt b able to mke it to howrah. then she gt a call frm her bf and she ws almost in tears. neither i nor popla were aware hw serious the issue of her cmin to visit a frnd to kol ws wid her bf. incidentally, popla hd been pestering her to stay bck for the night and in her initial negatives one cud hve easily read an uneasiness due to changing her plans in the middle and a sort of fear that comes wid realising that our parents will be very upset and worried abt us. i am sure thats wat popla ws thinking, she even offered to talk to her parents, but obviously there ws more to the story, i ws surprised to find myself telling popla not to force this gal.i don't knw frm wat instinct i did that. but later both me and popla realised she was scared stiff of her bf... who ws getting pissed by the minute, because she ws getting late and might miss the train. seeing her in almost tears and hearing her say things like "i have searched for committment and not found it and now that i have found it i don't want to upset him.." she is doing MA frm RBU in english, i don't knw, i almost felt a relief wash over me, i wasn't this desparate. yes it is grt to b in a relationship and right nw i crave nothing more than to be in a relationship but to be so insecure as to let smebody lead my life... i am nt sure. neither popla nor i could really associate wid her, but smewhere we both agreed every1 hs a diff way of looking at life, if this made her happy (again happiness being vry subjective and almost unmeasurable) then she ought to do it. and i thought to myself, may be i wud hve done the same given the situation.
this gal had been in a relationship wid the wrong kind of person although perfect in terms of career and all that, for 5 years, and smehow i understood the horrors she may have felt when dealing wid a bastard like him.i have been around several of these and i knw for a girl like her it must have been tough.i think she has kinda jolted me out of a revery, the need that i feel, and speak of will never override my personality, my pride, the essential human being that i am. it is a lil difficult to expect things to be perfect in such scenarios, but whatever the permutations and combinations that may ultimately cme abt, things i have a feeling always find a way to wrkout for the best.
i asked myself a q quite a number of times, actually the last part of the journey wid popla ws almost in silence as both of us were in deep thought.. i asked myself, wud i be happy in such a relation, hypothetically? after all it isnt difficult to see that the guy is terribly possessive and cares a lot for her at times bordering on jealousy.
anyway, as always i was unburdening my mind more than anything else. doesn't it seem that i ask a lot of q's and then never find answers, i must confess most often when typing the q's i stumble upon the ans or threads to them and never write abt them. popla says u shudn't compromise on wat u want, i guess thats right, there will be so many things to compromise on once u meet that person, it is stupidity to perhaps compromise on what u want, coz if u do that at the very beginning when difficult times come infront of u, the bitterness of regret may cloud ur heart and mind. as always heart is always before the mind... atleast for me....