Y'day was fun, and why not, I went out with my friends and it was a blast. I do so love them dearly! At office burdened with some dumb files, I cut my thumb and it was all bloody and messy, left after that for home, took a cab to home, got off, left my 2kg office bag, and went to cit center. It was great to meet the guys after so many days. Hound, Pri, Paro and Joyie. We 5 tripped to KFC, munched down a chicken and it was just too horrible, my burger was decent, but the original recipe of fried chicken was disgusting. Too horrid!
In all this Joyie's bf decided to create a fracas about her chili shaped earrings, dumb guy! A thorough MCP. But that was not the disaster, we sat on the soft grass on the lawn, and chatted, it was so good. All of us were aware that here we are making memories that have to last us a long long time. Hound came up with his future vision, us in offices, at this time next year. When we wouldn't be able to say, I am meeting up my friends after a long time, and I do want to meet them so badly. Well life's coming to an end.
Anyway, after that we came to my house and it was adda and games all the way till 6.30pm. We have made plans and I am not going to divulge them because we don't want then not to come true. Ahh negative + negative= positive. Shucks!
Every time any one asked me about D I went, "oh I don't want to talk about him, I hardly care where he is." But I did read the mail so many times; I haven't stopped thinking about him. And it is really killing me. It is. But then I know there is only so much I can take. I don't want to think a lot about all that is past. Not now, not ever. God only knows what is not in store for me.
FYI: not getting married in 2009 dec, Hound says a lil later. But then Marriage and me are poles apart. Hee hee!
"Every time you go away you take a piece me with you."
Wonder what's with Rick! Very busy these days, on one hand that's good!
But I guess I am worrying after him. I mean I oughtn't. I wish he wouldn't misunderstand my blog, after all this blog unlike others is all about real stuffs and not trying to be creative. Listening to my collection of BEST romantic songs and well, I am not crying, that's good!
One last info, dreamt of D right in the morn! It was too real.
As far as my reply to him is concerned he hasn't written, anything! May be doesn't check his mail regularly!!
I am not expecting anything!
Today is office day and well, here's a life that I do not like yet I must live for I have made the choice.
I do love my friends. They are such sweethearts. Seeing them making them at home in my house I thought just once about D, and I didn't want to have all the memories come flooding back to me, hey, who says my life's boring, I have had so many escapades, I am sure I will write a fairly interesting autobiography!!
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
30th June
hopefully will be off to city centre in a few minutes. so no live posts and also one update, D mailed in reply to a forward, he is a confused bloke i must say.
online pondering
well i am online and bored. whats new? nothing. ok now to talk about my own foolishness. i paid 1900 rs to my mobile ph company inspite of which they have barred my incoming facility, the jerks that they are! and i feel foolsh having paid the money just yesterday. now i feel i shouldn't have paid anything and sat back. this is wholly ridiculous and how can they do this, i should have simply changed my connection to some other company. ohhhhhh it is maddening! i swear.
anyway the only bad thing in all this is i will be without a phone for a couple of days.
if the whole thing does work out great if not, well i guess i can take another connection. ridiculous! whoever said that when things go wrong they do so in every which way possible, was most certainly right.
thats enough about mobile bills.
how about something a little more near home, well my aquatica plans have gone for a toss and that is no news to me, my friends group always seems to consist of people who can never bring a plan to fulfillment.
quite exasperating!!
today Rick said that he is not rich, but i guess it's kinda true. i was about to crack a silly joke but he said something rather serious which was dampening. i was wondering we tend o draw conclusions on people's lives so easily. after all being rich and driving cars is not he only things in life is it?
i mean, me and Ish both were sighing over Rick's luck in getting to drive a car. i guess i was feeling rather J about it, after all it is one of my, well, our dreams, the way he just zipped around his car i couldn't believe it. i went back home and wrote in my diary that if i was a guy, i think i would be like Rick, as in fellow libran.
i am sure now i would make a decent driver although dad has no faith in my abilities, after all Rick talks as much as i do, but its all about confidence, is it not?
of course the way my life is progressing, i doubt whether i will drive a car let alone buy one. i can't possibly drive dad's car, he is impossibly sensitive when it comes to it,and i can't tolerate his back seat driving. it just drives me nuts!
so thats that!!
what next, umm!! well, Rick drives rather well, speed yet safe. ahh! now why don't people see the pointlessness in having a car and not driving fast. speed is the very essence, ain't it. i think the only reason i would ever drive the car is if there is no dad and mum in it, only me and the car and a cd playing at full volume, nah! just playing and me driving. where would i drive???
umm! not in my locality, lets see there is a flyover that extends on to a road that leads tot his place called rajarhat or something where the latest spurt of development is taking place. i have heard that it is kinda a long stretch of very good road and open land on both sides. i would drive there. i don't like too many cars honking their horns.
you know something i noticed, Rick doesn't use the horn too many times, actually i don't remember hearing it at all.
i wonder is it the car or is it his driving ability that made the road to my house, usually so bumpy, so smooth?? wonder!!
ok long post, end long overdue.
next post i will talk about ... umm music cd's in my car. if i owned one someday!
guess Rick's right to call me a kid, to me such things like own car, apartment and stuff have so much importance, you know the whole financially independent stuff.
well here's to dreams dreamt and wishes wished, and hoping they come true!!
anyway the only bad thing in all this is i will be without a phone for a couple of days.
if the whole thing does work out great if not, well i guess i can take another connection. ridiculous! whoever said that when things go wrong they do so in every which way possible, was most certainly right.
thats enough about mobile bills.
how about something a little more near home, well my aquatica plans have gone for a toss and that is no news to me, my friends group always seems to consist of people who can never bring a plan to fulfillment.
quite exasperating!!
today Rick said that he is not rich, but i guess it's kinda true. i was about to crack a silly joke but he said something rather serious which was dampening. i was wondering we tend o draw conclusions on people's lives so easily. after all being rich and driving cars is not he only things in life is it?
i mean, me and Ish both were sighing over Rick's luck in getting to drive a car. i guess i was feeling rather J about it, after all it is one of my, well, our dreams, the way he just zipped around his car i couldn't believe it. i went back home and wrote in my diary that if i was a guy, i think i would be like Rick, as in fellow libran.
i am sure now i would make a decent driver although dad has no faith in my abilities, after all Rick talks as much as i do, but its all about confidence, is it not?
of course the way my life is progressing, i doubt whether i will drive a car let alone buy one. i can't possibly drive dad's car, he is impossibly sensitive when it comes to it,and i can't tolerate his back seat driving. it just drives me nuts!
so thats that!!
what next, umm!! well, Rick drives rather well, speed yet safe. ahh! now why don't people see the pointlessness in having a car and not driving fast. speed is the very essence, ain't it. i think the only reason i would ever drive the car is if there is no dad and mum in it, only me and the car and a cd playing at full volume, nah! just playing and me driving. where would i drive???
umm! not in my locality, lets see there is a flyover that extends on to a road that leads tot his place called rajarhat or something where the latest spurt of development is taking place. i have heard that it is kinda a long stretch of very good road and open land on both sides. i would drive there. i don't like too many cars honking their horns.
you know something i noticed, Rick doesn't use the horn too many times, actually i don't remember hearing it at all.
i wonder is it the car or is it his driving ability that made the road to my house, usually so bumpy, so smooth?? wonder!!
ok long post, end long overdue.
next post i will talk about ... umm music cd's in my car. if i owned one someday!
guess Rick's right to call me a kid, to me such things like own car, apartment and stuff have so much importance, you know the whole financially independent stuff.
well here's to dreams dreamt and wishes wished, and hoping they come true!!
new musings
well today morning was fun, i was as usual late at the table, gobbling my food. after i finished my food i was ready for a drink of water, i picked up my glass and drank a lil and realized it tasted like sprite, then to my astonishment my mom replied that she had actually poured the drink into the cold water jug thinking it to be a cold water bottle. so i drank a glass of sprite after my lunch in the morning, it was too hilarious.
anyway, the second point i forgot to mention is that i had a wonderful ice-cream flavor, its called capuchino (most certainly the spelling is wrong)at Amul ice-cream. it was too good, i love the coffe flavour a lot. and apart from the usual chocolate flavor i think this is my next favorite.
anyway, the second point i forgot to mention is that i had a wonderful ice-cream flavor, its called capuchino (most certainly the spelling is wrong)at Amul ice-cream. it was too good, i love the coffe flavour a lot. and apart from the usual chocolate flavor i think this is my next favorite.
musings !
Rick asked me, have you posted anything on the blog? and also asked me whether i like reading comments on my posts? well, and why am i writing this? umm! lets see, i was wondering, may be just may be i have a chance of writing something good, you know, like one always dreamt of.
anyway, the digression is Friday we are planning on Aquatica. yippe! although my brainchild, the idea i mean, i myself ain't sure whether i will be able to bunk.
let us hope for the best shall we!
yes let us be opimistic!
1200+700+400, and now dad says change your cell connection, what a loser i am! i swear!
anyway, the digression is Friday we are planning on Aquatica. yippe! although my brainchild, the idea i mean, i myself ain't sure whether i will be able to bunk.
let us hope for the best shall we!
yes let us be opimistic!
1200+700+400, and now dad says change your cell connection, what a loser i am! i swear!
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
6/28/05 9:39 PM
Another day! Such a drab little day, I missed my placement meeting and there was no electricity in office and it was just terrible, so stupid, it was such a waste of time.
New flash: Rick hasn't left his seat as yet; he is still in his seat so he was on both Saturday and Monday. Dumbo! You should be given an award for your imagination.
It is just so stupid, really, I wonder now that he will not be able to read these posts can I write something? Well I can always write whatever I choose to. I am not scared. Granted his department was quite irritating, but why did he say it was fine with him, if he had to stay at office every day from morn to 10 at night, I wonder if it isn't his defense mechanism. But why bother and think, he isn't your headache!
Without being too inquisitive could I ask him that? No way he would say something that can only hurt you. I guess working hard will take his mind off things. But I wish things would not have to be that way, I can't even ask him what's happening with his gf! How can I? After all if I remind him of something he is trying to forget that would be very bad. I wish there was someway of knowing. I guess I may be assuming too much, may be things are genuinely working out between them. God knows! It sounds bad to ask directly! He seemed happy, that is good I feel he should always smile. But then where was he for so long, I think and hope he was not alone, may be talking with the new people. He is happy about his cabin, cute! Very much like a Libran.
Do I sense a touch of disappointment? Well, there is a feeling that I will miss him, of course today I felt he was a little distant but then again when was he near? Hee hee! Bad joke?? Ehh??
Nice guy I most certainly wish he was happy, I mean I guess I shouldn't go all mushy over him, just cause he is a Libran, balance is the essential element that you lack pranks, get a hang of it.
Ok, enough of Rick. Lets talk about something else. What shall we talk about? Umm! I am listening to Bryan Adams, and he is wow! Spoke with Suvikash, nice name, he is an Airtel customer exec, cool voice and well, blew my top over the bill, but he is nice guy!
Lovely! You can't stop it can you darling? You are such a bitch!
And that is why I love you, oops; I mean, "I love myself."
Babes, you rock!!!
New flash: Rick hasn't left his seat as yet; he is still in his seat so he was on both Saturday and Monday. Dumbo! You should be given an award for your imagination.
It is just so stupid, really, I wonder now that he will not be able to read these posts can I write something? Well I can always write whatever I choose to. I am not scared. Granted his department was quite irritating, but why did he say it was fine with him, if he had to stay at office every day from morn to 10 at night, I wonder if it isn't his defense mechanism. But why bother and think, he isn't your headache!
Without being too inquisitive could I ask him that? No way he would say something that can only hurt you. I guess working hard will take his mind off things. But I wish things would not have to be that way, I can't even ask him what's happening with his gf! How can I? After all if I remind him of something he is trying to forget that would be very bad. I wish there was someway of knowing. I guess I may be assuming too much, may be things are genuinely working out between them. God knows! It sounds bad to ask directly! He seemed happy, that is good I feel he should always smile. But then where was he for so long, I think and hope he was not alone, may be talking with the new people. He is happy about his cabin, cute! Very much like a Libran.
Do I sense a touch of disappointment? Well, there is a feeling that I will miss him, of course today I felt he was a little distant but then again when was he near? Hee hee! Bad joke?? Ehh??
Nice guy I most certainly wish he was happy, I mean I guess I shouldn't go all mushy over him, just cause he is a Libran, balance is the essential element that you lack pranks, get a hang of it.
Ok, enough of Rick. Lets talk about something else. What shall we talk about? Umm! I am listening to Bryan Adams, and he is wow! Spoke with Suvikash, nice name, he is an Airtel customer exec, cool voice and well, blew my top over the bill, but he is nice guy!
Lovely! You can't stop it can you darling? You are such a bitch!
And that is why I love you, oops; I mean, "I love myself."
Babes, you rock!!!
6/27/05 11:29 PM
Yesterday I went out with Ish to City Centre and it was fun, we went to check out KFC but when that didn't work out we went to hangout. I mean I had thought that I wouldn't be able to walk in those same places without being overwhelmed. Well I slept well last night, but today morn when I sat and wrote that post, I started crying. It was painful.
I read books and stare out and feel I have overcome him, but I haven't and I can feel it in my bones.
Today again I went to city center, so we decided to indulge in some forbidden pleasures. What were you thinking? We were thinking of smoking. It rained throughout the morn and it was boring, so in the eve we went to city center smoked a couple of cigarettes, not even joints!! Anyway, it sometimes angers me that men should have the option to mope over lost relations, drink and smoke and get laid, and I am to smile and pretend everything is fine. Why? Wrong question, ehh?
Tomorrow I have to go to college, for a meeting and I am wondering whether to go to office, I kind of feel as if I will feel rather alone there with no Rick. But again I think am I giving one person too much credit for my mood swings. But I will miss him, won't I? Sweet guy, quite unfair that he should suffer for no fault of his own. Why don't people like D suffer, terrible people, they ought to feel their dreams ruined, then they would learn the lesson. But then again let us not get into the cursing mode. Why bother such people!
I liked Rick, his sense of humor but most important was the way he handled himself, amazing, sitting a little away from him, I think and constantly wonder, how much he suffers, and yet he smiles. That say in the car, anyone would have felt the pain, yet there he was smiling, doing silly things and it broke my heart to see him.
I must never listen to the radio, they always play songs to make me cry. They are playing, " jab koi baat bigar jaye jab koi mushkil par jaye…"
So true, yet I feel so lonely, so sad.
Why did you leave me?
The tears stain my face and I keep taping at the keys thinking, why and I know there is no answer, "na koi hai, na koi tha zindagi mei tumhare siva..'
Can I sing that? Rick would probably disagree.
Oh stop it! RICK, Rick, what's the use, and why the hell do you keep repeating his name in your conversation? Admire all you want, you can never be like him. You will break down and cry, and what have you to cry, you have never loved anyone, have you?
SAYAN, DWAIPAYAN… who have you loved? No one.
You never loved them, you just wanted them real bad…. That's it!
Rick has reasons, better far better reasons to be upset, why the hell do you cry? Don't you dare cry! Don't you dare say your sad.
But I am sad, I am miserable, I miss you, I miss you DWAIPAYAN. I have put myself in a bind, I can't call you, please call me? Please!
At least Rick is not around, you shouldn't care about what people will think, just call him damn it!
But he is with his gf, and why do you go for the ride, it will only hurt you? Let him go.
I wish someone would tell me how to fight this. Rick, how about him? But he is too busy!
I have no friends today. Yes. No Sam , no Sayan, no Pablo_pranks, this is over, I wonder if I am making a big mistake. I feel so incomplte without you.
S#!t ! I just said the same things the song "Incomplete" says. That's by Backstreet boys.
I read books and stare out and feel I have overcome him, but I haven't and I can feel it in my bones.
Today again I went to city center, so we decided to indulge in some forbidden pleasures. What were you thinking? We were thinking of smoking. It rained throughout the morn and it was boring, so in the eve we went to city center smoked a couple of cigarettes, not even joints!! Anyway, it sometimes angers me that men should have the option to mope over lost relations, drink and smoke and get laid, and I am to smile and pretend everything is fine. Why? Wrong question, ehh?
Tomorrow I have to go to college, for a meeting and I am wondering whether to go to office, I kind of feel as if I will feel rather alone there with no Rick. But again I think am I giving one person too much credit for my mood swings. But I will miss him, won't I? Sweet guy, quite unfair that he should suffer for no fault of his own. Why don't people like D suffer, terrible people, they ought to feel their dreams ruined, then they would learn the lesson. But then again let us not get into the cursing mode. Why bother such people!
I liked Rick, his sense of humor but most important was the way he handled himself, amazing, sitting a little away from him, I think and constantly wonder, how much he suffers, and yet he smiles. That say in the car, anyone would have felt the pain, yet there he was smiling, doing silly things and it broke my heart to see him.
I must never listen to the radio, they always play songs to make me cry. They are playing, " jab koi baat bigar jaye jab koi mushkil par jaye…"
So true, yet I feel so lonely, so sad.
Why did you leave me?
The tears stain my face and I keep taping at the keys thinking, why and I know there is no answer, "na koi hai, na koi tha zindagi mei tumhare siva..'
Can I sing that? Rick would probably disagree.
Oh stop it! RICK, Rick, what's the use, and why the hell do you keep repeating his name in your conversation? Admire all you want, you can never be like him. You will break down and cry, and what have you to cry, you have never loved anyone, have you?
SAYAN, DWAIPAYAN… who have you loved? No one.
You never loved them, you just wanted them real bad…. That's it!
Rick has reasons, better far better reasons to be upset, why the hell do you cry? Don't you dare cry! Don't you dare say your sad.
But I am sad, I am miserable, I miss you, I miss you DWAIPAYAN. I have put myself in a bind, I can't call you, please call me? Please!
At least Rick is not around, you shouldn't care about what people will think, just call him damn it!
But he is with his gf, and why do you go for the ride, it will only hurt you? Let him go.
I wish someone would tell me how to fight this. Rick, how about him? But he is too busy!
I have no friends today. Yes. No Sam , no Sayan, no Pablo_pranks, this is over, I wonder if I am making a big mistake. I feel so incomplte without you.
S#!t ! I just said the same things the song "Incomplete" says. That's by Backstreet boys.
6/27/05 8:31 AM
Back again after a few days. And what will I write? Sometimes I really cannot understand myself, I did not go to office on Saturday, why? I felt I was sick and didn't go but I have a feeling that it was more than that. Could it be that I was upset that Rick left? Yes, on Friday he has received his transfer order to shift to a new dept. This dept is in the floor just below mine. So? Why am I disappointed? Ever since he told me that morning he has got the offer, I started sliding down the hatch of depression. But when he ultimately left and before that said he was going to join from Saturday, I just went from bad to worse. Although I had been vociferous about liking office, I just realized that I was so happy with office because there was someone to talk to. Now there is no one, it is back to boredom.
I hadn't realized that I would be so disappointed with him leaving. Sometimes I feel angry with myself for being such stupid person. I guess D was right, considering Rick repeated the same thing and Librans know best, I am a 'dumbo'. It is so true!
Yesterday out expedition to KFC ended in a zilch with the kind of crowd outside, there isn't one good place in here that is left for us, all the places are crowded by silly wannabes, and stupid middle aged aunties and uncles, don't they have anything better to do in life?
I am probably being difficult, actually walking past those familiar haunts drove a stake through my heart, the hangout, the lawn and pizza hut and the lazy walks, I guess I am very much in love still. Perhaps bitter, but still emotional about it. When I think of D I do feel a horrible pain in my heart. Just now I thought might be if Rick seriously isn't around, I might end up calling D up or messaging. And everything will be undone. Yet that is the easiest, I cannot fight. I have never really been a fighter; eventually I will give up and fall again.
Yesterday Ish said something I agreed to, she thinks for all the hurt, I went in for the ride, I guess I can't blame the poor blokes with all of it, I went for the ride knowing well, it would hurt. Very much like addiction isn't it, although I keep saying that I can never be addicted, guess I am already, addicted to falling in love and unfortunately hurting myself. What a masochistic behavior!
What else do I want to say? Well if I end up in office today, Rick won't be there, and that is sad but one thing worked out for him I am sure slowly things will work out. May be I will never see him again! May be he has already forgotten me, but that should not bother you, no body remembers, except you, and you should also start forgetting.
"Kahi se ye fiza ayi ghamo ki dund sang layi, khafa ho gaye tum juda ho gaye hum.."
I miss you so much, and yet, I cannot do anything, why do I ever care about anyone, one, I never learn my lessons and two, I am addicted. Yep sounded two very good excuses!
So all those I warned about love, your advisor has fallen in love and well it's the same vicious cycle over and over again. I cannot help missing you. And I have no way to communicate, for I haven't left any doors open.
Here's to nothingness! CHEERS!!!
I hadn't realized that I would be so disappointed with him leaving. Sometimes I feel angry with myself for being such stupid person. I guess D was right, considering Rick repeated the same thing and Librans know best, I am a 'dumbo'. It is so true!
Yesterday out expedition to KFC ended in a zilch with the kind of crowd outside, there isn't one good place in here that is left for us, all the places are crowded by silly wannabes, and stupid middle aged aunties and uncles, don't they have anything better to do in life?
I am probably being difficult, actually walking past those familiar haunts drove a stake through my heart, the hangout, the lawn and pizza hut and the lazy walks, I guess I am very much in love still. Perhaps bitter, but still emotional about it. When I think of D I do feel a horrible pain in my heart. Just now I thought might be if Rick seriously isn't around, I might end up calling D up or messaging. And everything will be undone. Yet that is the easiest, I cannot fight. I have never really been a fighter; eventually I will give up and fall again.
Yesterday Ish said something I agreed to, she thinks for all the hurt, I went in for the ride, I guess I can't blame the poor blokes with all of it, I went for the ride knowing well, it would hurt. Very much like addiction isn't it, although I keep saying that I can never be addicted, guess I am already, addicted to falling in love and unfortunately hurting myself. What a masochistic behavior!
What else do I want to say? Well if I end up in office today, Rick won't be there, and that is sad but one thing worked out for him I am sure slowly things will work out. May be I will never see him again! May be he has already forgotten me, but that should not bother you, no body remembers, except you, and you should also start forgetting.
"Kahi se ye fiza ayi ghamo ki dund sang layi, khafa ho gaye tum juda ho gaye hum.."
I miss you so much, and yet, I cannot do anything, why do I ever care about anyone, one, I never learn my lessons and two, I am addicted. Yep sounded two very good excuses!
So all those I warned about love, your advisor has fallen in love and well it's the same vicious cycle over and over again. I cannot help missing you. And I have no way to communicate, for I haven't left any doors open.
Here's to nothingness! CHEERS!!!
a mail to Rick (not sent)
10:23 PM 6/25/05
aaj jano ami dwaipayan ke debar jonne eei bochor je gifta kine chilam sheta dekhlam.
his bday is on 29th may, ami jantam na whether i wll meet him so i hadn't packed the gift, kintu at 12 midnite 29th may i spoke to him and i nvr felt more happy, to hear him say he was coming down to salt lake the day and we will go out for a movie. i woke up in the morning excited and then it was a long day a very long and a longer night.
i had planned to give him a surprise by turning up at his residence on his bday, i had packed the gift with care and wrote beautiful words, not too personal not to make him uncomfortable, and yet warm and friendly and a bit of poetry for old times sake.....
it was the warmest thought i had tried to send, and as i sat in the evening mad with anger and cried i picked up the gift with its outer pretective plastic cover and placed it on the top of my bookcase and pushed it further away from sight, with the box that has his photographs and his gifts.
today i don't know why, i took that gift down, i will send it to his kolkata residence, since i bought it inhis name i might as well send it, neither cn i gift it to any1 else nor keep it. so i will do that. i first thought of sending it to his delhi hostel but why should i. i will send it to his home, he will find out eventually or nvr.
i dont care anymore.
why am i saying this, well i got a msg frm my best frnd in b'lore she asked me to write to her, and i did, and in tht letter i spoke abt all tht happened in the past month, and i talked of my decision and i felt a lil less miserable and then i said to her tht i wud send his gift. i haven't asked her but i knw she will give her opinion.
and why am i telling you..... well i dont knw whether i will finally, but well now that things are on a slow track to recover with you, i guess i feel a lil less guilty to share my burdens of grief, if i may call them so.
i hope you don't mind!
love
priyanka!!!!
aaj jano ami dwaipayan ke debar jonne eei bochor je gifta kine chilam sheta dekhlam.
his bday is on 29th may, ami jantam na whether i wll meet him so i hadn't packed the gift, kintu at 12 midnite 29th may i spoke to him and i nvr felt more happy, to hear him say he was coming down to salt lake the day and we will go out for a movie. i woke up in the morning excited and then it was a long day a very long and a longer night.
i had planned to give him a surprise by turning up at his residence on his bday, i had packed the gift with care and wrote beautiful words, not too personal not to make him uncomfortable, and yet warm and friendly and a bit of poetry for old times sake.....
it was the warmest thought i had tried to send, and as i sat in the evening mad with anger and cried i picked up the gift with its outer pretective plastic cover and placed it on the top of my bookcase and pushed it further away from sight, with the box that has his photographs and his gifts.
today i don't know why, i took that gift down, i will send it to his kolkata residence, since i bought it inhis name i might as well send it, neither cn i gift it to any1 else nor keep it. so i will do that. i first thought of sending it to his delhi hostel but why should i. i will send it to his home, he will find out eventually or nvr.
i dont care anymore.
why am i saying this, well i got a msg frm my best frnd in b'lore she asked me to write to her, and i did, and in tht letter i spoke abt all tht happened in the past month, and i talked of my decision and i felt a lil less miserable and then i said to her tht i wud send his gift. i haven't asked her but i knw she will give her opinion.
and why am i telling you..... well i dont knw whether i will finally, but well now that things are on a slow track to recover with you, i guess i feel a lil less guilty to share my burdens of grief, if i may call them so.
i hope you don't mind!
love
priyanka!!!!
a small story
A Small Story
A 10-year-old boy decided to study judo despite the fact that he had lost
his left arm in a devastating car accident.
The boy began lessons with an old Japanese judo master. The boy was doing
well, so he couldn't understand why, after three months of training the master had taught him only one move.
"Sensei," the boy finally said, "Shouldn't I be learning more moves?"
"This is the only move you know, but this is the only move you'll ever need
to know," the sensei replied.
Not quite understanding, but believing in his teacher, the boy kept training. Several months later, the sensei took the boy to his first tournament.
Surprising himself, the boy easily won his first two matches.
The third match proved to be more difficult, but after some time, his opponent became impatient and charged; the boy deftly used his one move to win the match.
Still amazed by his success, the boy was now in the finals. This time, his
opponent was bigger, stronger, and more experienced. For a while, the boy
appeared to be overmatched. Concerned that the boy might get hurt, the
referee called a time-out. He was about to stop the match when the sensei
intervened. "No," the sensei insisted, "Let him continue."
Soon after the match resumed, his opponent made a critical mistake: he
dropped his guard. Instantly, the boy used his move to pin him. The boy had
won the match and the tournament. He was the champion. On the way home, the boy and sensei reviewed every move in each and every match. Then the boy summoned the courage to ask what was really on his mind.
"Sensei, how did I win the tournament with only one move?" "You won for two
reasons," the sensei answered. "First, you've almost mastered one of the most difficult throws in all of judo. And second, the only known defense for that move is for your opponent to grab your left arm."
The boy's biggest weakness had become his biggest strength. "Sometimes we feel that we have certain weaknesses and we blame god, the circumstances and our self for it but we never know that our weakness can become our strength one day. Each of us is special and important,so never think you have any weakness, never think of pride or pain, just live your life to its fullest and extract the best out of it. "
A 10-year-old boy decided to study judo despite the fact that he had lost
his left arm in a devastating car accident.
The boy began lessons with an old Japanese judo master. The boy was doing
well, so he couldn't understand why, after three months of training the master had taught him only one move.
"Sensei," the boy finally said, "Shouldn't I be learning more moves?"
"This is the only move you know, but this is the only move you'll ever need
to know," the sensei replied.
Not quite understanding, but believing in his teacher, the boy kept training. Several months later, the sensei took the boy to his first tournament.
Surprising himself, the boy easily won his first two matches.
The third match proved to be more difficult, but after some time, his opponent became impatient and charged; the boy deftly used his one move to win the match.
Still amazed by his success, the boy was now in the finals. This time, his
opponent was bigger, stronger, and more experienced. For a while, the boy
appeared to be overmatched. Concerned that the boy might get hurt, the
referee called a time-out. He was about to stop the match when the sensei
intervened. "No," the sensei insisted, "Let him continue."
Soon after the match resumed, his opponent made a critical mistake: he
dropped his guard. Instantly, the boy used his move to pin him. The boy had
won the match and the tournament. He was the champion. On the way home, the boy and sensei reviewed every move in each and every match. Then the boy summoned the courage to ask what was really on his mind.
"Sensei, how did I win the tournament with only one move?" "You won for two
reasons," the sensei answered. "First, you've almost mastered one of the most difficult throws in all of judo. And second, the only known defense for that move is for your opponent to grab your left arm."
The boy's biggest weakness had become his biggest strength. "Sometimes we feel that we have certain weaknesses and we blame god, the circumstances and our self for it but we never know that our weakness can become our strength one day. Each of us is special and important,so never think you have any weakness, never think of pride or pain, just live your life to its fullest and extract the best out of it. "
Friday, June 24, 2005
it is 2.05pm on friday
Today, has been a mixed day again, and it turned sour right now. Well the good news is one part of Rick’s life is working out, he wanted to move out of this terrible negative atmosphere, and he is getting a transfer, he will start tomorrow.. I am happy for him yet there is this muted sadness thinking that I will not see him anymore. But one must always remember to thank god for all that is good and great. My best wishes to him, for this new start of sorts, may be this is a sign of things slowly falling into place, and suddenly, I feel at one with this world and I am happy.
Strange that I should feel cheered thinking he is going to leave and we may not be in touch anymore, I guess this is what real happiness must be like, without the associated guilt or anger or even disappointment. .true then are my feelings of distancing this and all other feelings away without losing the touch to be a friend. Good for u dear! Good for you!
Here’s wishing all the luck to a sweet friend.
Strange that I should feel cheered thinking he is going to leave and we may not be in touch anymore, I guess this is what real happiness must be like, without the associated guilt or anger or even disappointment. .true then are my feelings of distancing this and all other feelings away without losing the touch to be a friend. Good for u dear! Good for you!
Here’s wishing all the luck to a sweet friend.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
my mind wanders........
6/23/05 11:20 PM
Sometimes my heart ponders why? Yes I feel so lonely at times yet there are so many out there who are so much troubled with their lives that they feel so helpless, that is so much more than I have to face.
This is no philosophy; I am no philosopher, yet I cannot keep from expressing my self. Today I read Joy's mail and he says he is lonely in Bangalore; he is doing his industrial training there. This is the same person who has spent 3 years in IIT. Why that is significant is that he has never before been away from his family. But that is not what I want to talk about, it is that one word, 'lonely' that hit my conscience today morning, at least I felt a cold bitterness wash over me. Yesterday night was excruciatingly painful for a person's very happiness depended on what advice I gave and suddenly I felt so inadequate.
Yes, that is the exact word I was searching for. Off late, a number of people have shared their corners of the heart, where they keep their pain and hurt hidden with me. And I find my self surrounded with so much pain, hurt and tears that all my pining after D seem futile, and I am ashamed of myself, even to be able to speak of my hurt and pain seems a shameful act at present. I know I am being too harsh on myself.
But I feel inadequate to say anything to them, at least anything concrete, after all who am I to say anything? I am not an authority on LOVE.. I have never been in love, never understood love, never recognized love, and never known love. So, I am a misfit in the role of an advisor. But then again I start thinking, all these people want may be is a bit of support, or may be not as someone says. Why do we have to be brave? I wish I didn't have to? Yet, given an opportunity to somehow express how much it hurts or pains I back out immediately, what do I fear? I wonder I went through a hell with S and after S and yet never said one word, without laughing it away in the next breathe to any one, not even my then best friend. How come? Then is Rick right in saying that I do not really have any friends? May be he is right. He is right actually, or may be I am selfish and has never shared my tears with anyone.
Possibly that is the reason I have become so addicted to D. yes, that is the exact word I have used. I am addicted to his presence, his ability to make me laugh; to make me wonder could there be anyone better than him! There couldn't be. But here I am writing a post that is meaningless.
Rick is so nice and yet somewhere I feel so inhibited, I can see I will never perhaps be able to tell him. He says all those things so easily but whenever I try to say anything everything seems futile. What is the use of repeating anything? It is over and done with? Then I think what will he think? His questions like how did you manage to fall in love twice hit me hard as if I am this very very small person. I do not know what makes me feel this way but most certainly there are too many thoughts and doubts crowding my mind for me to ever say any thing. I always feel ill at ease. But I like it when he said that I was his friend, although I did not see it but he shared so much of his life that so few people know. It was a humbling feeling. I wonder what God has in store. When Popla had written in that letter, God never takes someone away because he wants to punish you but because he is emptying your hand for something else, something better. If I had to compare losing D, considering I never had him, to meeting Rick, I'd say God has been fair with me. Ever feel someone up there loves you a lot, I get that feeling sometimes, I wonder, today suddenly sitting in Rick's car, the music in the background and the familiar places rushing past, I for a moment thought whether there is always a reason for everything. Why am I not at Stan C? Is it so bad? May be I was supposed to be here. And why? To meet Rick,! To see a side to men, no let us not generalize, to see a man in love, to not lose the faith, not to lose the trust, not to stop loving, to be reminded that I cannot stop loving people ….. ……
I am sure you would ask and what good is all this to Rick? But there is an answer to that too, may be, he is God's own person and so God didn't want him to be alone in those moments. May be God wanted to show him the way and I am merely the vehicle of his will. That sounded so preachy, yet I believe in things like that. I feel this more because there are so many times I have written a particular thought and then deleted it write something so uncharacteristic of me as if someone guided my hands to answer him.
I do not know the fear of losing 'it', whatever it is, grips my heart, I mean why do I get flustered as if I am always under trial, I feel I am pretending all the time, yet that is what I set out to learn in professional life, and I am so confused. Why am I left so confused at the end of each day?
I read this somewhere, life and love the two great mysteries, the more you learn about it, the more you experience it you are no where close to explaining it, the mystery goes on. It's going to be past midnight any moment now, just 3 minutes more.
Why did I write that? It is so much like those mails I used to write to D. I wonder whether he ever read them, why did I spend so much of my time, my energy on this one person who I knew from the first day would never love me? I am a fool and a bigger fool for breaking my heart over a stone, a stone cold heart.
Ish is right, we can never really be real a 'bitch', we just say that we are, cause we know very well we aren't and the people around us know it too. Strange. That she should think of the same thing I was thinking. What a telepathy!
Why did I crack the silly joke about city center? It was so stupid, I sometimes get into these lame games. Yes, it has been quite sometime now that I have had a decent fun conversation, it was good. I feel good, less of sad about this whole episode.
Although I am vociferous about me never getting addicted to anything, I bet I am addicted with this falling in love thing. And I am so desperately trying to rid myself of this that I have become conscious of what I say or do. That's sad, this is what I was afraid would happen. I am growing old.
It's strange that Rick and Souvik should look almost similar something I hadn't noticed till I saw the group post about he and Apra working on the Brochure. Well I was going to miss him, he is so cute, and after such a long time the girls agreed that he was evidently cute. Very teddy bearish! Just a thought, how much of 'I can't talk to him cause he is my senior from university' was true and how much of it pretending only to make people laugh? I was a bit tongue tied with him, my Bf(s) would all be so shocked.
You know inspite of all I feel as if I have had a good life, at least I am not in the shoes of someone who is in love and is ending up hurting her love cause of following the path of propriety, or in the shoes of one who sees something her friend suffer, wishes things would be ok yet loves him enough to want him for her self. Darn bad shoes to walk into, ehh?
Jokes, yep my defense mechanism! Once it was rudeness and now it is a hollow laughter, smirking face and a goofy grin, its all teeth and no heart. Sad! I am becoming a person I do not like at all.
****
City center- will it ever be the same? Inox- will it ever be the same? Swabhumi - will it be the same?
Pranks_inluvwid_you@ ?? .com meaningless.
Right here, in this room, this seat and this PC, an extraordinary story, of love, of friendship all in a bag, lost and found and lost forever.
I miss you so much! I can't forget you yet I must, I have to, and so this will only be on my blog and not in a mail. You deserve a life without guilt, without a baggage, without me. I had let you go of my love, and now I have let you from my friendship too. You are free. Fly! Fly! Don't come back, go away so far where my sobs and pleadings cannot reach you even my screams fail to reach across the distance.
I am not growing old, I am just no longer interested in any more relationships or friendships, and they are meaningless without you. You taught me to be a friend and well what remains are but habits. The energy, the vitality, the desire has ebbed away, merely the daily routine of breathing remains, and slowly that too shall seize.
At times I want to scream at Joyie, several times last night I felt like it, to say it, why are you fretting, there's nothing called love? All this is meaningless stuff, written by people who were never happy. All those poets and writers unhappy, love lorn wrote all this crap and we believed in them. All those stupid fairy tales, they aren't true, and dreams don't come true.
At other times I want to tell Rick tell your gf she has to chose between you or her silly stubbornness, what does she want your happiness or your suffering? Yet I can't for I know they still have hope. And I dole out hope from and empty heart and mind. Hope left me a long time ago. Yet I say God sees us, when asking him a thousand and one times for one thing, DWAIPAYAN, I write his name only to hit the backspace key.
Tears find a dry course across my face, flowing freely almost like blood, when I had cut my hand last year. Those 5 stitches with no anesthesia was hell, yet I had called out your name every damn time the needle went through my skin like a hot knife, yet you never understood what you had meant to me. Yet right now you are 2000 kms across ohh god! My hands are actually shaking so much I think I cannot go on.
" le ja sans hi to baki hai who bhi le ja
dadkane khali hai who bhi le ja
jo chaha who nahi hai
jo na chaha barkat mei hai
jo sukun chahaton mei nahi
who sukun nafraat mei hai .. .."
And today I will HATE you, something thought I never could think at least for you.
Why do I still breathe I wonder sometimes, sometimes my eyes give way to tears for Rick's sadness yet I know I am selfish I am crying for my own selfish reasons. I remember what you said always, 'tallar tank' and I smile, and then I remember I am 'not the one'.
Some people are lucky, he loves her so much, inspite of so much hurt that he faces he hasn't given up. True, Ish is right, I don't think we will ever find people like that. You have to be as Pri says, "dhoa tulsi pata" to get lucky. Yep! I could have today been in a potential relationship, approved by parents yet I chose to follow my heart, so difficult yet so tempting. I am blabbering, I can't keep my eyes open.
Dreams , dreams, dreams, so real do they seem/ I dream all night , all day/ none of them come true/ my dreams.
By the way a parting information the lines quoted in Hindi are from the movie, KARAM, playing through my PC"s loudspeakers, cutting through the silence of them night. Yet the empty space right inside my heart does not seem to fill. As if I have lost something. Oh! I made a mistake I have lost my heart, there is nothing left there. And empty space merely.
Why drag on something, which is raising doubts? Why continue just cause it is a habit? Why want something just cause it can't be mine?
"WHY?"
the never-ending lines float across the screen and I must sleep….. good night all you folks in love and hurting and all those not in love, don't ever fall in love. it is the most meaningless thing you can do. BEWARE!
Sometimes my heart ponders why? Yes I feel so lonely at times yet there are so many out there who are so much troubled with their lives that they feel so helpless, that is so much more than I have to face.
This is no philosophy; I am no philosopher, yet I cannot keep from expressing my self. Today I read Joy's mail and he says he is lonely in Bangalore; he is doing his industrial training there. This is the same person who has spent 3 years in IIT. Why that is significant is that he has never before been away from his family. But that is not what I want to talk about, it is that one word, 'lonely' that hit my conscience today morning, at least I felt a cold bitterness wash over me. Yesterday night was excruciatingly painful for a person's very happiness depended on what advice I gave and suddenly I felt so inadequate.
Yes, that is the exact word I was searching for. Off late, a number of people have shared their corners of the heart, where they keep their pain and hurt hidden with me. And I find my self surrounded with so much pain, hurt and tears that all my pining after D seem futile, and I am ashamed of myself, even to be able to speak of my hurt and pain seems a shameful act at present. I know I am being too harsh on myself.
But I feel inadequate to say anything to them, at least anything concrete, after all who am I to say anything? I am not an authority on LOVE.. I have never been in love, never understood love, never recognized love, and never known love. So, I am a misfit in the role of an advisor. But then again I start thinking, all these people want may be is a bit of support, or may be not as someone says. Why do we have to be brave? I wish I didn't have to? Yet, given an opportunity to somehow express how much it hurts or pains I back out immediately, what do I fear? I wonder I went through a hell with S and after S and yet never said one word, without laughing it away in the next breathe to any one, not even my then best friend. How come? Then is Rick right in saying that I do not really have any friends? May be he is right. He is right actually, or may be I am selfish and has never shared my tears with anyone.
Possibly that is the reason I have become so addicted to D. yes, that is the exact word I have used. I am addicted to his presence, his ability to make me laugh; to make me wonder could there be anyone better than him! There couldn't be. But here I am writing a post that is meaningless.
Rick is so nice and yet somewhere I feel so inhibited, I can see I will never perhaps be able to tell him. He says all those things so easily but whenever I try to say anything everything seems futile. What is the use of repeating anything? It is over and done with? Then I think what will he think? His questions like how did you manage to fall in love twice hit me hard as if I am this very very small person. I do not know what makes me feel this way but most certainly there are too many thoughts and doubts crowding my mind for me to ever say any thing. I always feel ill at ease. But I like it when he said that I was his friend, although I did not see it but he shared so much of his life that so few people know. It was a humbling feeling. I wonder what God has in store. When Popla had written in that letter, God never takes someone away because he wants to punish you but because he is emptying your hand for something else, something better. If I had to compare losing D, considering I never had him, to meeting Rick, I'd say God has been fair with me. Ever feel someone up there loves you a lot, I get that feeling sometimes, I wonder, today suddenly sitting in Rick's car, the music in the background and the familiar places rushing past, I for a moment thought whether there is always a reason for everything. Why am I not at Stan C? Is it so bad? May be I was supposed to be here. And why? To meet Rick,! To see a side to men, no let us not generalize, to see a man in love, to not lose the faith, not to lose the trust, not to stop loving, to be reminded that I cannot stop loving people ….. ……
I am sure you would ask and what good is all this to Rick? But there is an answer to that too, may be, he is God's own person and so God didn't want him to be alone in those moments. May be God wanted to show him the way and I am merely the vehicle of his will. That sounded so preachy, yet I believe in things like that. I feel this more because there are so many times I have written a particular thought and then deleted it write something so uncharacteristic of me as if someone guided my hands to answer him.
I do not know the fear of losing 'it', whatever it is, grips my heart, I mean why do I get flustered as if I am always under trial, I feel I am pretending all the time, yet that is what I set out to learn in professional life, and I am so confused. Why am I left so confused at the end of each day?
I read this somewhere, life and love the two great mysteries, the more you learn about it, the more you experience it you are no where close to explaining it, the mystery goes on. It's going to be past midnight any moment now, just 3 minutes more.
Why did I write that? It is so much like those mails I used to write to D. I wonder whether he ever read them, why did I spend so much of my time, my energy on this one person who I knew from the first day would never love me? I am a fool and a bigger fool for breaking my heart over a stone, a stone cold heart.
Ish is right, we can never really be real a 'bitch', we just say that we are, cause we know very well we aren't and the people around us know it too. Strange. That she should think of the same thing I was thinking. What a telepathy!
Why did I crack the silly joke about city center? It was so stupid, I sometimes get into these lame games. Yes, it has been quite sometime now that I have had a decent fun conversation, it was good. I feel good, less of sad about this whole episode.
Although I am vociferous about me never getting addicted to anything, I bet I am addicted with this falling in love thing. And I am so desperately trying to rid myself of this that I have become conscious of what I say or do. That's sad, this is what I was afraid would happen. I am growing old.
It's strange that Rick and Souvik should look almost similar something I hadn't noticed till I saw the group post about he and Apra working on the Brochure. Well I was going to miss him, he is so cute, and after such a long time the girls agreed that he was evidently cute. Very teddy bearish! Just a thought, how much of 'I can't talk to him cause he is my senior from university' was true and how much of it pretending only to make people laugh? I was a bit tongue tied with him, my Bf(s) would all be so shocked.
You know inspite of all I feel as if I have had a good life, at least I am not in the shoes of someone who is in love and is ending up hurting her love cause of following the path of propriety, or in the shoes of one who sees something her friend suffer, wishes things would be ok yet loves him enough to want him for her self. Darn bad shoes to walk into, ehh?
Jokes, yep my defense mechanism! Once it was rudeness and now it is a hollow laughter, smirking face and a goofy grin, its all teeth and no heart. Sad! I am becoming a person I do not like at all.
****
City center- will it ever be the same? Inox- will it ever be the same? Swabhumi - will it be the same?
Pranks_inluvwid_you@ ?? .com meaningless.
Right here, in this room, this seat and this PC, an extraordinary story, of love, of friendship all in a bag, lost and found and lost forever.
I miss you so much! I can't forget you yet I must, I have to, and so this will only be on my blog and not in a mail. You deserve a life without guilt, without a baggage, without me. I had let you go of my love, and now I have let you from my friendship too. You are free. Fly! Fly! Don't come back, go away so far where my sobs and pleadings cannot reach you even my screams fail to reach across the distance.
I am not growing old, I am just no longer interested in any more relationships or friendships, and they are meaningless without you. You taught me to be a friend and well what remains are but habits. The energy, the vitality, the desire has ebbed away, merely the daily routine of breathing remains, and slowly that too shall seize.
At times I want to scream at Joyie, several times last night I felt like it, to say it, why are you fretting, there's nothing called love? All this is meaningless stuff, written by people who were never happy. All those poets and writers unhappy, love lorn wrote all this crap and we believed in them. All those stupid fairy tales, they aren't true, and dreams don't come true.
At other times I want to tell Rick tell your gf she has to chose between you or her silly stubbornness, what does she want your happiness or your suffering? Yet I can't for I know they still have hope. And I dole out hope from and empty heart and mind. Hope left me a long time ago. Yet I say God sees us, when asking him a thousand and one times for one thing, DWAIPAYAN, I write his name only to hit the backspace key.
Tears find a dry course across my face, flowing freely almost like blood, when I had cut my hand last year. Those 5 stitches with no anesthesia was hell, yet I had called out your name every damn time the needle went through my skin like a hot knife, yet you never understood what you had meant to me. Yet right now you are 2000 kms across ohh god! My hands are actually shaking so much I think I cannot go on.
" le ja sans hi to baki hai who bhi le ja
dadkane khali hai who bhi le ja
jo chaha who nahi hai
jo na chaha barkat mei hai
jo sukun chahaton mei nahi
who sukun nafraat mei hai .. .."
And today I will HATE you, something thought I never could think at least for you.
Why do I still breathe I wonder sometimes, sometimes my eyes give way to tears for Rick's sadness yet I know I am selfish I am crying for my own selfish reasons. I remember what you said always, 'tallar tank' and I smile, and then I remember I am 'not the one'.
Some people are lucky, he loves her so much, inspite of so much hurt that he faces he hasn't given up. True, Ish is right, I don't think we will ever find people like that. You have to be as Pri says, "dhoa tulsi pata" to get lucky. Yep! I could have today been in a potential relationship, approved by parents yet I chose to follow my heart, so difficult yet so tempting. I am blabbering, I can't keep my eyes open.
Dreams , dreams, dreams, so real do they seem/ I dream all night , all day/ none of them come true/ my dreams.
By the way a parting information the lines quoted in Hindi are from the movie, KARAM, playing through my PC"s loudspeakers, cutting through the silence of them night. Yet the empty space right inside my heart does not seem to fill. As if I have lost something. Oh! I made a mistake I have lost my heart, there is nothing left there. And empty space merely.
Why drag on something, which is raising doubts? Why continue just cause it is a habit? Why want something just cause it can't be mine?
"WHY?"
the never-ending lines float across the screen and I must sleep….. good night all you folks in love and hurting and all those not in love, don't ever fall in love. it is the most meaningless thing you can do. BEWARE!
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
from the hr trainees desk- a digression
6/23/05 8:46 AM
I have not written anything into this journal of sorts for quite a few days. Not that I haven't had time. But I have been feeling a bout of unhappiness. It is not really unhappiness per se; it is more of mixture of feelings. Before they carry me away I must report a few things.
Rick's life seems to be a roller coaster ride now, if not a Business Cycle, A.S. would have been proud of me! But first things first, his life has been a mixture of good news and bad news, I mean not really bad news, may be a touch disappointing.
I wish, I do really. I just hope things work out. I wonder why good people have to face so much difficulty, I think this is rather unfair. He is such a sweetheart, well I have said there, and even if he reads it I don't care, he is sweet and that's that! My opinion and I am entitled to express my opinion under the constitution of India. If he doesn't like it that's his problem.
But, that was not the point I was making, yesterday was a revelation of sorts. Joyie's beautiful love story has hit the tornado, and why? Because she has second thoughts about marriage. Brilliant! Where are these men made, in which factory in Heaven or hell? Is it so hard for them to understand, love does not necessarily and god forbid not end in marriage. Why end it? I just don't seem to get it. If I love someone so dearly that I feel I want to spend the rest of my life with that one person, but I may love someone and not feel the need to spend the rest of my life with him. I guess because lovers get so little time together when they are dating or courting, they feel they would like to see each other all the time. Never realizing that it is the distance that creates the charm, the desire to be together. Then they rush into a marriage and soon realize they can't tolerate each other.
I have always argued that two people should live together spend 24 hours together at least before deciding to get married. Living with a person every day for the rest of your life is huge deal and should be carefully thought about. And her stupid bf is being upset. Of course if this was about some lesser issue this could have been ignore but she is hurt and disillusioned by his adamant refusal to see her point, worse call her names.
Sometimes I play the devil's advocate, although in a personal crisis I would done exactly what she was doing, in front of her, I tried to make her see that he loved her dearly and she was making a hasty judgment. I am sure by today eve everything will be ok. Do the same with Rick, when I se him getting upset with his Dad I ask him questions to make him see that he loves him dearly although I fume at the Sr. G for making his son so miserable. I wonder. I think I do such things cause my friends have always supported me in what ever I have decided are whatever opinions I have formed and I have been angry and upset with a lot of people where I should have forgiven them. I guess there is a 'cons' side to faithful friends. I think I do believe in the rule of friendship which says that friends will help you get up when you fall and they will show you where the puddle is, but I guess one thing they must do if they be true friends is to show that it wasn't the fault of the dog, and prevent you from kicking it, for you had failed to see its tail and had stepped on it. I guess that's what friends should do too.
I don't think I can ever be selfish with people I care for and not give the right advice to them, I think I am selfish but when it comes to people in distress I always tell them the truth, the honest opinion, why? God only knows. I mean for crying out loud I gave D the advice to talk to his gf when I should have instigated him to leave her. That's what you get for being a honest fool!
But I am not complaining I have good friends. After J left yesterday night I was thinking why do I feel that I am the only one who is unhappy? There are so many who I consider lucky and look at them they are suffering. At times I wonder is it not better that I am not in a relationship. To me it has been like a full time job and honestly with so much heartache all around I feel I am better off.
Now about life. Yes, the very important mystery. I was thinking why do good people suffer so much, I guess a religious or spiritual way of seeing this would be to think that since good people are loved by god perhaps a tad bit more than bad people they are always made to learn important lessons in life. When we call life unfair, we do not realize how wrong we are. After all every time we go through a turmoil or difficult situation there is most certainly a lesson at the end of it and we learn it. What if we were given the lesson first and then the hardships, although we may think that we would be better capable of dealing with them I think we wouldn't be. As lessons learnt without an experience are soon forgotten. So I think life is fair, and it would be unfair to blame it. Although it is damn hard not to do it.
But as they say .. "this too shall pass."
I have not written anything into this journal of sorts for quite a few days. Not that I haven't had time. But I have been feeling a bout of unhappiness. It is not really unhappiness per se; it is more of mixture of feelings. Before they carry me away I must report a few things.
Rick's life seems to be a roller coaster ride now, if not a Business Cycle, A.S. would have been proud of me! But first things first, his life has been a mixture of good news and bad news, I mean not really bad news, may be a touch disappointing.
I wish, I do really. I just hope things work out. I wonder why good people have to face so much difficulty, I think this is rather unfair. He is such a sweetheart, well I have said there, and even if he reads it I don't care, he is sweet and that's that! My opinion and I am entitled to express my opinion under the constitution of India. If he doesn't like it that's his problem.
But, that was not the point I was making, yesterday was a revelation of sorts. Joyie's beautiful love story has hit the tornado, and why? Because she has second thoughts about marriage. Brilliant! Where are these men made, in which factory in Heaven or hell? Is it so hard for them to understand, love does not necessarily and god forbid not end in marriage. Why end it? I just don't seem to get it. If I love someone so dearly that I feel I want to spend the rest of my life with that one person, but I may love someone and not feel the need to spend the rest of my life with him. I guess because lovers get so little time together when they are dating or courting, they feel they would like to see each other all the time. Never realizing that it is the distance that creates the charm, the desire to be together. Then they rush into a marriage and soon realize they can't tolerate each other.
I have always argued that two people should live together spend 24 hours together at least before deciding to get married. Living with a person every day for the rest of your life is huge deal and should be carefully thought about. And her stupid bf is being upset. Of course if this was about some lesser issue this could have been ignore but she is hurt and disillusioned by his adamant refusal to see her point, worse call her names.
Sometimes I play the devil's advocate, although in a personal crisis I would done exactly what she was doing, in front of her, I tried to make her see that he loved her dearly and she was making a hasty judgment. I am sure by today eve everything will be ok. Do the same with Rick, when I se him getting upset with his Dad I ask him questions to make him see that he loves him dearly although I fume at the Sr. G for making his son so miserable. I wonder. I think I do such things cause my friends have always supported me in what ever I have decided are whatever opinions I have formed and I have been angry and upset with a lot of people where I should have forgiven them. I guess there is a 'cons' side to faithful friends. I think I do believe in the rule of friendship which says that friends will help you get up when you fall and they will show you where the puddle is, but I guess one thing they must do if they be true friends is to show that it wasn't the fault of the dog, and prevent you from kicking it, for you had failed to see its tail and had stepped on it. I guess that's what friends should do too.
I don't think I can ever be selfish with people I care for and not give the right advice to them, I think I am selfish but when it comes to people in distress I always tell them the truth, the honest opinion, why? God only knows. I mean for crying out loud I gave D the advice to talk to his gf when I should have instigated him to leave her. That's what you get for being a honest fool!
But I am not complaining I have good friends. After J left yesterday night I was thinking why do I feel that I am the only one who is unhappy? There are so many who I consider lucky and look at them they are suffering. At times I wonder is it not better that I am not in a relationship. To me it has been like a full time job and honestly with so much heartache all around I feel I am better off.
Now about life. Yes, the very important mystery. I was thinking why do good people suffer so much, I guess a religious or spiritual way of seeing this would be to think that since good people are loved by god perhaps a tad bit more than bad people they are always made to learn important lessons in life. When we call life unfair, we do not realize how wrong we are. After all every time we go through a turmoil or difficult situation there is most certainly a lesson at the end of it and we learn it. What if we were given the lesson first and then the hardships, although we may think that we would be better capable of dealing with them I think we wouldn't be. As lessons learnt without an experience are soon forgotten. So I think life is fair, and it would be unfair to blame it. Although it is damn hard not to do it.
But as they say .. "this too shall pass."
Monday, June 20, 2005
a friend lost?
I seem to make friends very easily. Sometimes I really do wonder whether I really make friends or do they just become my frieds. What I am trying to understand is where lies the credit?
But that is not the reason I am here writing a post. I had the opportunity to read my blogs yesterday and I realised how often I have opened my heart out in those blogs, some blogs where not so anonymous but this one is. Sometimes it is a shock to think that i cannot ever let the people I know read that blog, but hey! why am I even assuming that they would want to read them.
My friend Rick will soon be leaving this company, everyday over the last one week it has taken all my efforts to keep him from leaving, and now that was sure he was warming up to the idea to stay here, what I told him has resulted in a mess.
They say never evesdrop you will always hear bad things about yourself, worse when I though I was being his friend I was being his greatest foe. By revealing to him what people think and say about him I have pushed him to a dicision that tried stalling before.
And I have no one else but myself to blame. I cannot even say anything to stop him as I feel extremely guilty.
What have I done?
If I could only turn back time and change all but then again if I had the power wouldn't I change a lot many things. It is for being so greedy that we lose even what we have.
I am so sorry, yet that is what I always say and it is quite meaningless now.
I just wish he wouln't leave.................
But that is not the reason I am here writing a post. I had the opportunity to read my blogs yesterday and I realised how often I have opened my heart out in those blogs, some blogs where not so anonymous but this one is. Sometimes it is a shock to think that i cannot ever let the people I know read that blog, but hey! why am I even assuming that they would want to read them.
My friend Rick will soon be leaving this company, everyday over the last one week it has taken all my efforts to keep him from leaving, and now that was sure he was warming up to the idea to stay here, what I told him has resulted in a mess.
They say never evesdrop you will always hear bad things about yourself, worse when I though I was being his friend I was being his greatest foe. By revealing to him what people think and say about him I have pushed him to a dicision that tried stalling before.
And I have no one else but myself to blame. I cannot even say anything to stop him as I feel extremely guilty.
What have I done?
If I could only turn back time and change all but then again if I had the power wouldn't I change a lot many things. It is for being so greedy that we lose even what we have.
I am so sorry, yet that is what I always say and it is quite meaningless now.
I just wish he wouln't leave.................
MEN, PURPLE, ME, GOD
i am reading a book called "the color purple" by alice walkins. she is am african american writer. and the fact that i am extremely dissapointed with men at this point of time has been reinforced by this book. the first page of the book reveals a shocking truth. a girl raped by her own father, celie the protagonist if i amy call her that tells her own story through a series of letters written to god.
i cannot help feeling a lot of reponsibility more than anything else, i feel i must struggle and do well after the good family i was born into and all the opportuinities i have got. i could not fritter tham away knowing of so many others who have bled and cried and died in crulety and slavery to make it possible for me to stand up and be able to write these words and share them with the world.
one man's betrayal should not make me so sad or deparate. i cannot feel this way. this is not the way of women, we fight , we survive. we have and we will. i must as i owe it all those who have gone before me. not with hatered but with achievements and banishing the feeling of lonliness,and despair.
like a man says, that you call men bastards proves that you believe that there are some good people out there. i don't know what i believe about men but i know this much that i can survive and i will survive and i will not be sad and miserable and cry for a man who does not deserve my tears forget my love. i will not curse him , he will meet his end the way he must as decreed by god.
i believe he sees all and knows all. so i leave his fate to him. justice will be done.
i cannot help feeling a lot of reponsibility more than anything else, i feel i must struggle and do well after the good family i was born into and all the opportuinities i have got. i could not fritter tham away knowing of so many others who have bled and cried and died in crulety and slavery to make it possible for me to stand up and be able to write these words and share them with the world.
one man's betrayal should not make me so sad or deparate. i cannot feel this way. this is not the way of women, we fight , we survive. we have and we will. i must as i owe it all those who have gone before me. not with hatered but with achievements and banishing the feeling of lonliness,and despair.
like a man says, that you call men bastards proves that you believe that there are some good people out there. i don't know what i believe about men but i know this much that i can survive and i will survive and i will not be sad and miserable and cry for a man who does not deserve my tears forget my love. i will not curse him , he will meet his end the way he must as decreed by god.
i believe he sees all and knows all. so i leave his fate to him. justice will be done.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
paradigm shift
ya, hope you'll like this article.... and keep it in mind when you're next time doing the thing you've been doing...
as the saying goes, if you keep doing what you've been doing, you'll keep getting what you've been getting... so if you want something better, do it differently! go thru the story
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You've probably heard of Stephen Covey, author of "The Seven Habits of
Highly Effective People." He uses the word paradigm a lot, which simply
means a belief, or a point of view.
Dr. Covey believes that you need to have a paradigm shift before you can
make dramatic breakthroughs in your business success -- or your life.
Here's a story I heard a few years ago that illustrates the point
perfectly.
Imagine you're in London's Heathrow Airport. While you're waiting for
your flight, you notice a kiosk selling shortbread cookies. You buy a
box, put them in your traveling bag and then you patiently search for an
available seat so you can sit down and enjoy your cookies.
Finally you find a seat next to a gentleman. You reach down into your
traveling bag and pull out your box of shortbread cookies. As you do so,
you notice that the gentleman starts watching you intensely. He stares
as you open the box and his eyes follow your hand as you pick up the
cookie and bring it to your mouth.
Just then he reaches over and takes one of your cookies from the box,
and eats it! You're more than a little surprised at this. Actually,
you're at a loss for words.
Not only does he take one cookie, but he alternates with you. For every
one cookie you take, he takes one.
Now, what's your immediate impression of this guy? Crazy? Greedy? He's
got some nerve?! Can you imagine the words you might use to describe
this man to your associates back at the office?
Meanwhile, you both continue eating the cookies until there's just one
left. To your surprise, the man reaches over and takes it. But then he
does something unexpected. He breaks it in half, and gives half to you.
After he's finished with his half he gets up, and without a word, he
leaves.
You think to yourself, "Did this really happen?" You're left sitting
there dumbfounded and still hungry. So you go back to the kiosk and buy
another box of cookies.
You then return to your seat and begin opening your new box of cookies
when you glance down into your traveling bag. Sitting there in your bag
is your original box of cookies -- still unopened.
Only then do you realize that when you reached down earlier, you had
reached into the other man's bag, and grabbed his box of cookies by
mistake.
Now what do you think of the man? Generous? Tolerant?
You've just experienced a profound paradigm shift. You're seeing things
from a new point of view.
Is it time to change your point of view?
Now, think of this story as it relates to your business. Perhaps you've
been doing something the same way for years, but never stopped to think
about how it could be done better. A little bit of research and
brainstorming may make you see what you're currently doing in a whole
new light.
Maybe, you've only been using newspaper advertising to market your
business, and haven't been open to other methods of marketing.
Seeing things from a new point of view can be very enlightening.
Possibly, you've been annoyed at one particular client who may have
complained about some aspect of your service, but when you actually take
the time to understand his frustration and his point of view, you may
suddenly experience an entirely different perspective.
After all, he may have just helped you to avoid problems with future
customers.
Think outside the box. Don't settle for the status quo. Be open to
suggestions. Be open to changing your point of view.
Things may not be what they seem.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
as the saying goes, if you keep doing what you've been doing, you'll keep getting what you've been getting... so if you want something better, do it differently! go thru the story
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You've probably heard of Stephen Covey, author of "The Seven Habits of
Highly Effective People." He uses the word paradigm a lot, which simply
means a belief, or a point of view.
Dr. Covey believes that you need to have a paradigm shift before you can
make dramatic breakthroughs in your business success -- or your life.
Here's a story I heard a few years ago that illustrates the point
perfectly.
Imagine you're in London's Heathrow Airport. While you're waiting for
your flight, you notice a kiosk selling shortbread cookies. You buy a
box, put them in your traveling bag and then you patiently search for an
available seat so you can sit down and enjoy your cookies.
Finally you find a seat next to a gentleman. You reach down into your
traveling bag and pull out your box of shortbread cookies. As you do so,
you notice that the gentleman starts watching you intensely. He stares
as you open the box and his eyes follow your hand as you pick up the
cookie and bring it to your mouth.
Just then he reaches over and takes one of your cookies from the box,
and eats it! You're more than a little surprised at this. Actually,
you're at a loss for words.
Not only does he take one cookie, but he alternates with you. For every
one cookie you take, he takes one.
Now, what's your immediate impression of this guy? Crazy? Greedy? He's
got some nerve?! Can you imagine the words you might use to describe
this man to your associates back at the office?
Meanwhile, you both continue eating the cookies until there's just one
left. To your surprise, the man reaches over and takes it. But then he
does something unexpected. He breaks it in half, and gives half to you.
After he's finished with his half he gets up, and without a word, he
leaves.
You think to yourself, "Did this really happen?" You're left sitting
there dumbfounded and still hungry. So you go back to the kiosk and buy
another box of cookies.
You then return to your seat and begin opening your new box of cookies
when you glance down into your traveling bag. Sitting there in your bag
is your original box of cookies -- still unopened.
Only then do you realize that when you reached down earlier, you had
reached into the other man's bag, and grabbed his box of cookies by
mistake.
Now what do you think of the man? Generous? Tolerant?
You've just experienced a profound paradigm shift. You're seeing things
from a new point of view.
Is it time to change your point of view?
Now, think of this story as it relates to your business. Perhaps you've
been doing something the same way for years, but never stopped to think
about how it could be done better. A little bit of research and
brainstorming may make you see what you're currently doing in a whole
new light.
Maybe, you've only been using newspaper advertising to market your
business, and haven't been open to other methods of marketing.
Seeing things from a new point of view can be very enlightening.
Possibly, you've been annoyed at one particular client who may have
complained about some aspect of your service, but when you actually take
the time to understand his frustration and his point of view, you may
suddenly experience an entirely different perspective.
After all, he may have just helped you to avoid problems with future
customers.
Think outside the box. Don't settle for the status quo. Be open to
suggestions. Be open to changing your point of view.
Things may not be what they seem.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HANDLING LOVE
A SMALL ARTICLE WRITTEN BY PRITISH NADKARNI.
IF U FIND URSELF IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT LOVE U, BE GENTLE WITH URSELF.THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH U. LOVE JUST DIDN'T CHOOSE TO REST IN THE OTHER PERSONS HEART. IF U FIND SOMEONE ELSE IN LOVE WITH U AND U DON'T LOVE HIM/ HER, FEEL HONOURED THAT LOVE CAME AND CALLED AT UR DOOR, BUT GENTLY REFUSE THE GIFT U CANNOT RETURN.
DO NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE,DO NOT CAUSE PAIN.
HOW U DEAL WITH LOVE IS HOW U DEAL WITH U, AND ALL OUR HEARTS FEEL THE SAME PAINS AND JOYS,EVEN IF OUR LIVES AND WAYS ARE DIFFERENT.
IF U FALL IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER,AND SHE FALLS IN LOVE WITH U, AND THEN LOVE CHOOSES TO LEAVE, DO NOT TRY TO RECLAIM IT OR TO ACCESS BLAME, LET IT GO. THERE IS A REASON AND THERE IS A MEANING. U WILL KNOW IN TIME.
REMEMBER THAT U DON'T CHOOSE LOVE.LOVE CHOOSES U. ALL U CAN REALLY DO IS ACCEPT IT FOR ALL ITS MYSTERY WHEN IT COMES TO UR LIFE.FEEL THE WAY IT FILLS U TO OVERFLOWING, THEN REACH OUT AND GIVE IT AWAY.
GIVE IT BACK TO THE PERSON WHO BROUGHT IT ALIVE IN U.
GIVE IT TO OTHERS WHO DEEM IT POOR IN SPIRIT.
GIVE IT TO THE WORLD AROUND U IN ANYWAY U CAN.
THIS IS WHERE MANY LOVERS GO WRONG.HAVING BEEN SO LONG WITHOUT LOVE, THEY UNDERSTAND LOVE ONLY AS A NEED.THEY SEE THEIR HEARTS AS EMPTY PLACES THAT WILL BE FILLED BY LOVE, AND THEY BEGIN TO LOOK AT LOVE AS SOMETHING THAT FLOWS TO THEM RATHER THAN FROM THEM.
THE FIRST BLUSH OF NEW LOVE IS FILLED TO OVERFLOWING, BUT AS THEIR LOVE COOLS, THEY REVERT TO SEEING THEIR LOVE AS A NEED.THEY CEASE TO BE SOMEONEWHO GENERATES LOVE AND INSTEAD BECOME SOMEONE WHO SEEKS LOVE. THEY FORGET THAT THE SECRET OF LOVE IS THAT IT IS A GIFT,AND THAT IT CAN BE MADE TO GROW ONLY BY GIVING IT AWAY.
REMEMBER THIS,AND KEEP IT TO UR HEART.LOVE HAS ITS OWN TIME, ITS OWN SEASONS, AND ITS OWN REASON FOR COMING AND GOING.U CANNOT BRIBE IT OR COERCE IT, OR REASON IT INTO SAYING. U CAN ONLY EMBRACE IT WHEN IT ARRIVES AND GIVE IT AWAY WHEN IT COMES TO U.
BUT IF LOVE CHOOSES TO LEAVE FROM UR HEART OR FROM THE HEART OF UR LOVER,THERE IS NOTHING U CAN DO AND THERE IS NOTHING U SHOULD DO. LOVE ALWAYS HAS BEEN AND ALWAYS WILL BE A MYSTERY.
BE GLAD THAT IT CAME TO LIVE FOR A MOMENT IN UR LIFE,
DON'T DENY LOVE, JUST ONLY U DON'T WANT TO BE HURT
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
IF U KEEP UR HEART OPEN, IT WILL SURELY COME ONCE AGAIN.
IF U FIND URSELF IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT LOVE U, BE GENTLE WITH URSELF.THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH U. LOVE JUST DIDN'T CHOOSE TO REST IN THE OTHER PERSONS HEART. IF U FIND SOMEONE ELSE IN LOVE WITH U AND U DON'T LOVE HIM/ HER, FEEL HONOURED THAT LOVE CAME AND CALLED AT UR DOOR, BUT GENTLY REFUSE THE GIFT U CANNOT RETURN.
DO NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE,DO NOT CAUSE PAIN.
HOW U DEAL WITH LOVE IS HOW U DEAL WITH U, AND ALL OUR HEARTS FEEL THE SAME PAINS AND JOYS,EVEN IF OUR LIVES AND WAYS ARE DIFFERENT.
IF U FALL IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER,AND SHE FALLS IN LOVE WITH U, AND THEN LOVE CHOOSES TO LEAVE, DO NOT TRY TO RECLAIM IT OR TO ACCESS BLAME, LET IT GO. THERE IS A REASON AND THERE IS A MEANING. U WILL KNOW IN TIME.
REMEMBER THAT U DON'T CHOOSE LOVE.LOVE CHOOSES U. ALL U CAN REALLY DO IS ACCEPT IT FOR ALL ITS MYSTERY WHEN IT COMES TO UR LIFE.FEEL THE WAY IT FILLS U TO OVERFLOWING, THEN REACH OUT AND GIVE IT AWAY.
GIVE IT BACK TO THE PERSON WHO BROUGHT IT ALIVE IN U.
GIVE IT TO OTHERS WHO DEEM IT POOR IN SPIRIT.
GIVE IT TO THE WORLD AROUND U IN ANYWAY U CAN.
THIS IS WHERE MANY LOVERS GO WRONG.HAVING BEEN SO LONG WITHOUT LOVE, THEY UNDERSTAND LOVE ONLY AS A NEED.THEY SEE THEIR HEARTS AS EMPTY PLACES THAT WILL BE FILLED BY LOVE, AND THEY BEGIN TO LOOK AT LOVE AS SOMETHING THAT FLOWS TO THEM RATHER THAN FROM THEM.
THE FIRST BLUSH OF NEW LOVE IS FILLED TO OVERFLOWING, BUT AS THEIR LOVE COOLS, THEY REVERT TO SEEING THEIR LOVE AS A NEED.THEY CEASE TO BE SOMEONEWHO GENERATES LOVE AND INSTEAD BECOME SOMEONE WHO SEEKS LOVE. THEY FORGET THAT THE SECRET OF LOVE IS THAT IT IS A GIFT,AND THAT IT CAN BE MADE TO GROW ONLY BY GIVING IT AWAY.
REMEMBER THIS,AND KEEP IT TO UR HEART.LOVE HAS ITS OWN TIME, ITS OWN SEASONS, AND ITS OWN REASON FOR COMING AND GOING.U CANNOT BRIBE IT OR COERCE IT, OR REASON IT INTO SAYING. U CAN ONLY EMBRACE IT WHEN IT ARRIVES AND GIVE IT AWAY WHEN IT COMES TO U.
BUT IF LOVE CHOOSES TO LEAVE FROM UR HEART OR FROM THE HEART OF UR LOVER,THERE IS NOTHING U CAN DO AND THERE IS NOTHING U SHOULD DO. LOVE ALWAYS HAS BEEN AND ALWAYS WILL BE A MYSTERY.
BE GLAD THAT IT CAME TO LIVE FOR A MOMENT IN UR LIFE,
DON'T DENY LOVE, JUST ONLY U DON'T WANT TO BE HURT
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
IF U KEEP UR HEART OPEN, IT WILL SURELY COME ONCE AGAIN.
on a rainy walk...
I stepped out of the house and it was dark and windy. The summer was in full swing here; the wind was heavy as if someone was taking panting hot breaths. It was about 8pm local time. I looked at the desolate road, shinning under the amber or yellow street lights, some of the lights were covered by long leafy branches of trees growing on the dividers and they created such beautiful intricate designs of light and shadow. I couldn’t think which way to walk, but then thought of entering the park and walking around it. So, I started to walk slowly, as I took a couple of steps, I heard the thunder crash. It was going to rain.
I thought this was it, the feeling that was gripping my very soul, yet I could not cry or vent my anger, disappointment. There I was so helpless that all I could do was walk out of my house onto the road and start walking. Why are we made so brittle? Why do we break so fast? Why did I fall so fast, so hard? My heart seems to be broken into so many pieces I cannot imagine collecting them together, forget putting it back.
As I crossed the known roads, it started to drizzle. How apt, that the sky should shed all the tears that refuse to exit these eyes. As if I have turned stone cold. But grief and heartbreak had brought tears into the eyes of a cold alabaster statue. Why not me then?
Futile questions echoed through my empty mind. So I thought I should think about something else, and then I thought of you. And well what do you know it started to rain. I had read somewhere that I love to walk in the rain because I can cry. I guess the person who wrote that knew what she was speaking about. I actually distinctly remember that the writer was a female, strange?
Everything flashed before my mind’s eye, was I going to die, I thought morbidly. But no, to other thoughts now, it was liberating, walking in the downpour. The rain felt like sheets of water pouring over me. I don’t know how all the memories came to me and the hurt, the pain, the loss hurt my soul; send such a searing pain through me that I felt faint.
They say you can’t run away from your memories, but I could, and I ran, first it was a jog and then I picked up my pace. Running harder than I have ever run in my life. I remembered the first race I had run when I was in pre-school, I was so busy smiling at my mother and father in the stadium gallery that I came last. But I wasn’t upset. I did not know what it was to lose. I did not know what loss was. The second time I ran a race was a qualifying race for the sports day at school. I was in class 5. I started off well and then suddenly someone from my left dashed into me and I missed my putting falling to the ground. That was the end of my racing history. I was bitter and wanted justice. Then I did not know that if you fall down there is no re-race for you. You have lost. So I cried my tears with a wad of cotton soaked in dettol dabbing it on the superficial wound on my knee.
I never raced again. I had tried a balancing race once, I was in class 4 then, I had qualified for the final but at the very end during the final race my best friend lost her balance and trying to stop the marble from falling ended up toppling over me. I did not grudge her anything. I just hugged her a bit harder; out of sorrow or mutual lose. We had both lost. I don’t remember her saying sorry; I never even wanted an apology from her.
When I was in class 2 I had participated in a race called the ‘shoe and socks’ race, where you had to wear your shoes and sock and then race to the finish. I was better than most at this, especially with the socks, but on the final sports day, I fell ill and was home mopping over the lost prize. Strange we never knew what these prizes were. Never have I even heard of such prizes being better than anything but some chocolates or books, may be a medal or two.
But we ran and we participated.
It was tiring to run so hard so fast; I was losing my breath, finding it harder and harder to control my breathing. I slowed down and thought may be if I had a bicycle it would be nice to ride it in the rain. I had a bicycle ever since I was in class 1 but I never learnt it to ride it till I was in class 5. My dad would take me to the playground, and he would after while get exasperated with me, and we would go home, me in tears and him sweating and angry. It was a disaster. So much so that mom just forbade any more bicycle sessions. Till I was in class 5, a friendly neighbor seeing me struggle with the cycle and my dad screaming from the balcony, offered help.
With much practice and zero effect, I continued to labor with the cycle, till one day I was trying to balance the cycle without falling on the practice wheels, when I hit a lose stone, that jolted me but I kept paddling, after a little while when I stopped I fell. One of my practice wheels had turned out, and the moment I stopped expecting them to take effect, I fell. My neighbor ran in congratulating me for riding the cycle so well. Apparently I had ridden the cycle without realizing it. I rode around that cycle for many years, then after my class 10 we sold it off. I miss it.
As long as the balance wheels were there I didn’t know how to keep the balance, the moment they were gone I was able to ride. Strange, things that seem to be there to help you sometimes prove to be a hindrance!
The thoughts had brought me far, far away from the hurt and the pain, the loss and the gain…
Life teaches me so many lessons and so many that I forget come back to me when I least expect it. When someone trusts you, you should never break their trust. I wonder how many people believe that? Sometimes I cannot fathom the pain. Or the reason for it. Why does my heartache? What is so dear and precious that it’s loss drives me mad? I cannot find any definitive answer. Yet, I know something inside me hurts and aches, and yet I smile and talk and say good things. Why can I not just lie in bed and just not get up?
I drag myself out of the bed and go to office, a respite of some sorts, I guess, if I were left alone with my thoughts I would have become mad. I run from one corner of the room to the other, but the room has no corners for it is round, and I keep going round and round until I feel dizzy an sick, slowly things loss their shape and everything is a slushy mass. I collapse, and hit the hard asphalt. My lungs heaves trying to catch a breath, but try as hard as it might it cannot. Am I dying?
My eyes are closed and I wonder whether I am dreaming? But may be I am dreaming. But dreams are beautiful, why is this happening to me?
Why do we wish for such unattainable things? But why blame our wish/ no one told me that I could not love you. No one told me that I should not love you. No one said that I could never have you. Why do they not teach this in class? Shouldn’t they?
What is the use of such lessons that do not teach you how to deal with life? When is there a perfect love? Is there love at all? What we call love, does it really exist? If so then it is supposed to be the most beautiful of human emotions then why do not people understand? Is it a crime to love you? Why can’t I be happy? What is my fault? I have loved you more than anything else in my life and yet I am lying here empty handed and alone.
Is it fair? Is it? Is there a God/ if there be, then I ask you why? Why are you putting me through this? I want to be happy, is it all that much to ask for. You give people so much unasked for what about me? You are omni-potent, therefore you know, then why don’t you bring my love to me. Why are we not together? They say miracles do happen, then why can’t you make a miracle happen? Today, right now.
Why did I meet a person that I fell in love with and can’t have? If you see all and know all why did you let me fall in love? So many people fall in love and then fall out of it. So many relations end. But why can’t I stop loving/ why doesn’t this pain go away? It is becoming so difficult to breath now. May be I am dying. May be that’s what the end is. I will die, and then….
Nothing. Nothing. Cause I can’t find love here, how will I find love somewhere else. I will always be alone, and that is what my life will be, broken mirror with nothing, no image, no visage.
“ Excuse me? Are you all right? Did you fall down? Can I help you?”
No you can’t. No one can. I opened my eyes and then I saw someone standing near me looking at me perplexed. A smile traced my lips as I thought how funny I must look now, and a bright smile lighted up my face and I held a hand to get up. I could breath now. It was under control. It was awkward to start to explain, but what to explain?
“ Where do you live? Can I walk you to your house? Be careful the roads are slippery in the rain.”
“Thank you, that would be nice. I think I am lost.”
“ No problem, I know this place like the back of my hand.”
Who says miracles don’t happen? Sometimes you just got to be on the right road at the right time.
“So what’s your name?”
I thought this was it, the feeling that was gripping my very soul, yet I could not cry or vent my anger, disappointment. There I was so helpless that all I could do was walk out of my house onto the road and start walking. Why are we made so brittle? Why do we break so fast? Why did I fall so fast, so hard? My heart seems to be broken into so many pieces I cannot imagine collecting them together, forget putting it back.
As I crossed the known roads, it started to drizzle. How apt, that the sky should shed all the tears that refuse to exit these eyes. As if I have turned stone cold. But grief and heartbreak had brought tears into the eyes of a cold alabaster statue. Why not me then?
Futile questions echoed through my empty mind. So I thought I should think about something else, and then I thought of you. And well what do you know it started to rain. I had read somewhere that I love to walk in the rain because I can cry. I guess the person who wrote that knew what she was speaking about. I actually distinctly remember that the writer was a female, strange?
Everything flashed before my mind’s eye, was I going to die, I thought morbidly. But no, to other thoughts now, it was liberating, walking in the downpour. The rain felt like sheets of water pouring over me. I don’t know how all the memories came to me and the hurt, the pain, the loss hurt my soul; send such a searing pain through me that I felt faint.
They say you can’t run away from your memories, but I could, and I ran, first it was a jog and then I picked up my pace. Running harder than I have ever run in my life. I remembered the first race I had run when I was in pre-school, I was so busy smiling at my mother and father in the stadium gallery that I came last. But I wasn’t upset. I did not know what it was to lose. I did not know what loss was. The second time I ran a race was a qualifying race for the sports day at school. I was in class 5. I started off well and then suddenly someone from my left dashed into me and I missed my putting falling to the ground. That was the end of my racing history. I was bitter and wanted justice. Then I did not know that if you fall down there is no re-race for you. You have lost. So I cried my tears with a wad of cotton soaked in dettol dabbing it on the superficial wound on my knee.
I never raced again. I had tried a balancing race once, I was in class 4 then, I had qualified for the final but at the very end during the final race my best friend lost her balance and trying to stop the marble from falling ended up toppling over me. I did not grudge her anything. I just hugged her a bit harder; out of sorrow or mutual lose. We had both lost. I don’t remember her saying sorry; I never even wanted an apology from her.
When I was in class 2 I had participated in a race called the ‘shoe and socks’ race, where you had to wear your shoes and sock and then race to the finish. I was better than most at this, especially with the socks, but on the final sports day, I fell ill and was home mopping over the lost prize. Strange we never knew what these prizes were. Never have I even heard of such prizes being better than anything but some chocolates or books, may be a medal or two.
But we ran and we participated.
It was tiring to run so hard so fast; I was losing my breath, finding it harder and harder to control my breathing. I slowed down and thought may be if I had a bicycle it would be nice to ride it in the rain. I had a bicycle ever since I was in class 1 but I never learnt it to ride it till I was in class 5. My dad would take me to the playground, and he would after while get exasperated with me, and we would go home, me in tears and him sweating and angry. It was a disaster. So much so that mom just forbade any more bicycle sessions. Till I was in class 5, a friendly neighbor seeing me struggle with the cycle and my dad screaming from the balcony, offered help.
With much practice and zero effect, I continued to labor with the cycle, till one day I was trying to balance the cycle without falling on the practice wheels, when I hit a lose stone, that jolted me but I kept paddling, after a little while when I stopped I fell. One of my practice wheels had turned out, and the moment I stopped expecting them to take effect, I fell. My neighbor ran in congratulating me for riding the cycle so well. Apparently I had ridden the cycle without realizing it. I rode around that cycle for many years, then after my class 10 we sold it off. I miss it.
As long as the balance wheels were there I didn’t know how to keep the balance, the moment they were gone I was able to ride. Strange, things that seem to be there to help you sometimes prove to be a hindrance!
The thoughts had brought me far, far away from the hurt and the pain, the loss and the gain…
Life teaches me so many lessons and so many that I forget come back to me when I least expect it. When someone trusts you, you should never break their trust. I wonder how many people believe that? Sometimes I cannot fathom the pain. Or the reason for it. Why does my heartache? What is so dear and precious that it’s loss drives me mad? I cannot find any definitive answer. Yet, I know something inside me hurts and aches, and yet I smile and talk and say good things. Why can I not just lie in bed and just not get up?
I drag myself out of the bed and go to office, a respite of some sorts, I guess, if I were left alone with my thoughts I would have become mad. I run from one corner of the room to the other, but the room has no corners for it is round, and I keep going round and round until I feel dizzy an sick, slowly things loss their shape and everything is a slushy mass. I collapse, and hit the hard asphalt. My lungs heaves trying to catch a breath, but try as hard as it might it cannot. Am I dying?
My eyes are closed and I wonder whether I am dreaming? But may be I am dreaming. But dreams are beautiful, why is this happening to me?
Why do we wish for such unattainable things? But why blame our wish/ no one told me that I could not love you. No one told me that I should not love you. No one said that I could never have you. Why do they not teach this in class? Shouldn’t they?
What is the use of such lessons that do not teach you how to deal with life? When is there a perfect love? Is there love at all? What we call love, does it really exist? If so then it is supposed to be the most beautiful of human emotions then why do not people understand? Is it a crime to love you? Why can’t I be happy? What is my fault? I have loved you more than anything else in my life and yet I am lying here empty handed and alone.
Is it fair? Is it? Is there a God/ if there be, then I ask you why? Why are you putting me through this? I want to be happy, is it all that much to ask for. You give people so much unasked for what about me? You are omni-potent, therefore you know, then why don’t you bring my love to me. Why are we not together? They say miracles do happen, then why can’t you make a miracle happen? Today, right now.
Why did I meet a person that I fell in love with and can’t have? If you see all and know all why did you let me fall in love? So many people fall in love and then fall out of it. So many relations end. But why can’t I stop loving/ why doesn’t this pain go away? It is becoming so difficult to breath now. May be I am dying. May be that’s what the end is. I will die, and then….
Nothing. Nothing. Cause I can’t find love here, how will I find love somewhere else. I will always be alone, and that is what my life will be, broken mirror with nothing, no image, no visage.
“ Excuse me? Are you all right? Did you fall down? Can I help you?”
No you can’t. No one can. I opened my eyes and then I saw someone standing near me looking at me perplexed. A smile traced my lips as I thought how funny I must look now, and a bright smile lighted up my face and I held a hand to get up. I could breath now. It was under control. It was awkward to start to explain, but what to explain?
“ Where do you live? Can I walk you to your house? Be careful the roads are slippery in the rain.”
“Thank you, that would be nice. I think I am lost.”
“ No problem, I know this place like the back of my hand.”
Who says miracles don’t happen? Sometimes you just got to be on the right road at the right time.
“So what’s your name?”
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Monday, June 13, 2005
After HR trainee went back home on Monday
6/13/05 7:40 PM
Today was a fun day full of heartbreaks and smiles. Do I sound sarcastic? Well morning opened with the thought of Rick, yes, I was positive something bad must have happened, and when I reach office in the late hours I will find his chair empty. I steeled myself for the shock and went about my way. The classic case of amnesia hit me, I forgot my class roll number, can you imagine! It has fallen to such disuse now that I did not even have it written anywhere then finally I found a ref to it in one of my diary. And then I realized that my guess had been way off the mark. My guess was 195 and turns out my roll is 12. Laugh as hard as you can. Well I mistook my university roll number as my present.
That was a fun beginning to the day. Went to the institute to and there I meet ‘hound’, he is a classmate and recently the news is he is officially seeing a particular chick. The problem in all this is not as my mom assumes my interest in the guy but the fact that he had made a bet with me at a party I threw at my house, that he would have her in his bed by the end of the 2 years. I am hoping for her sake that he has forgotten that bet as part of the drunken revelry.
But something tells me there is much more to it than meets the eye as he himself confessed that he hasn’t really spoken to his parents as was demanded and assumed by her. She has already done this, but I am again hoping that this may be my overworking imagination and nothing in reality. I do wish their relation a success. I can’t help thinking how some people get so lucky.
We went out and had fun made plans for vacations, which will perhaps never materialize, but it was good. The feeling of being with my friends made me really happy. To top it all a call came from Rick, from office, yet at least it did come and although I was at my most rude behavior, asking him to hang up but I felt relieved. Anyway, the good thing is my friends are the most supportive bunch of people I have ever seen. I constantly get this feeling that I am so much worse than they as a human being and yet I am so lucky to have them as my friend.
I must thank god more often.
So the first showers are here, it rained and it was beautiful, I walked a bit feeling the rain on my skin, it seemed the most easy thing to do, but only for my papers and rather important ones that I had to take a cab. I was nearly ready to go home, but as the office approached I felt I wanted to go there. Not cause of Rick or work but cause I just felt like it. I just hope this lasts. The feeling I mean.
I just don’t know I made a mess today, cried like a fool but I felt good, that place made of concrete and glass seemed a little less lifeless, and I felt alive. I knew I was not dead, not turned inert. I felt the emotions in that mail and it was as if I was reading one of mine own. The ones that I have written to D. When I heard that this had not been answered I felt the bitterness. I realized that because people are so busy being correct and professional and unemotional, any emotion they come across they push it aside. If they read a mail that touches their soul they do not react to it, try harder to steel their heart where nothing can reach anymore. This is what perhaps D means when he says that he feels blackmailed. I guess my mails could be termed as that. But only by an unsympathetic fool who cannot handle his own emotions and is running so scared that he doesn’t know where he is running.
I wonder what would have happened to D if he were faced with the situation Rick faces? He would certainly left the girl and gone and hidden behind his mom. The jerk that he is, he will always have it easy. He will never have to face any ordeal any dilemma and hence he will always remain the immature fool. Good riddance!
I can’t help thinking about Rick, amazing how he smiles in all this, does his work, and can find time for a sense of humor that is absolutely unheard of. How much of it is pretending, how much real? When he says he feels let down, I wonder is this the real Rick or the one who makes me laugh. Then I think why choose? Both of them are him, he is both, like someone said personality is not like a coin it is like a diamond.
I look at Rick and think here is a Libran who is standing up for what he believes, he is not a cry baby yet he has his emotions in the right place cause if he hadn’t he could never have written that mail. But I guess I am a sentimental fool when Rick today said why I was crying so much I realized no one even a fellow Libran would consider my habit of crying at the drop of a coin as very nice. It will be irritating! It is irritating! Emotional, If that be my personality, I should not cry, that I am sensitive or emotional will come across in things I say and do and not in my tears. So here’s saying no more tears!!
Today was a fun day full of heartbreaks and smiles. Do I sound sarcastic? Well morning opened with the thought of Rick, yes, I was positive something bad must have happened, and when I reach office in the late hours I will find his chair empty. I steeled myself for the shock and went about my way. The classic case of amnesia hit me, I forgot my class roll number, can you imagine! It has fallen to such disuse now that I did not even have it written anywhere then finally I found a ref to it in one of my diary. And then I realized that my guess had been way off the mark. My guess was 195 and turns out my roll is 12. Laugh as hard as you can. Well I mistook my university roll number as my present.
That was a fun beginning to the day. Went to the institute to and there I meet ‘hound’, he is a classmate and recently the news is he is officially seeing a particular chick. The problem in all this is not as my mom assumes my interest in the guy but the fact that he had made a bet with me at a party I threw at my house, that he would have her in his bed by the end of the 2 years. I am hoping for her sake that he has forgotten that bet as part of the drunken revelry.
But something tells me there is much more to it than meets the eye as he himself confessed that he hasn’t really spoken to his parents as was demanded and assumed by her. She has already done this, but I am again hoping that this may be my overworking imagination and nothing in reality. I do wish their relation a success. I can’t help thinking how some people get so lucky.
We went out and had fun made plans for vacations, which will perhaps never materialize, but it was good. The feeling of being with my friends made me really happy. To top it all a call came from Rick, from office, yet at least it did come and although I was at my most rude behavior, asking him to hang up but I felt relieved. Anyway, the good thing is my friends are the most supportive bunch of people I have ever seen. I constantly get this feeling that I am so much worse than they as a human being and yet I am so lucky to have them as my friend.
I must thank god more often.
So the first showers are here, it rained and it was beautiful, I walked a bit feeling the rain on my skin, it seemed the most easy thing to do, but only for my papers and rather important ones that I had to take a cab. I was nearly ready to go home, but as the office approached I felt I wanted to go there. Not cause of Rick or work but cause I just felt like it. I just hope this lasts. The feeling I mean.
I just don’t know I made a mess today, cried like a fool but I felt good, that place made of concrete and glass seemed a little less lifeless, and I felt alive. I knew I was not dead, not turned inert. I felt the emotions in that mail and it was as if I was reading one of mine own. The ones that I have written to D. When I heard that this had not been answered I felt the bitterness. I realized that because people are so busy being correct and professional and unemotional, any emotion they come across they push it aside. If they read a mail that touches their soul they do not react to it, try harder to steel their heart where nothing can reach anymore. This is what perhaps D means when he says that he feels blackmailed. I guess my mails could be termed as that. But only by an unsympathetic fool who cannot handle his own emotions and is running so scared that he doesn’t know where he is running.
I wonder what would have happened to D if he were faced with the situation Rick faces? He would certainly left the girl and gone and hidden behind his mom. The jerk that he is, he will always have it easy. He will never have to face any ordeal any dilemma and hence he will always remain the immature fool. Good riddance!
I can’t help thinking about Rick, amazing how he smiles in all this, does his work, and can find time for a sense of humor that is absolutely unheard of. How much of it is pretending, how much real? When he says he feels let down, I wonder is this the real Rick or the one who makes me laugh. Then I think why choose? Both of them are him, he is both, like someone said personality is not like a coin it is like a diamond.
I look at Rick and think here is a Libran who is standing up for what he believes, he is not a cry baby yet he has his emotions in the right place cause if he hadn’t he could never have written that mail. But I guess I am a sentimental fool when Rick today said why I was crying so much I realized no one even a fellow Libran would consider my habit of crying at the drop of a coin as very nice. It will be irritating! It is irritating! Emotional, If that be my personality, I should not cry, that I am sensitive or emotional will come across in things I say and do and not in my tears. So here’s saying no more tears!!
HR trainees saturday continues
6/11/05 4:40 PM
The truth is sometimes stranger than fiction! But I guess life teaches us so much. Today I learnt that there are loads of people who are working much harder than I ever can or will and still not getting paid enough. But they go about their work with such stoicism and yet I crib about my better condition. Sometimes, I feel that we humans have an insatiable desire to have more and more and better and better things. What are unattainable now are what I crave and the day I will attain that I will crave some other unattainable. Why am I talking about such things? Things that seem so meaningless sometimes!
I had a stupid fight with my parents about going to office after finishing the bank work, they were right as always. In the heat I would have certainly fallen sick. But worse had I kept the idea of office seriously in my mind I would have in for a shock. The amount of running around the bank people made me do I feel sick already.
Of course, there was the innate feeling of I have made a fool of myself. I mean hopefully the concerned person will not read this, and anyway, this is an open forum anyone can say anything one wishes. I just felt really bad when in spite of my eagerness and worry (undue as well as unrecognized!) I got a cold response of, “this is your office.. etc” I didn’t bother hearing the rest. Well, dear a good lesson learnt, men are impossible. If it had been any of the girls they would have loved the thought that you were upset and worried that you had spent time thinking and decided being there was important. That you felt sad because you left so suddenly the last evening. But do men care? NO. so don’t bother, men Libran or otherwise, deserve none of your thoughts. Coming from a fellow Libran this experience should teach you enough but then again you have the delightful ability to forget your lessons every time you find someone in distress. You must have been a nun or something, in your last life.
Anyway, enough of bitterness, one is just tired of it, so here’s wishing him luck in whatever he does and most importantly may good sense prevail over overtly emotional responses or reactions. As must be wished for all Librans including, this writer. Someone please wish that for me!!
The truth is sometimes stranger than fiction! But I guess life teaches us so much. Today I learnt that there are loads of people who are working much harder than I ever can or will and still not getting paid enough. But they go about their work with such stoicism and yet I crib about my better condition. Sometimes, I feel that we humans have an insatiable desire to have more and more and better and better things. What are unattainable now are what I crave and the day I will attain that I will crave some other unattainable. Why am I talking about such things? Things that seem so meaningless sometimes!
I had a stupid fight with my parents about going to office after finishing the bank work, they were right as always. In the heat I would have certainly fallen sick. But worse had I kept the idea of office seriously in my mind I would have in for a shock. The amount of running around the bank people made me do I feel sick already.
Of course, there was the innate feeling of I have made a fool of myself. I mean hopefully the concerned person will not read this, and anyway, this is an open forum anyone can say anything one wishes. I just felt really bad when in spite of my eagerness and worry (undue as well as unrecognized!) I got a cold response of, “this is your office.. etc” I didn’t bother hearing the rest. Well, dear a good lesson learnt, men are impossible. If it had been any of the girls they would have loved the thought that you were upset and worried that you had spent time thinking and decided being there was important. That you felt sad because you left so suddenly the last evening. But do men care? NO. so don’t bother, men Libran or otherwise, deserve none of your thoughts. Coming from a fellow Libran this experience should teach you enough but then again you have the delightful ability to forget your lessons every time you find someone in distress. You must have been a nun or something, in your last life.
Anyway, enough of bitterness, one is just tired of it, so here’s wishing him luck in whatever he does and most importantly may good sense prevail over overtly emotional responses or reactions. As must be wished for all Librans including, this writer. Someone please wish that for me!!
a saturday post
6/11/05 4:32 PM
A day of reckoning! I am not in office; I had to go to the bank to get my draft done which is making a lot of hassle. They want this letter signed by that person and that person giving a written application. Stupid financial transaction rules, and of course I cannot remember when is the last time I have heard the word policy so many times.
What is worse is after a night of dilemma I could not stop myself from calling up Rick. It was a natural disaster. Obviously, my expectations always fail men when it comes to friendships. What was I thinking? I was perhaps expecting him to consider me to be an ally, a friend, but I guess I assumed too much importance. He just let out a bit of his emotions like any other person in his situation. No this is perhaps nothing creditable of Librans.
What is even more fascinating to me, yes, ‘fascinating’ to me is that how can all this be so similar to my dream? It is such a weird feeling to see the same things that I have dreamt off. I mean down to the unacceptable fiancée`, strange! I probably never give this intuition, or do I call it premonition that I have, much importance. But what after this I ought to take my thoughts and dreams very seriously. One must be careful what one thinks, like they say you must be very careful in what you wish, your wish might just come true!
A day of reckoning! I am not in office; I had to go to the bank to get my draft done which is making a lot of hassle. They want this letter signed by that person and that person giving a written application. Stupid financial transaction rules, and of course I cannot remember when is the last time I have heard the word policy so many times.
What is worse is after a night of dilemma I could not stop myself from calling up Rick. It was a natural disaster. Obviously, my expectations always fail men when it comes to friendships. What was I thinking? I was perhaps expecting him to consider me to be an ally, a friend, but I guess I assumed too much importance. He just let out a bit of his emotions like any other person in his situation. No this is perhaps nothing creditable of Librans.
What is even more fascinating to me, yes, ‘fascinating’ to me is that how can all this be so similar to my dream? It is such a weird feeling to see the same things that I have dreamt off. I mean down to the unacceptable fiancée`, strange! I probably never give this intuition, or do I call it premonition that I have, much importance. But what after this I ought to take my thoughts and dreams very seriously. One must be careful what one thinks, like they say you must be very careful in what you wish, your wish might just come true!
Remember These Words
Don't let go of hope. Hope gives you the strength
to keep going when you feel like giving up.
Don't ever quit believing in yourself. As long as
you believe you can, you will have a reason for
trying.
Don't let anyone hold your happiness in their
hands; hold it in yours, so it will always be within
you reach.
Don't measure success or failure by material
wealth, but by how you feel; our feelings determine
the richness of our lives.
Don't let bad moments overcome you; be patient,
and they will pass.
Don't hesitate to reach out for help; we all need
it from time to time.
Don't run away from love but towards love, because
it is our deepest joy.
Don't wait for what you want to come to you; go
after it with all that you are, knowing that life will
meet you halfway.
Don't feel like you've lost when plans and dreams
fall short of your hopes. Anytime you learn something
new about yourself or about life, you have progressed.
Don't do anything that takes away from your
self-respect; feeling good about yourself is essential
to feeling good about life.
Don't ever forget how to laugh or be too proud to
cry. It is by doing both that we live life to its
fullest.
to keep going when you feel like giving up.
Don't ever quit believing in yourself. As long as
you believe you can, you will have a reason for
trying.
Don't let anyone hold your happiness in their
hands; hold it in yours, so it will always be within
you reach.
Don't measure success or failure by material
wealth, but by how you feel; our feelings determine
the richness of our lives.
Don't let bad moments overcome you; be patient,
and they will pass.
Don't hesitate to reach out for help; we all need
it from time to time.
Don't run away from love but towards love, because
it is our deepest joy.
Don't wait for what you want to come to you; go
after it with all that you are, knowing that life will
meet you halfway.
Don't feel like you've lost when plans and dreams
fall short of your hopes. Anytime you learn something
new about yourself or about life, you have progressed.
Don't do anything that takes away from your
self-respect; feeling good about yourself is essential
to feeling good about life.
Don't ever forget how to laugh or be too proud to
cry. It is by doing both that we live life to its
fullest.
be a lake
The old Master instructed the unhappy young man to put
a handful of salt in a glass of water and then to
drink it. "How does it taste?" the Master asked.
"Awful," spat the apprentice.
The Master chuckled and then asked the young man to
take another handful of salt and put it in the lake.
The two walked in silence to the nearby lake and when
the apprentice swirled his handful of salt into the
lake, the old man said, "Now drink from the lake."
As the water dripped down the young man's chin, the
Master asked, "How does it taste?" "Good!" remarked
the apprentice. "Do you taste the salt?" asked the
Master. "No," said the young man.
The Master sat beside this troubled young man, took
his hands, and said, "The pain of life is pure salt;
no more, no less. The amount of pain in life remains
the same, exactly the same. But the amount we taste
the 'pain' depends on the container we put it into. So
when you are in pain, the only thing you can do is to
enlarge your sense of things ..... Stop being a glass.
Become a lake!"
a handful of salt in a glass of water and then to
drink it. "How does it taste?" the Master asked.
"Awful," spat the apprentice.
The Master chuckled and then asked the young man to
take another handful of salt and put it in the lake.
The two walked in silence to the nearby lake and when
the apprentice swirled his handful of salt into the
lake, the old man said, "Now drink from the lake."
As the water dripped down the young man's chin, the
Master asked, "How does it taste?" "Good!" remarked
the apprentice. "Do you taste the salt?" asked the
Master. "No," said the young man.
The Master sat beside this troubled young man, took
his hands, and said, "The pain of life is pure salt;
no more, no less. The amount of pain in life remains
the same, exactly the same. But the amount we taste
the 'pain' depends on the container we put it into. So
when you are in pain, the only thing you can do is to
enlarge your sense of things ..... Stop being a glass.
Become a lake!"
of life.....
Let me explain you about how things work in
everyone's life, it's just a small thing: Each
individual is like a light ray (u know abt sun?). But
in order for a light ray to appear white, it combines
in different colours and mixes it to make a light ray
appear white. It's the same thing with us, human
beings. It's a mixture of all these things which make
our life. Our life is filled with all the different
colours like joy, happiness, sadness, excitement,
pain, pleasures and the 'n' number of things. And all
these are imbibed into our life and make us a human
being.
Now, it all depends upon the individual reflections,
how one receives things, (the way, after reflecting a
surface, a particular colour appear dominant like the
blue sky or the sun at dawn and dusk, its all due to
diffraction, refraction, reflection and kind of stuff
which takes time to explain but which isnt necessary
right now). Some like some particular things, some
look for something else and this story goes on without
an end.
It's the same thing which all the people here who are
all from different backgrounds. Youth is only a part
of life which you want to enjoy and jokes and all the
fun is also a part of life which you want to make your
life. Well, it doesn't suite enough.
am just an individual trying to make a
difference. (LEAD BY EXAMPLE) It's all the difference
we can create in someone's life. How we perceive
things literally, in reality.
Jokes are only a part of life and life isn't a joke.
So take life seriously. Think about what you are doing
and what you want to do. Rather than trying to look
for things go in search for them, atleast start your
journey.
About my being philosophical, well it all depends upon
the individual's perception. HOw you take things into
consideration.
Open your eyes and look at the world. Don't follow the
herd, they are all blind (what is the truth you can
only know when you look at it).
So take things seriously. Laugh when you have to
laugh. Cry when you have to cry. Eat when you have to
eat.
what am i writing? again i don't know most of the times i have no idea why i write things. but i am shocked and apalled by life and love especially why do we hurt people that we love? i cannot imagine why? i cannot face this life and everytime i feel i have seen the worst, the mosterous face shows a new horror and i cannot beleive that this also is a face of life. worse that of love.
does life imitate art or the other way? all the stories of unfulfileld love, are tehy then true? after the perfect love why is there not the perfect marriage?? why why why? and teh questions crowd my mind and make it harder for me to think. i don't knwo why i write this, as i steal a gaze to my left i feel pain and only pain and amidst that a laughter ringing across the enclosed walls of the unfortunate thing called heart. a heart empty of all things that should be there, stripped bare of things un-understood yet asked for, desired and not found, or found and lost as the string slips away from my had and the kite is lost in the dark cloudy sky.
everyone's life, it's just a small thing: Each
individual is like a light ray (u know abt sun?). But
in order for a light ray to appear white, it combines
in different colours and mixes it to make a light ray
appear white. It's the same thing with us, human
beings. It's a mixture of all these things which make
our life. Our life is filled with all the different
colours like joy, happiness, sadness, excitement,
pain, pleasures and the 'n' number of things. And all
these are imbibed into our life and make us a human
being.
Now, it all depends upon the individual reflections,
how one receives things, (the way, after reflecting a
surface, a particular colour appear dominant like the
blue sky or the sun at dawn and dusk, its all due to
diffraction, refraction, reflection and kind of stuff
which takes time to explain but which isnt necessary
right now). Some like some particular things, some
look for something else and this story goes on without
an end.
It's the same thing which all the people here who are
all from different backgrounds. Youth is only a part
of life which you want to enjoy and jokes and all the
fun is also a part of life which you want to make your
life. Well, it doesn't suite enough.
am just an individual trying to make a
difference. (LEAD BY EXAMPLE) It's all the difference
we can create in someone's life. How we perceive
things literally, in reality.
Jokes are only a part of life and life isn't a joke.
So take life seriously. Think about what you are doing
and what you want to do. Rather than trying to look
for things go in search for them, atleast start your
journey.
About my being philosophical, well it all depends upon
the individual's perception. HOw you take things into
consideration.
Open your eyes and look at the world. Don't follow the
herd, they are all blind (what is the truth you can
only know when you look at it).
So take things seriously. Laugh when you have to
laugh. Cry when you have to cry. Eat when you have to
eat.
what am i writing? again i don't know most of the times i have no idea why i write things. but i am shocked and apalled by life and love especially why do we hurt people that we love? i cannot imagine why? i cannot face this life and everytime i feel i have seen the worst, the mosterous face shows a new horror and i cannot beleive that this also is a face of life. worse that of love.
does life imitate art or the other way? all the stories of unfulfileld love, are tehy then true? after the perfect love why is there not the perfect marriage?? why why why? and teh questions crowd my mind and make it harder for me to think. i don't knwo why i write this, as i steal a gaze to my left i feel pain and only pain and amidst that a laughter ringing across the enclosed walls of the unfortunate thing called heart. a heart empty of all things that should be there, stripped bare of things un-understood yet asked for, desired and not found, or found and lost as the string slips away from my had and the kite is lost in the dark cloudy sky.
Friday, June 10, 2005
had to write
so librans are quite something i must say. one of a kind. and now that i have met a fellow libran i am asking him questions about libran behavior. i wonder why we behave the way we do?
it has been 5 days since monday when i received a mail from D after that i have deleted his address from my mail address books and also from the yahoo messenger. i managed to send him a blank message while attempting to delete his id from the messenger, to which i received an offline which said "hello".
well if i count saturday last then it has been 6 days since i have spoken to D. i am not uoset but sometimes these thoughts crowd my mind. like today when coming to office while in the car, i started to think of the time we met on 10th may. we ate so much that day, actually i was thinking of chocolate mousee` and then i thought of us eating at forum and all and i felt a smile lighting up my face. there was a flicker of a smile and i killed it right there. yes i conciously avoided his thought and stopped myself from smiling.
its strange we are taught to be unhappy with experience. not to smile. to forget happy thoughts. i feel so sad. with my 'happy guy' gone i don't think i will ever be happy again.
poor me!
it has been 5 days since monday when i received a mail from D after that i have deleted his address from my mail address books and also from the yahoo messenger. i managed to send him a blank message while attempting to delete his id from the messenger, to which i received an offline which said "hello".
well if i count saturday last then it has been 6 days since i have spoken to D. i am not uoset but sometimes these thoughts crowd my mind. like today when coming to office while in the car, i started to think of the time we met on 10th may. we ate so much that day, actually i was thinking of chocolate mousee` and then i thought of us eating at forum and all and i felt a smile lighting up my face. there was a flicker of a smile and i killed it right there. yes i conciously avoided his thought and stopped myself from smiling.
its strange we are taught to be unhappy with experience. not to smile. to forget happy thoughts. i feel so sad. with my 'happy guy' gone i don't think i will ever be happy again.
poor me!
strange ways of men
the people in this office and perhaps in every office every where are so involved in politics. i wonder why? humans are so ready to hurt others. why do we always assume that only by hurting others can we gain anything?
there is someone, perhaps again every one who is pretending here. on the one hand he speaks to this other person nicely and then plots against him behind his back.
i am shocked to hear all this. he was actually saying that he should leave in that he should resign. wow! i dont think u can trust people.
i wonder what is all this? if this was a college situation i would have spoken about it, but this is office and that too politics.
there is someone, perhaps again every one who is pretending here. on the one hand he speaks to this other person nicely and then plots against him behind his back.
i am shocked to hear all this. he was actually saying that he should leave in that he should resign. wow! i dont think u can trust people.
i wonder what is all this? if this was a college situation i would have spoken about it, but this is office and that too politics.
bugged
a particular irritant has been bugging me why do i even bother coming to the office i should have just left i am not goin to be sittign silly here. mon day i will go to the instt if possible or else well, get started on the HRIS. wat does he think he is just being irritating.
as if he does a lot of wrk here.
i hate him so much.
i wish i never have to work for someone like him.
well i just dont want to work when just nw someone askd me wat i will do aftr MBA i think i shud have said i will do an english (MA) in JU.
as if he does a lot of wrk here.
i hate him so much.
i wish i never have to work for someone like him.
well i just dont want to work when just nw someone askd me wat i will do aftr MBA i think i shud have said i will do an english (MA) in JU.
SILENCE
Have you ever experienced a moment in your life when you just ran out
of words and you go... s i l e n t ???
Let me assist you in recalling...
.. the moment when you left your home for the first time and you look
back at your parents who are worried that their son/daughter are
leaving them yet happy that their child took the first step towards
independence.
... the moment when the girl/boy you like most.. smiled back at you!
You dont say anything.. you just smile back..
... the moment when you get better marks than you expected... those
"numb" moments of ecstacy n surprise "is that true?"...
... the moment when you are parting with your old friend(s) and the
train has just started... and you are standing on the door of the
wagon.. waving "bye-bye" with your heart beating fast...
... the moment after the HR manager has just called you and told
you,"You are through! Congrats!"
... the moment when you sit alone in your room after having told
everyone that you cleared that exam you prepared for 6 months!!
You can go on remembering your "special" moments!
I had always wondered why I never said anything to myself at those
moments.. as if it was "understood"... happiness, joy, pain.. all
feelings just flowed ceaselessly in the 'years' that passed in those
flash moments!
They say.. the best way to communicate is through "silence".
Love. Joy. Grief. Surprise. Anger. Hope. Expectations. Support.
Non-cooperation...
Can you imagine the importance of a silent moment in a song??
When Bryan Adams stops for a while along with music, before he goes
on in his husky voice...
... Please forgive me. I cant stop loving you!
Ever had those moments when you thought you were tired enough that
you reach for your bed after dinner.. but find yourself wide awake
looking at the roof of your room silently...
But you sure are 'thinking'... those moments of self-talk are the
most important in our lives. Those moments when we listen to our own
hearts! Those promises... those decisions... those are the moments
when we make our destinies!
Next time you go silent... listen carefully to what your heart is
saying.. listen to its joy...listen to its pain.. listen to its
fears.. listen to its desires..
Dont make it shut up and go off to sleep...
LISTEN TO THAT VOICE and ACCEPT EVERYTHING IT SAYS!
That voice alone can lead you to the abode of peace that your sleep
lacks...
peace that awaits you!
Be in touch with your true self... be silent once a day, every day !
of words and you go... s i l e n t ???
Let me assist you in recalling...
.. the moment when you left your home for the first time and you look
back at your parents who are worried that their son/daughter are
leaving them yet happy that their child took the first step towards
independence.
... the moment when the girl/boy you like most.. smiled back at you!
You dont say anything.. you just smile back..
... the moment when you get better marks than you expected... those
"numb" moments of ecstacy n surprise "is that true?"...
... the moment when you are parting with your old friend(s) and the
train has just started... and you are standing on the door of the
wagon.. waving "bye-bye" with your heart beating fast...
... the moment after the HR manager has just called you and told
you,"You are through! Congrats!"
... the moment when you sit alone in your room after having told
everyone that you cleared that exam you prepared for 6 months!!
You can go on remembering your "special" moments!
I had always wondered why I never said anything to myself at those
moments.. as if it was "understood"... happiness, joy, pain.. all
feelings just flowed ceaselessly in the 'years' that passed in those
flash moments!
They say.. the best way to communicate is through "silence".
Love. Joy. Grief. Surprise. Anger. Hope. Expectations. Support.
Non-cooperation...
Can you imagine the importance of a silent moment in a song??
When Bryan Adams stops for a while along with music, before he goes
on in his husky voice...
... Please forgive me. I cant stop loving you!
Ever had those moments when you thought you were tired enough that
you reach for your bed after dinner.. but find yourself wide awake
looking at the roof of your room silently...
But you sure are 'thinking'... those moments of self-talk are the
most important in our lives. Those moments when we listen to our own
hearts! Those promises... those decisions... those are the moments
when we make our destinies!
Next time you go silent... listen carefully to what your heart is
saying.. listen to its joy...listen to its pain.. listen to its
fears.. listen to its desires..
Dont make it shut up and go off to sleep...
LISTEN TO THAT VOICE and ACCEPT EVERYTHING IT SAYS!
That voice alone can lead you to the abode of peace that your sleep
lacks...
peace that awaits you!
Be in touch with your true self... be silent once a day, every day !
HR TRAINEE on bad Class 12 results
employees at present are rattled by the boss. and teh boss is rattled by his daughters result. a mere 60 % or perhaps less than that. poor man! i must say, i guess my parents were lucky that they have never had to work so hard for any of my admissions.
i guess i feel rather sad for the man, even if he is abusive.
after he si like my father...
i was thinking if i had the opportunity to talk to him i would tell him to let her daughter get into a more general line. or decide now itself what she wants to do. pushing her into a subject where she is not happy is a bad idea. i have a feeling the daughter is weak in maths, but then maths is not everything.i am bad at it, i mean i suck!
anyway, i guess my dad was different, he never associated his pride with my success. why should teh child's failure be such a burden end of the day she is his daughter and whatever she does should make him proud. i really feel he is being hard on himself and harsh on her by caring what other peole think of her reault.
may be i am from a family that believs in different things. but these are the times i feel blessed to have been born in this family.
i guess i feel rather sad for the man, even if he is abusive.
after he si like my father...
i was thinking if i had the opportunity to talk to him i would tell him to let her daughter get into a more general line. or decide now itself what she wants to do. pushing her into a subject where she is not happy is a bad idea. i have a feeling the daughter is weak in maths, but then maths is not everything.i am bad at it, i mean i suck!
anyway, i guess my dad was different, he never associated his pride with my success. why should teh child's failure be such a burden end of the day she is his daughter and whatever she does should make him proud. i really feel he is being hard on himself and harsh on her by caring what other peole think of her reault.
may be i am from a family that believs in different things. but these are the times i feel blessed to have been born in this family.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
FROM THE HR TRAINEE"S DESK
today finally i think i will do a bit of value addition to the company finally i have been asked to help with the HRIS. but the sad part is my buddy here is very busy with his boss which is just so sad.
anyway, one more thing, have u ever seen a man hold a mobile in both his hand in front of his face and speak. he has never learnt diplomacy and he flaunts it too. i wonder how such uncivil behavior is tolerated but then one feels sorry for such people they have their own personal problems and also professional problem.
i just wish i could talk to this man and ask him why he screams so much. and why he says he is not a diplomat and then abuses people uses bad language and then gives a i dare you atittude. and then makes silly spologies too.
sad!
i do find all this rather confusing and disheartening. perhaps i fear someday i might come under the wrath of such a man or worse turn into one who is scorned. i wonder whether his subordinates respect him.
i am doing an employee satisfaction survey for this company i think this man will get a 0 in his relation with his subordinates.
i am probably overreacting!
he just said he will not think about anybody anymore, thank god, i just wish he has more realizations like these, like i will not shout anymore.
jokes apart his shouting drives me nuts i hate people shouting. i just hate it.
anyway, one more thing, have u ever seen a man hold a mobile in both his hand in front of his face and speak. he has never learnt diplomacy and he flaunts it too. i wonder how such uncivil behavior is tolerated but then one feels sorry for such people they have their own personal problems and also professional problem.
i just wish i could talk to this man and ask him why he screams so much. and why he says he is not a diplomat and then abuses people uses bad language and then gives a i dare you atittude. and then makes silly spologies too.
sad!
i do find all this rather confusing and disheartening. perhaps i fear someday i might come under the wrath of such a man or worse turn into one who is scorned. i wonder whether his subordinates respect him.
i am doing an employee satisfaction survey for this company i think this man will get a 0 in his relation with his subordinates.
i am probably overreacting!
he just said he will not think about anybody anymore, thank god, i just wish he has more realizations like these, like i will not shout anymore.
jokes apart his shouting drives me nuts i hate people shouting. i just hate it.
From home where HR Trainee is very lonely tonight
6/9/05 12:13:40 AM
I don’t know why but suddenly I feel a longing for the office to continue. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have office. I think I would have gone mad. Not that I am not going mad already with all this employee satisfaction. But then it would be different. Well, there is some pride in going mad for professional reasons. Bad logic, ehh?
Somehow missing out on office cause of the god forsaken fever was an eye opener. At least I had a good time keeping awake and without the luxury of thinking up delightfully melancholy thoughts. Confused? let me explain.
I love mopping about life. My life seems to me the worst and the most miserable. I just got asked a question by a friend on the messenger, “how is your love-life?” he asked, and I replied, “life sucks and well love, I haven’t found it.” What I also would have mentioned unless interrupted my the office environment is that, I don’t seem to be able to believe in love anymore, the very existence of this creature (mythical!) “love” is in severe doubts. All sorts of speculation have been the order of my day as well as night (as you can see!)
So you see how badly I can crib and cry about my life. Ahh! Mein Kamph! Definitely a spelling mistake there. Who cares, Hitler’s no longer alive to correct me.
Sick joke I must say, something really bad has happened to my sense of humor. It’s stinking the place up, I think it’s dead, poisoned like a rat. Yakh!
Well no more “Happy Guy” no more happiness. That’s a tad bit lame. Who cares about such people!?
ME.
There you go I have said it. Happy now? For all the good advice and my realizations which keep piling up every hour and minute I breathe, I am back to square one, or as I would better put it Hole 1.
Although I don’t exactly remember the words used by a fellow Libran I sure as hell agree. Not with you definitely not your friend. Oh my GOD! I could scream my lungs out.
Well how about a bit of Hypothetical imagery…?
I have D in front of me and what will I do? I will abuse him, first verbally, choicest s.o.b’s and B@#$%#d’s and then perhaps a bit of physical abuse. Yap that would make me ?? not happy, but I guess I would cool down.
Ok, now you try saying it out loud, sweetie. I know you can do it. It is the easiest thing in the world. You know how you feel and how bad he has made you feel. So say it, say it now…
I HATE YOU , I SO DAMN DAMN HATE YOU! I CWISH YOU WERE … we’ll leave it at that shall we. No curses, we aren’t a witch, definitely proud to be B@#$h but no sorcery.
Anyway it is late at night, god, knows if I will feel like going to office tomorrow, may come back home after date with Prof in institute and then get bored. Ughh! No way, even if I am dead tired have to go to office. Empty brain they say is the devil’s workshop and me being the singularly self-aware & s elf- proclaiming devil, my empty brain (if ever it can be empty, by god’s grace) shall become the abode of an angel and I might do something I may regret. So let us not take chances, shall we?
We don’t want emotional outbursts and frantic calling to Delhi. That would be the end of whatever little self-respect you have missy!
Well T”C”3 have some guts and show some courage woman. As Ish pointed out this will take a lot of courage and conviction and self-reliance and some more adjectives. But the point being, for all the PMS and hormonal upsurges, I have Ovaries (like as courageous male termed as having the balls) and I have made a deliberate choice and I shall stick to it.
NO COMMUNICATION WITH D.
PS: remember to copy out all the advice from fellow Libran, will come in handy when your knees go week.
I don’t know why but suddenly I feel a longing for the office to continue. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have office. I think I would have gone mad. Not that I am not going mad already with all this employee satisfaction. But then it would be different. Well, there is some pride in going mad for professional reasons. Bad logic, ehh?
Somehow missing out on office cause of the god forsaken fever was an eye opener. At least I had a good time keeping awake and without the luxury of thinking up delightfully melancholy thoughts. Confused? let me explain.
I love mopping about life. My life seems to me the worst and the most miserable. I just got asked a question by a friend on the messenger, “how is your love-life?” he asked, and I replied, “life sucks and well love, I haven’t found it.” What I also would have mentioned unless interrupted my the office environment is that, I don’t seem to be able to believe in love anymore, the very existence of this creature (mythical!) “love” is in severe doubts. All sorts of speculation have been the order of my day as well as night (as you can see!)
So you see how badly I can crib and cry about my life. Ahh! Mein Kamph! Definitely a spelling mistake there. Who cares, Hitler’s no longer alive to correct me.
Sick joke I must say, something really bad has happened to my sense of humor. It’s stinking the place up, I think it’s dead, poisoned like a rat. Yakh!
Well no more “Happy Guy” no more happiness. That’s a tad bit lame. Who cares about such people!?
ME.
There you go I have said it. Happy now? For all the good advice and my realizations which keep piling up every hour and minute I breathe, I am back to square one, or as I would better put it Hole 1.
Although I don’t exactly remember the words used by a fellow Libran I sure as hell agree. Not with you definitely not your friend. Oh my GOD! I could scream my lungs out.
Well how about a bit of Hypothetical imagery…?
I have D in front of me and what will I do? I will abuse him, first verbally, choicest s.o.b’s and B@#$%#d’s and then perhaps a bit of physical abuse. Yap that would make me ?? not happy, but I guess I would cool down.
Ok, now you try saying it out loud, sweetie. I know you can do it. It is the easiest thing in the world. You know how you feel and how bad he has made you feel. So say it, say it now…
I HATE YOU , I SO DAMN DAMN HATE YOU! I CWISH YOU WERE … we’ll leave it at that shall we. No curses, we aren’t a witch, definitely proud to be B@#$h but no sorcery.
Anyway it is late at night, god, knows if I will feel like going to office tomorrow, may come back home after date with Prof in institute and then get bored. Ughh! No way, even if I am dead tired have to go to office. Empty brain they say is the devil’s workshop and me being the singularly self-aware & s elf- proclaiming devil, my empty brain (if ever it can be empty, by god’s grace) shall become the abode of an angel and I might do something I may regret. So let us not take chances, shall we?
We don’t want emotional outbursts and frantic calling to Delhi. That would be the end of whatever little self-respect you have missy!
Well T”C”3 have some guts and show some courage woman. As Ish pointed out this will take a lot of courage and conviction and self-reliance and some more adjectives. But the point being, for all the PMS and hormonal upsurges, I have Ovaries (like as courageous male termed as having the balls) and I have made a deliberate choice and I shall stick to it.
NO COMMUNICATION WITH D.
PS: remember to copy out all the advice from fellow Libran, will come in handy when your knees go week.
From a time when the HR Trainee did not have a PC.
05/17/05
I am wondering whether any of this is really worth. Obviously, it is all futile, I should have brought a book and read it, if not brought along at least a diary. But there is enough paper for me to scribble on as much as I want. Let’s see what would I have done today? I could have met S early or met D even. I must talk to S’s parents. I have to. It is so boring. I can’t even keep my eyes open. But one must save the scarce white spaces to fill with other more pressing thoughts that will crowd my mind.
“Mohabbatein lutaunga…”
Nice but not that nice. How about a poem?
As I stare across the dusted glass
I think of what lies ahead.
A bored death or challenged living?
Then my thoughts fade like ink on blotting,
And I am back to the morose prose!!
The glass ceiling reminds me of the dream apartment, top floor with glass ceiling opening into the beautiful night sky full of stars. I would love to share this place with someone special, how about Abhishek or may be D, well why leave out Rahul for that matter.
What the hell are these people doing, cutting up the paper before anyone can read it? How exceedingly irritating!
I am wondering whether any of this is really worth. Obviously, it is all futile, I should have brought a book and read it, if not brought along at least a diary. But there is enough paper for me to scribble on as much as I want. Let’s see what would I have done today? I could have met S early or met D even. I must talk to S’s parents. I have to. It is so boring. I can’t even keep my eyes open. But one must save the scarce white spaces to fill with other more pressing thoughts that will crowd my mind.
“Mohabbatein lutaunga…”
Nice but not that nice. How about a poem?
As I stare across the dusted glass
I think of what lies ahead.
A bored death or challenged living?
Then my thoughts fade like ink on blotting,
And I am back to the morose prose!!
The glass ceiling reminds me of the dream apartment, top floor with glass ceiling opening into the beautiful night sky full of stars. I would love to share this place with someone special, how about Abhishek or may be D, well why leave out Rahul for that matter.
What the hell are these people doing, cutting up the paper before anyone can read it? How exceedingly irritating!
a beautiful thot from someone special
just like tears r not tears, they r bals of salt dipped in water
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
from the HR Trainee's Desk (once more)
08/06/2005 12:40 PM
Back after a long gap. Have been sick and down with summer fever. Also went for an eye check up bad news, I think I will be blind as a bat in a couple of years. Joking but really my eyes are getting worse, can’t help it, says the doc, heredity!!
Managed to go the bank for my 2nd draft installment of education loan. What a headache, I swear.
Sometimes I do wonder whether such efforts are unnecessary. Why did I take a loan? Guess it is my futile attempt at being independent. Wonder whether I get the trait.
Yesterday was nice, the funny kiddish named guy riju; well he spells it reejou, which is different, turns out to be a Libra. See, how I wonder I find such people?
Well, nice guy gave me loads nice pep talk without realizing obviously. D has been horrible and I have decided not to communicate with him anymore. Ish was of great help, yesterday had a heart to heart chat, which is so stress relieving.
I am truly blessed in the matter of meeting such wonderful people. Would I have imagined that I would have a neighbor like Ish or a “fellow Libran” like reejou. Well has started a blog here, and well read mine and left a couple of comments quite nice. I guess you guys could check his blog.
He is quite the spontaneous writer and very creative I must say.
http://reejou.blogspot.com
I guess I have too many things to talk about. I happened to meet some bloke on the yahoo messenger, funny man, but sad as usual, I wonder whether we overrate our sadness? There are so many others so much more sad and miserable.
I had gone for a movie with Ish recently and on our way back we were buying some clasps for our hair, and she mentioned once when she was trying on one of them she broke it. I said that I too broke them very easily mostly by carelessly dropping them on the ground. I said, nothing ever lasts in my hands, and then I continued by adding, nothing ever lasts in my life, neither clasps nor boy friends. We had a good laugh on this.
So life has been ok. I guess last couple of days have been good even nice. Met Mr. Reejou, who is friendly and a Libran. Apart from that there is also the solution to Mr. D’s problem. So overall good work.
Mr. S is sick, and no he is not dying just down with fever. Best of luck to him for this exams.
My old pals from University are having exams too and that is rather sad. But I feel I am getting closer to Kari, she appreciated my calling her to wish her. Well, guess life is happy if you chose to be.
Now I am typing this and chatting with Reejou… well at last I am not bored, there are worst places and situations to be in. yesterday after the initial banter I was named T3 as in Thursday the 13th. And today as “Contradiction” is my middle name, I am re christened T”C”3. What fun!
Back after a long gap. Have been sick and down with summer fever. Also went for an eye check up bad news, I think I will be blind as a bat in a couple of years. Joking but really my eyes are getting worse, can’t help it, says the doc, heredity!!
Managed to go the bank for my 2nd draft installment of education loan. What a headache, I swear.
Sometimes I do wonder whether such efforts are unnecessary. Why did I take a loan? Guess it is my futile attempt at being independent. Wonder whether I get the trait.
Yesterday was nice, the funny kiddish named guy riju; well he spells it reejou, which is different, turns out to be a Libra. See, how I wonder I find such people?
Well, nice guy gave me loads nice pep talk without realizing obviously. D has been horrible and I have decided not to communicate with him anymore. Ish was of great help, yesterday had a heart to heart chat, which is so stress relieving.
I am truly blessed in the matter of meeting such wonderful people. Would I have imagined that I would have a neighbor like Ish or a “fellow Libran” like reejou. Well has started a blog here, and well read mine and left a couple of comments quite nice. I guess you guys could check his blog.
He is quite the spontaneous writer and very creative I must say.
http://reejou.blogspot.com
I guess I have too many things to talk about. I happened to meet some bloke on the yahoo messenger, funny man, but sad as usual, I wonder whether we overrate our sadness? There are so many others so much more sad and miserable.
I had gone for a movie with Ish recently and on our way back we were buying some clasps for our hair, and she mentioned once when she was trying on one of them she broke it. I said that I too broke them very easily mostly by carelessly dropping them on the ground. I said, nothing ever lasts in my hands, and then I continued by adding, nothing ever lasts in my life, neither clasps nor boy friends. We had a good laugh on this.
So life has been ok. I guess last couple of days have been good even nice. Met Mr. Reejou, who is friendly and a Libran. Apart from that there is also the solution to Mr. D’s problem. So overall good work.
Mr. S is sick, and no he is not dying just down with fever. Best of luck to him for this exams.
My old pals from University are having exams too and that is rather sad. But I feel I am getting closer to Kari, she appreciated my calling her to wish her. Well, guess life is happy if you chose to be.
Now I am typing this and chatting with Reejou… well at last I am not bored, there are worst places and situations to be in. yesterday after the initial banter I was named T3 as in Thursday the 13th. And today as “Contradiction” is my middle name, I am re christened T”C”3. What fun!
A Post Long Due....... Comfortably Numb
Hi,
There is a song by Pink Floyd thought of sharing it wid u.
Comfortably Numb
Pink Floyd
Hello?
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?
Come on, now.
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts,
Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
Ok.
Just a little pinprick.
There'll be no more ...Aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working. Good.
That'll keep you going for the show.
Come on it's time to go.
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.
When u r numb it is great u dnt actually feel the pain. Dnt wrry I am fine, nthin hs hppnd to me. Just Found the phrase gr8 so thought shud share wid you.
Take care
D.
30.03.05
i read ur mail yesterday....
And he has become comfortably numb
now, my voice just breaks before it reaches the shore.
Every ripple that i create fails to reach his heart,
The breakers of distance have taken my voice far away.
I knwo there isn't much to say,
Yet i know, there is so much i need to say.
As i look beyond, towards the setting sun,
His face darkens and i lose sight of him.
May be i should focus on something else,
Till his memories are dimmed.
Yet i know, i cannot ever let him go,
Cause he is a part of me.
Cause he is someone special to me.
To let him go i'd have to know
That i hate him so much, to let him go
I know, i do, i don't hate you.
I wish i could somehow say this,
corny, Crappy and perhaps a little bored,
I miss you so much, i really do,
i know you know that too.
But it's just so, that you have become
Comfortably Numb (to me).
Reflections in idleness:
Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd
How I wish I could become comfortably numb! Yet I cannot help but feel that the only way to become numb to any feelings would be to either go into 'comatose', (coma to naïve readers) and vegetate or simply be dead. Neither of the options seems very exciting. After all being a vegetable is out of the question, they would never accept me, I mean the vegetables that is. But I have been quite a friend to them; after all I do so hate eating them, which logically means I love them so much that I just cannot harm them. So, I 'd get all the votes for my induction, may be except the potatoes, they do not like me, and so I love them, oops! No, hate them so I eat them. So I have no objections of being termed a 'veggie' but what about death?
Dead- ehh? Well I am not one to be buried so no tombstone for me, thank God! Other wise I'd be worried to death (!!) about the inscription to be put on the block of weight on my burial plot. Oh! How can I forget the 6 feet of ground, very essential and, what with so little ground space left on Earth. What a disaster! I guess we are reaching that future time when we will give burials to dear- dead, oops! I mean 'departed' in some other comfortably chilled or heated planet or may be a comet even. Jokes apart, burial plot or tombstone, or both are not my headache. I will be burned to Heaven, or Hell, whichever. Burnt is bad, more like incinerated and ashes sprinkled, nah!! I'd want them to keep me in a nice jar. But that would be little difficult to pull off.
So, can't die, can't vegetate! Tough life! Surely if I do not worry about the after death worries- I'd be cool, I mean cold, when you are dead you turn cold (dah! You know that.) So, now that I have decided upon death unto me, let's see what are the ways one can die.
But that I will do after I have finished roasting my brains over IMF, UNCTAD, and may be with a sprinkling of Government taxation and oh! a dash of Budget Deficit. Ahh! Yummy! Will just be back with Priyanka's brain- a la carte`- Hannibal style.
'Bheja fry' that's the term in Indian cuisine, anyway, the point is my brain is on an overdrive, I cannot let it marinate. So Economics will have to wait till I finish this.
On the thought of Hannibal, I was just wondering, how about I put my death wish on the Spider's web, oops, wrong term I meant the triple 'W'. And then sympathetic yet, loopy serial killer can help. And no, sir/madam, please do not eat me, I have no intentions of joining you for dinner. So that's out. Let's see what's left- on the Bheja fry issue, I was electrocuting is good- nice even! Except for the 'jhatka' - "zor ka jhatka zor se hi lagta hai". Unfortunate! - may be I'll get a new spiky hairdo in that attempt. But that's quite a worthless effort when one has "Center Shock" to do the job. Those were two very good ideas down the "Hutch"- no I mean hatch- tad bit difficult to keep track with so many ads barging my brain. Ahh ! my brain ! my brain cannot be killed it seems. Even if I vegetate I'd still have a live brain. Sad!!
So now too more ordinary even mundane means. These days people have really lost, well forgotten the art of death. I mean after all, who jumps in front of a Metro? Good question, I'd say very technologically aware and people on the "Fast Track", watches by Titan- oops - sorry ad disturbance. Anyways, so where were we? Ahh in a Metro station waiting to jump. You know half the people die on the tracks because of the live third rail and not by going under the carriages to be turned into 'keema'. So we have a problem , we want 'keema' and we get only roasted humans . Sad! The Government ought to do something about this.
Now to jump off the damn platform, sorry I was never good at sports. I think it is easier to get killed on the escalator than take the plunge into the rails- or should I say onto the rails. " In this fast paced world who has the time to sulk or brood, feel like dieing- take the fastest transport to heaven or hell which ever you prefer - "Metro" ,the solution to all your problems. "Help us, kill you". Too good! Bravo!! A perfect solution for our cash starved railways - " daily special trains for taking your life away". "Would you like a Metro ticket or an express ticket, madam?" None. Thank you.
Metro is out, guess what's in? Campos. Yippy! Wrong spelling?? Sorry! I am a little tired. Anyway, so where is the strip of tablets, darn! I had kept it safely hidden away but so safely that I myself cannot find it. But that was two years ago, I bet it's expired by now. But I wonder, expired medication can be a killer or just a couple of white tablets. I mean the damn things will lose their capacity to put me to sleep. I wonder why I am feeling so tired?!
My ex-boyfriend tried Campos, he took a couple of strips, but look he is alive and kicking. But I guess he has always been a loser must have got the medication wrong and spent some hours in the bathroom. I am so darn inspired! I mean the Campos not the loo. But no use asking the s.o.b where he bought the medicine from- he will understand what I am up to and well after the usual emotional turmoil I will change my mind.
May be I should hang myself - bad idea, the fan might not be able to stand my weight, no better I am sure to sink like a log if I jumped into water or may be I'd float, I have got so much air in me. That's it, I can't die. How absolutely miserable!
Changed my mind, yes, oh yes, I can do that, I am good at that, I am so damn indecisive and changeable, I can change my mind. No, no, no brain transplant required but just change my mind, hey how about I do that.
Of course, I have a feeling it's too late, cause I am really feeling very sleepy, I guess the Campos still retains its substance. So, bye bye world, I will see you in next life, what can go wrong now? Nothing, except I may wake up in a hospital! Darn that will be bad!
This is entirely your fault Pink Floyd, it was your idea to be "comfortably numb" and you did not write how- that's so unfair. I do not profess to understand but a pin prick, nah! I have too sensitive a skin and I'd be all, ouch!! Nuts or what? So since you have given people the brilliant idea that when you are numb you don't feel any pain, you ought to have told them how to become numb- physically, mentally, emotionally. Hats off to those who have learnt it - and sad plight to those (who haven't learnt) that love them and care for them. You have a convert on your side Floyd dear, but I am miserable and have a death wish. But how does that matter to you convert, he is comfortably numb.
Great! Three cheers for Numbness! Hip Hip …..
There is a song by Pink Floyd thought of sharing it wid u.
Comfortably Numb
Pink Floyd
Hello?
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?
Come on, now.
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts,
Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
Ok.
Just a little pinprick.
There'll be no more ...Aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working. Good.
That'll keep you going for the show.
Come on it's time to go.
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.
When u r numb it is great u dnt actually feel the pain. Dnt wrry I am fine, nthin hs hppnd to me. Just Found the phrase gr8 so thought shud share wid you.
Take care
D.
30.03.05
i read ur mail yesterday....
And he has become comfortably numb
now, my voice just breaks before it reaches the shore.
Every ripple that i create fails to reach his heart,
The breakers of distance have taken my voice far away.
I knwo there isn't much to say,
Yet i know, there is so much i need to say.
As i look beyond, towards the setting sun,
His face darkens and i lose sight of him.
May be i should focus on something else,
Till his memories are dimmed.
Yet i know, i cannot ever let him go,
Cause he is a part of me.
Cause he is someone special to me.
To let him go i'd have to know
That i hate him so much, to let him go
I know, i do, i don't hate you.
I wish i could somehow say this,
corny, Crappy and perhaps a little bored,
I miss you so much, i really do,
i know you know that too.
But it's just so, that you have become
Comfortably Numb (to me).
Reflections in idleness:
Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd
How I wish I could become comfortably numb! Yet I cannot help but feel that the only way to become numb to any feelings would be to either go into 'comatose', (coma to naïve readers) and vegetate or simply be dead. Neither of the options seems very exciting. After all being a vegetable is out of the question, they would never accept me, I mean the vegetables that is. But I have been quite a friend to them; after all I do so hate eating them, which logically means I love them so much that I just cannot harm them. So, I 'd get all the votes for my induction, may be except the potatoes, they do not like me, and so I love them, oops! No, hate them so I eat them. So I have no objections of being termed a 'veggie' but what about death?
Dead- ehh? Well I am not one to be buried so no tombstone for me, thank God! Other wise I'd be worried to death (!!) about the inscription to be put on the block of weight on my burial plot. Oh! How can I forget the 6 feet of ground, very essential and, what with so little ground space left on Earth. What a disaster! I guess we are reaching that future time when we will give burials to dear- dead, oops! I mean 'departed' in some other comfortably chilled or heated planet or may be a comet even. Jokes apart, burial plot or tombstone, or both are not my headache. I will be burned to Heaven, or Hell, whichever. Burnt is bad, more like incinerated and ashes sprinkled, nah!! I'd want them to keep me in a nice jar. But that would be little difficult to pull off.
So, can't die, can't vegetate! Tough life! Surely if I do not worry about the after death worries- I'd be cool, I mean cold, when you are dead you turn cold (dah! You know that.) So, now that I have decided upon death unto me, let's see what are the ways one can die.
But that I will do after I have finished roasting my brains over IMF, UNCTAD, and may be with a sprinkling of Government taxation and oh! a dash of Budget Deficit. Ahh! Yummy! Will just be back with Priyanka's brain- a la carte`- Hannibal style.
'Bheja fry' that's the term in Indian cuisine, anyway, the point is my brain is on an overdrive, I cannot let it marinate. So Economics will have to wait till I finish this.
On the thought of Hannibal, I was just wondering, how about I put my death wish on the Spider's web, oops, wrong term I meant the triple 'W'. And then sympathetic yet, loopy serial killer can help. And no, sir/madam, please do not eat me, I have no intentions of joining you for dinner. So that's out. Let's see what's left- on the Bheja fry issue, I was electrocuting is good- nice even! Except for the 'jhatka' - "zor ka jhatka zor se hi lagta hai". Unfortunate! - may be I'll get a new spiky hairdo in that attempt. But that's quite a worthless effort when one has "Center Shock" to do the job. Those were two very good ideas down the "Hutch"- no I mean hatch- tad bit difficult to keep track with so many ads barging my brain. Ahh ! my brain ! my brain cannot be killed it seems. Even if I vegetate I'd still have a live brain. Sad!!
So now too more ordinary even mundane means. These days people have really lost, well forgotten the art of death. I mean after all, who jumps in front of a Metro? Good question, I'd say very technologically aware and people on the "Fast Track", watches by Titan- oops - sorry ad disturbance. Anyways, so where were we? Ahh in a Metro station waiting to jump. You know half the people die on the tracks because of the live third rail and not by going under the carriages to be turned into 'keema'. So we have a problem , we want 'keema' and we get only roasted humans . Sad! The Government ought to do something about this.
Now to jump off the damn platform, sorry I was never good at sports. I think it is easier to get killed on the escalator than take the plunge into the rails- or should I say onto the rails. " In this fast paced world who has the time to sulk or brood, feel like dieing- take the fastest transport to heaven or hell which ever you prefer - "Metro" ,the solution to all your problems. "Help us, kill you". Too good! Bravo!! A perfect solution for our cash starved railways - " daily special trains for taking your life away". "Would you like a Metro ticket or an express ticket, madam?" None. Thank you.
Metro is out, guess what's in? Campos. Yippy! Wrong spelling?? Sorry! I am a little tired. Anyway, so where is the strip of tablets, darn! I had kept it safely hidden away but so safely that I myself cannot find it. But that was two years ago, I bet it's expired by now. But I wonder, expired medication can be a killer or just a couple of white tablets. I mean the damn things will lose their capacity to put me to sleep. I wonder why I am feeling so tired?!
My ex-boyfriend tried Campos, he took a couple of strips, but look he is alive and kicking. But I guess he has always been a loser must have got the medication wrong and spent some hours in the bathroom. I am so darn inspired! I mean the Campos not the loo. But no use asking the s.o.b where he bought the medicine from- he will understand what I am up to and well after the usual emotional turmoil I will change my mind.
May be I should hang myself - bad idea, the fan might not be able to stand my weight, no better I am sure to sink like a log if I jumped into water or may be I'd float, I have got so much air in me. That's it, I can't die. How absolutely miserable!
Changed my mind, yes, oh yes, I can do that, I am good at that, I am so damn indecisive and changeable, I can change my mind. No, no, no brain transplant required but just change my mind, hey how about I do that.
Of course, I have a feeling it's too late, cause I am really feeling very sleepy, I guess the Campos still retains its substance. So, bye bye world, I will see you in next life, what can go wrong now? Nothing, except I may wake up in a hospital! Darn that will be bad!
This is entirely your fault Pink Floyd, it was your idea to be "comfortably numb" and you did not write how- that's so unfair. I do not profess to understand but a pin prick, nah! I have too sensitive a skin and I'd be all, ouch!! Nuts or what? So since you have given people the brilliant idea that when you are numb you don't feel any pain, you ought to have told them how to become numb- physically, mentally, emotionally. Hats off to those who have learnt it - and sad plight to those (who haven't learnt) that love them and care for them. You have a convert on your side Floyd dear, but I am miserable and have a death wish. But how does that matter to you convert, he is comfortably numb.
Great! Three cheers for Numbness! Hip Hip …..
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
a mail, unsent!
dear D,
i imagine the night you are talking about, is the night when you spoke to me after having been in kolkata for a month, and not informing me, and obviously, taking a one way decision about our relationship, and not talking to me for over a month.
although your behavior is nothign new for me now, afetr knowing you for almost two years.
i belive you are the sort of person who hates being reminded of teh past. you have yourself used "past is past" as an excuse a number of times.
since we are reminded of the past, things that have hurt us. let em remind you of something.
you had your own problems with your frind, and you took it out on me when we went to watch harry potter. for what? for refusing to give you advice on whether you should but a watch. you do see that this is teh most ridiculous thing to be angry or upset about. yet, you nehaved with me in the most atrocious manner, in a way that shocked me to my very bones.
i cannot imagine on what level i felt it ws my fault. yet, i did take the blame for something tht i didn't do. why? because i felt this ws a much smaller thing in comparison to our friendship. pardon me! for trying to be your friend.
at the end of this you asked me to forget everything and go back to out friendship. i did. the second time was in another couple of weeks, just because i told you not to speak loudly ont he ph inside the movie theatre. and then you left for delhi without informing me. but this time you did it on purpose, and sorry your reason is unsatisfactory, you did what you did to hurt me. and that is somthing i nevr imagined you of being capable. how worng we r abt pple!
after the troy episode u told me on the msger that we ought to be friends again. i am damn sure u do not need any fridns, but well i end up having to be ur friend every time, ever since,a long time.
jan this yr u gto angry again coz i said i cud nt talk to u all the time. y u get angry remains a mystery to me always.
then u hd ur apparent guilt which prevented u frm being my frnd anymore. and now-
i really don't get it, i really am unable to understand wht hppns. u keep getting angry with me and i nvr knw why and i keep apologising for no fault of mine.
nw let me come tot he vry night tht has upset u now, u can obviously tke offence at anything, and i can't. at least i explain my reasons for being upset u dont even bother.
if it makes u feel better, when i denied having any sleeping pills, it was only to stop u frm feeling guilty.
and D honestly, i hve never blackmailed u. it is u who feel guilty, i have nothing to do with tht. may be u shud gve this a thot--- why do u feel guilty? may be bcoz there is smething to be guilty abt. no one cn make anothr guilty. and i think u knw tht very well.
as far as blackmailing is concerned,let me remind u i did not want to meet u u kept insisting tht i shud.
if it is so hard for u to see things simply, let me make it simpler.
i hv nothing to say anymore abt anything.although i began this as another of my explainations i do not think i want to give any furtehr explainations to anyone anymore. i am what i am. what you see is what you get. i am tired of explaining everything i ever do.
u may think whtevr u wish, my only regret is the one person i tuly felt a frindship with, the only person for whom i changd myself so much, the only person who has hurt me so much yet whom i have forgiven everytime, the only guy who i thought ws at least honest with me, has today hurt me so much that i cannot breath, i cannot think, i cannot feel anything anymore.
i belived u cud nt inform me coz u hd toleave in a hurry may be coz u were pressed for time, may be u jus forgot, but u r angry wid me for somethign i didn't do, for smething that happened bcoz of u, bcoz u hurt me, u knw i think i should have jus died. i dont knw why i didnt aftr hearing ur escapades in delhi. then atleast u wud have a reason to feel very gulity abt.
all the things i have done
all the tears i have cried
all the pain i have felt
all the anger i have forgotten was to see our fridnship survive.
obviously that frindship dsnt mean teh same thing to us both.
i think u are cruel. when i was madly in luv wid u, u kept on atlking abt being frnds, and nw that it hs sme meaning for me, it has bcme unimp to u.
although, u feel disturbed havin been blackmailed, i am no stranger tot his feeling. everytime i hve tried to move away frm u, distance myself frm u, u hve stopped me wid ur glib words. hw it hurts u to hear me say that iw ill leave u that i will forget u. or he u r upset that i hvent considered u for a movie outing. these might hve been part of ur daily routine of niceness with pple. but these words have menat smething to me.
it meant the eorld to me. but obviously, it is but my mistake. i knew you wud hurt me but i nvr knew so much and so many times.
everytime i hve felt angry with u, i have thot of smething nice abt u and forgotten the anger. but u, hve cntd to hurt me. it is only bcoz of ur frnd tht i still remained ur 'frnd' aftr u told me abt ur gf.
i didn't want u to feel tht u hd made a bad investment in frndship.i cntd to be ur frnd even if it hurt me or ruined my life.
it uwd hve been the easiest thing to hv stopped being ur frnd tht vry day when u offerd to leave. but i didnt eevn though what u hd done ws a dagger thru my heart. but i looked at ur face and the only thing i saw ws the smiling face of a frnd, who i knew wud stand by me in watevr life broght wid it.
but i guess i was day dreaming as always.
i am sorry for making u feel guilty.
i am sorry for making u upset and disturbed.
i am sorry for making u feel blackmailed.
i am sorry for making u feel used.
and the thing i am most sorry for is trying to be ur frnd.
i can obviously nvr be a frnd to u.
i just don't qualify.
sorry to have wasted ur time.
what life hs in store? i dont knw.
what time has in store? i dont knw.
what God has in store? i dont knw.
i knw that God has seen everything and heard everything.
he will do what is the best for me, i have faith in him.
but in this mail let me do something(as ur frnd) tht will make things simpler for u.
D, from today u r free frm all obligations of frndship with / towards me.
our relationship has always been what u have wanted it to be, by removing the obligations of emotions i free u, to do as u please without the associated guilt, remorse, sadness, fear or anything that u may have felt of hurting me.
************************
i imagine the night you are talking about, is the night when you spoke to me after having been in kolkata for a month, and not informing me, and obviously, taking a one way decision about our relationship, and not talking to me for over a month.
although your behavior is nothign new for me now, afetr knowing you for almost two years.
i belive you are the sort of person who hates being reminded of teh past. you have yourself used "past is past" as an excuse a number of times.
since we are reminded of the past, things that have hurt us. let em remind you of something.
you had your own problems with your frind, and you took it out on me when we went to watch harry potter. for what? for refusing to give you advice on whether you should but a watch. you do see that this is teh most ridiculous thing to be angry or upset about. yet, you nehaved with me in the most atrocious manner, in a way that shocked me to my very bones.
i cannot imagine on what level i felt it ws my fault. yet, i did take the blame for something tht i didn't do. why? because i felt this ws a much smaller thing in comparison to our friendship. pardon me! for trying to be your friend.
at the end of this you asked me to forget everything and go back to out friendship. i did. the second time was in another couple of weeks, just because i told you not to speak loudly ont he ph inside the movie theatre. and then you left for delhi without informing me. but this time you did it on purpose, and sorry your reason is unsatisfactory, you did what you did to hurt me. and that is somthing i nevr imagined you of being capable. how worng we r abt pple!
after the troy episode u told me on the msger that we ought to be friends again. i am damn sure u do not need any fridns, but well i end up having to be ur friend every time, ever since,a long time.
jan this yr u gto angry again coz i said i cud nt talk to u all the time. y u get angry remains a mystery to me always.
then u hd ur apparent guilt which prevented u frm being my frnd anymore. and now-
i really don't get it, i really am unable to understand wht hppns. u keep getting angry with me and i nvr knw why and i keep apologising for no fault of mine.
nw let me come tot he vry night tht has upset u now, u can obviously tke offence at anything, and i can't. at least i explain my reasons for being upset u dont even bother.
if it makes u feel better, when i denied having any sleeping pills, it was only to stop u frm feeling guilty.
and D honestly, i hve never blackmailed u. it is u who feel guilty, i have nothing to do with tht. may be u shud gve this a thot--- why do u feel guilty? may be bcoz there is smething to be guilty abt. no one cn make anothr guilty. and i think u knw tht very well.
as far as blackmailing is concerned,let me remind u i did not want to meet u u kept insisting tht i shud.
if it is so hard for u to see things simply, let me make it simpler.
i hv nothing to say anymore abt anything.although i began this as another of my explainations i do not think i want to give any furtehr explainations to anyone anymore. i am what i am. what you see is what you get. i am tired of explaining everything i ever do.
u may think whtevr u wish, my only regret is the one person i tuly felt a frindship with, the only person for whom i changd myself so much, the only person who has hurt me so much yet whom i have forgiven everytime, the only guy who i thought ws at least honest with me, has today hurt me so much that i cannot breath, i cannot think, i cannot feel anything anymore.
i belived u cud nt inform me coz u hd toleave in a hurry may be coz u were pressed for time, may be u jus forgot, but u r angry wid me for somethign i didn't do, for smething that happened bcoz of u, bcoz u hurt me, u knw i think i should have jus died. i dont knw why i didnt aftr hearing ur escapades in delhi. then atleast u wud have a reason to feel very gulity abt.
all the things i have done
all the tears i have cried
all the pain i have felt
all the anger i have forgotten was to see our fridnship survive.
obviously that frindship dsnt mean teh same thing to us both.
i think u are cruel. when i was madly in luv wid u, u kept on atlking abt being frnds, and nw that it hs sme meaning for me, it has bcme unimp to u.
although, u feel disturbed havin been blackmailed, i am no stranger tot his feeling. everytime i hve tried to move away frm u, distance myself frm u, u hve stopped me wid ur glib words. hw it hurts u to hear me say that iw ill leave u that i will forget u. or he u r upset that i hvent considered u for a movie outing. these might hve been part of ur daily routine of niceness with pple. but these words have menat smething to me.
it meant the eorld to me. but obviously, it is but my mistake. i knew you wud hurt me but i nvr knew so much and so many times.
everytime i hve felt angry with u, i have thot of smething nice abt u and forgotten the anger. but u, hve cntd to hurt me. it is only bcoz of ur frnd tht i still remained ur 'frnd' aftr u told me abt ur gf.
i didn't want u to feel tht u hd made a bad investment in frndship.i cntd to be ur frnd even if it hurt me or ruined my life.
it uwd hve been the easiest thing to hv stopped being ur frnd tht vry day when u offerd to leave. but i didnt eevn though what u hd done ws a dagger thru my heart. but i looked at ur face and the only thing i saw ws the smiling face of a frnd, who i knew wud stand by me in watevr life broght wid it.
but i guess i was day dreaming as always.
i am sorry for making u feel guilty.
i am sorry for making u upset and disturbed.
i am sorry for making u feel blackmailed.
i am sorry for making u feel used.
and the thing i am most sorry for is trying to be ur frnd.
i can obviously nvr be a frnd to u.
i just don't qualify.
sorry to have wasted ur time.
what life hs in store? i dont knw.
what time has in store? i dont knw.
what God has in store? i dont knw.
i knw that God has seen everything and heard everything.
he will do what is the best for me, i have faith in him.
but in this mail let me do something(as ur frnd) tht will make things simpler for u.
D, from today u r free frm all obligations of frndship with / towards me.
our relationship has always been what u have wanted it to be, by removing the obligations of emotions i free u, to do as u please without the associated guilt, remorse, sadness, fear or anything that u may have felt of hurting me.
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