7:29 PM 8/27/05

I have been very bad, very lazy, and haven't bothered to check mails nor have i updated my blog. Such carelessness has no real excuse.Met Rick very recently, he is a bit upset coz i haven't attended a cultural program where he performed. Oh! before i forget i have been down with a bit of fever, and a lot of pain in my right knee. I am assuming it was coz of the extra fervour on the dance floor on the Fresher's dance. Anyway, apart from that i am very much involved in certain activities i have been ignoring for a really long time, i am hoping that things will go well.there may be jouney in the month of Oct, so let's see what comes out of it.I am thinking of going to South but the people involved aren't that great company but the one's up north are cool, more importantly, i feel south has many friend's but north more prospect!Let's see what comes out.I hope by tmrw this will go online!

8:32 AM 8/16/05

here's saying goodbye to the conceited fool. on 12 th of this month i ended all, severed all relations with this man. this is over. although it doesn't hurt any less now i know with time this too shall pass. and i also know this is not the end. there is a lot more to find, a lot more to discover.when sometimes we think we have reached the very end of the road and there is nowhere to go after this, we have only to keep walking towards that assumed end, and we will find that the road does stretch on, it was only a bend in the road that we had mistaken for the very end.three cheers to optimism, and silver linings in dark clouds!!!

9:39 PM 8/9/05

so today i write to myself and when i am done what i am to achieve is something i am unsure about but right at this point of time there is noone to talk to except you .

dear myself,
where do i begin this letter from? there is so much to tell you yet i am at a loss of words. today i know you are feeling lonely, and a depression brings your spirits down, but do not worry tomorrow is a new day and you will have things to be cheerful about.it is true you know, calling someone up in order to fill up the gaps in time with anything, even mindless banter is quite futile. you can run as hard as you may but you cannot hide, lonliness will grip your heart.i know you are feeling hurt because you find yourself all alone, but honey, don't you see that it is perhaps a lot better than sulking over some stupid , unworthy man, yet you yearn after the same forbidden fruit.will you never learn?in what hope was that call made, dear, where you really hoping that he would understand. even make an attempt to cheer you up. there is nothing in this world he cares about or the harsher truth he doesn't care about you, never has and never will and that is the sad yet true fact.please stop hurting yourself, show some courage and face your fears. breaking down like this will not get you anywhere, honestly sometimes your behavior borders on desperation. why do you feel this terrible need to talk to him?his silly banter about things you hardly care about is boring, and borders on heart wrenching when you are so busy day dreaming his words and actions for him. unfortunately life does not follow your day dream script and hence the dissapointments.in your dream he always calls back to ask what is worng with you, but in real life it doesn't work that way.so stop calling him, and stop being a fool and so damn weak!take care of yourself, and don't shed those tears. ( they are too precious to be wasted on that conceited bastard!!)
love you ..
XXX

9:29 AM 8/9/05

Scrips!

" was there ever in anyone's life span a point free in time, devoid of memory, a night when choice was anymore than the sum of all the choices made before."

and so i read in the news paper of the day a qoute that sparked my thoughts, and yet i type things meaningless, yet i am supposed to creative, and what creativity do i talk about , i have no clue as they say, since as far back i can remember i have been trying to think what i may have achieved if i had been a lil less laxy, that is however not the real question on my mind. the prodigal shall soon return to his own shelter, and i shall still remain imprisoned in my bower, why oh why can't i spread my wings and fly away from this cozy yet thorny prison. my mind awakes to a thousand memories of dreams dead and forgotten, of poems chiselled on the soul yearning to be set free, with short breathes and bursting into a run to reach the end of this walled garden, alas! i reach the very end, i see the very wall that holds me enfolded in its recceses, yet i do not see the exit, the sign is missing and so has the door closed, the portal to freedom has closed so many years ago that i cannot even hope to remember it open.
angels are amongst us. some hidden away from plain sight others burning bright in their own glory. yet when i search for one, i seem not to find them anywhere. the halo around their forheads are not always visible to the eyes, and hence sometimes i miss them, and it is only later that i come to realize that i have been in the presense of one (an angel) only when they have left.
thank you, Angels, for sprinkiling the light to lighten up my days.
i am perhaps simply losing my mind, if there was any to begin with, but hell! who cares, anyway!

10:17 PM 8/8/05

Today was a brand new start to a new session in Instt, which means we have our good old classroom back and the time table looks good not too inviting though.i have some classes, really speced out. i have only two days of full classes which is great.another good thing today was meeting the Junies, our very own legacy, ehh! nice people, and well, i had a good time chatting with them. my new baby HR co-ordinator, is extremely cute, with a black shirt and jeans he looked quite good, only if he was a lil taller and well i am not going to guess his age.as Ish says -5 to + infinity works for her, well, i am a tad bit unsure about the math.no further news of fellow libran, wonder what he is upto, and as far as D, he is as always immersed in family drama, the oaf!he had smething to discuss wid me today, what i have no clue about, and obviously i am not waiting for him to ring me, the old man must have forgotten it by now.what else can i update!umm, our junis are getting laptops which is only bugging me as i can see so much of promise in live updates to blogs, but hey, 'tis ok, i shall not be enmeshed in such mundane things.here's to poetic justice!for whom?me , ofcourse!
FYI: miss mr. Rick, man, he can make people laugh, wish there were more people like him.sigh!

5:15 PM 8/7/05

Hey, people, here is a qoute from an old fellow blogger, was going through his older posts at leisure, i was struck by an idea on this friendship day, a way to remember long lost friends.

"Become an obsever in your own life and life will cause you much less pain that way."
How true these words ring to me! I cannot imagine how and why these wonderful people have come and touched my life and they have enriched it so much so that I find words falling short to thank them.
Although this blog is more annonymous than others, I donot want to mention any names but yes, on this friendship day I want to remember a few people.

Dear Ari,
today when i read thru sme of ur older blogs there was a feeling of nostalgia and a related guilt at having used u so badly, i am sorry, if u could ever forgive me, i would be very happy, i knw smetimes we end up hurting pple widout knwing, but smehw i knw i shud have treated u better, u deserved a lot better than wat i was wid u, and more so coz u were so much like me and i am srry i never put myself in ur shoes to see and feel the hurt i was causing. i want u to knw, i knw, today because of circumstances i knw hw it is to feel refused and broken hearted. srry friend, i am soo soo srry!Happy Friendship Day!

Dear Rakesh,
tumhein shayad lage ki ye mail aise hi maine likh diya kiu ke mujhe aur kuch kam nahi tha. aaj subah tumhara mesage mila, aur itne friends me se tumhein friendship day yaad raha, ya phir ye bhi keh sakte hai ke mujhe laga ke tumnein jo mujhe yaad kiya ussme mujhe aisa mahsus hua ke shayad tum mujhe apna dost samajhte ho. tumhare sath shayad maine bohot hi bura bartav kiya tha, pata nahi aaj lagta hai, tab mera deemag shayad ghass charne gaya tha, yaa pata nahi, shayad mei hamesha se hi thora disbalanced hu. aaj maine socha shayad tumko sorry kehna thik hoga, bohot kuch aisa hum karte hai jo humein nahi karna chahiye, par kabhi hum galti karte hai. aaj kuch samajh mei aya hai, jo pehle ata to shayad tumari dosti mei khoti nahi.i am srry! ho sake to mujhe maaph karna.Happy Friendship Day!

dear Garfy,
i have been very mean, haven't i? no mails , no messages, i guess i was too imvolved in a lost game, i just wish i had the sense to see how far we have drifted apart, please get in touch wid me, i miss u, thanks so much for remembering me. although i haven't been so good to u.Happy Friendship Day.

Dear Kari,
hey gal, i don't knw why i miss JU so much? smetimes i feel as if it is the frnds that i miss most, then i try and think of one person i miss the most and it always turns out to be u, after all i guess we driftd apart from a point where u were my best friend in JU, and that was a lot my fault i feel. so, on this friendship day i wana say this from the bottom of my heart, i wish Kari we can be friends. it wud mean a lot to me.HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY!Love from the bottom of my Butt, a bigger place than my heart ;-)

Dear ipsita,
u surprised to see my mail in ur inbox? i guess not, but i remembered last year when i had given u a friendship day band, and then i had thot we wud be good frnds, things went wrong and we have moved away from each other, maybe it is a lil too late to say this but still....i am sorry. i hope we can still be friends.Happy Friendship Day!

Dear Dwaipayan,
hi, i am sure ur nt surprised to see a mail from me, but why i am writing this mail has a different reason frm the usual. i am writing a mail to all those pple who i miss a lot, and i wish i could change the way things have happened before but i don't have the powers to.but i can always try and make a lil difference.i wish we cud have been best friends, u wud have been a good best friend.u have been a good friend, thanx.wish u a Happy Friendship Day!

Dear Sam,
like all those other mails, this unfortunately will nt reach u, as i am nt sure whether u chk ur mails nw a days, but i don't knw may be i cn try, a lil bit this time. for i knw last time i didn't try hard enuf.i miss u. 5 years is a long time to have a best friend and i jus dont think i can live widout ur friendship, i may survive which i am doing, but i cannot help but remember the small little things we did and all the difference u made to my life. i wish we were still friends.if u can and want to be friends, i wish u wud call me.i will wait for ur call.u r my only true best friend!Happy Friendship Day!

dearest Popla,
smetimes i have kept a silence that has stretched for months on end, smetimes we haven't seen each othr for ages yet, i knw that when we meet, we are still the same, our friendship grows more and more everyday, thank u for being a wonderful friend!Happy Friendship Day!

dear Ishita,
i guess this wud surprise u, but i am glad i shifted here, if i hadn't i wud have nvr found a friend like u.it may be so that we may nvr have what we want so bad but i have a feeling we will definitely have a lot more than we have imagined.don't lose hope, life's too short and elusive to run after forgotten dreams, dream something new and fascinating tonite!Happy Friendship Day!

Last but not the least this one is for u, fellow libran.

My dear Fellow libran,
"those who bring sunshine into lives of others cannot keep it from themselves"
thank you, for all that u have said and done, thank you for showing me the way, thank you for showing me TC3 and Sabrina, thank you for showing me that i could change, thank you for the smiles and tears.i hope u always smile!!best wishes!Happy Friendship Day!

Follow Your Dreams

There were once 2 brothers who lived on the 80th floor of a tall building.On coming home one day, they realized to their dismay that the lifts were not working and that they have to climb the stairs home.After struggling to the 20th level, panting and tired, they decided to abandon their bags and come back for them the next day. They left their bags then and climbed onWhen they have struggled to the 40th level by this time they had gone sufficiently mad and irritated. The younger brother started to grumble and both of them began to quarrel. They continued to climb the flights of steps, quarreling all the way to the 60th floor. They then realized that they have only 20 levels more to climb and decided to stop quarreling and continue climbing in peace. They silently climbed on and reached their home at long last.Each stood calmly before the door and waited for the other to open the door. And they realized that the key was in their bags which was left on the 20th floor.........
This story is a reflection on our life and times.All of us climb the tall building called life....some till all the 80 floors and some less.Many of us climb under the expectations of our companion. Time to time these are our friends and parents till the 20th floor, then our spouse and our dear ones till the next level of the building. We seldom get to do the things that we really like and love and areunder so much pressure and stress so that by the age of 20, we get tired and decided to dump this load. Being free of the stress and pressure, we work enthusiastically and dream ambitious wishes. But by the time we reach 40 years old, we start to lose our vision and dreams. We began to feel unsatisfied and start to complain and criticize.We live life as a misery as we are never satisfied. Reaching 60, we realize that we have little left for complaining anymore, and we began to walk the final episode in peace and calmness. We think that there is nothing left to disappoint us, only to realize thatwe could not rest in peace because we have an unfulfilled dream...a dream we abandon 60 years ago.
So what's your dream.....?
Know your dreams and follow it so that you will not live with regrets.
Accept yourself...
ieve in yourself...
Like yourself...

7:35 PM 8/5/05

I have been wondering about how sometimes our choices are not so right and once made we have no way of changing it.I keep asking myself the question over and over again whether I was right in not attempting further communications with my best friend Sam!? At times I feel a horrible sense of guilt clotting inside my throat. Was I simply waiting for a chance to get rid of her? The truth is I had started feeling irritated with her, and my normal impatience had given way to nasty mean words against her, although not in front of her. But how long would it have been before I started saying things on her face? I am afraid that I have simply ran away from the bitterness that seemed inevitable at that point. I am also afraid I had simply draged the game of 'I am having problem with my best friend just like you 'a little to far and actually started believing it. I guess I tried too hard to be in the shoes of D after his unfortunate break off from his best friend. Guess I stepped too surely and too comfortably into those shoes. A mistake!It has been almost 4 months. Like always I think I felt sure I would in the end work it out with Sam. But honestly now I feel it has become too late to try and do anything. At one point of time calling her for her birthday had seemed a good thing, it seemed a good idea even to give her some time to cool off. But may be it wasn't such a terrific idea! After all the more time she has had may have deepened the hurt or pain and even made certain her misunderstandings against me. So it is quite futile, what more could I do?There is a terrible feeling! A feeling that I let down our friendship and worse for someone who really doesn't care for me. Inspite of all he will do or still does the hate once ingrained can never really be wiped away, they have left scratches and with every false step they become more etched into my heart and I am afraid I shall never really be close to him. Don't expect that was the motto, inspite of all I was sceptical whether we would meet further, that is ok I belive, it is my duty to call once on Sunday as a goodwill gesture on friendship day, although i can very well skip it, after all i have already sent the cards... but still one can as an attempt to retrieve an object one desires back, if only he would have brought it lawst day.Shows how much he cares! He can go to hell I don't care, just return ,my god damn CD.

10:25 PM 8/4/05

Well I have been asked why my blogs are not being updated, one reason I can give instantly is that I haven't had the time, and the second is there's hasn't been any thing worthwhile to write about.The second reason is perhaps a bit untrue, but then again, normally I write almost everything in the blogs never expecting them to be read. Yet they are being read and well in certain terms it's flattering to think that my posts are being sought after even if in jest.So this calls in for some fresh spate of creativity, And thanks due to Rick, who else but my very own Fellow Libran.After the re-christening of TC3 in to Sabrina, there has been certain developments, one being I don't get to see Rick everyday, although it has been only a week or so but I do feel it's been a long time, but then Librans have an uncanny habit of popping up when you least expect them. So, today's call from him requires special mention, for that is the very reason I have sat down to write.
The Prodigal has returned and created quite a surprise I must say. And well out of my civility and perhaps selfishness I went to meet him. Gave him his much dusty and cobwebbed birthday gift. And was of course expecting my CD's back but then the old bloke seems to be suffering from Alcheimerz, his own admission.Although the outing didn't come to blows, there was that restraint I felt, in all that I said and did, and finally as the day waned into dusk I felt the faint whiff of melancholy in the air, but before things got too out of hand, we walked away, and as always the cab reached its destination.Thank god for little mercies!Frankly there is an ease, how much of it put on and pretension I cannot fathom, yet, there is this new feeling, of what more to say, why say anything anymore!2 friends down the hatch, well good going , soon at the rate at which you are going there won't be anymore left to lose. Great Going indeed, girl, you are the very best when it comes to being a lost case, as lost as it can get.Again thank god for small mercies, a call cheered you up. Well, dear Fellow Libran what can I say you made my day with your words. Thanks Pal!!
And a small lil prayer goes out for you from my heart.
take care!!
sleep tight!!
love..
Sabrina!! ;-)

a long time since

hi everyone,
yes it has been such a long time since i have posted anything on the blog. i have been busy after my training with classes and other things.
although i have made attempts and managed to write a few lines but they have not seen the light of the net. yes, i have been rather lazy in that.
i tried posting a bit of it recently only to realize that the place i was accessing the net from had the site barred.
recently i also got a bit of feedback from 'juicyfruit' a park ranger from US, that was exciting to think that someone out there read what i was wiritng.
thanks to him.
I haven't been seeing much of Rick, hopefully when i finally update my blog you will read a bit about whats been happening here.
till than cya...