v-day spcl

tmrw is valentine's day, & as usual the newsprint and the television media is going overboard with its V-day celebrations. i really am wondering what is different this yr? i mean all these yrs V-day has meant so many things to me, and i know to my frnds, and all of a sudden things are diff. it is a lil difficult to xplain this bt i will try.when i was in school, this was smething the older seniors did wid their bf's. and they wud exchange cards and gifts on the sly, may be even hold hands and we thot it was like something straight out of those movies on star movies.with time when we became the senior class, a lot of my frnds wud get asked out, some wud even get cards and gifts, amazingly they wud accept the gifts then be so afraid that they wud throw them, i was very strangely a lot more practical than i wud hve expected myself to be, i wud tell these guys not to give me those gifts coz i wudn't be able to keep them and that they shud give them to someone who wud care.i guess i might have cme across as a rude person, i dont think i smiled a lot then!walking into the higher secondery stage i remember getting sweet V-day cards from classmates, and before you start thinking "lesbian" let me clarify, the cards were signed Rahul Dravid, it was a sweet gesture, i guess i never really returned them any cards, i always kept those and cherished them, strange behavior it may seem, although all of us were very aware that these cards were not ever frm these people we were in love with or so many thot, but it was nonetheless good to hold the cards and read then over and over again.then came university life, and with it LOVE, ahh! of all the dreams i have dreamt and all the wishes i have made here was one finally coming true. but was it? i guess we and may be i shudn't generalize, me to be specific, always have a lot of expectations from life and none of them more than wat we perhaps deserve, but the problem is most often these expectations are based on the actions of other people and not on things that we can control and hence the disillusionment when they do not behave the way we want them to.these lil dreams lie broken and strewn on the ground.... do u know how i spent my first V-day wid a real guy? real because till then i was in love wid rahul so u can see the difference... i spoke to this guy, apparently my first love, hah! anyway i spoke to him the night before and i spent the entire day of 14th waiting for his call, dressed and waiting, i did not eat ... i watched 3 movies on star, and, then finally around 6 pm, after having sat waiting for 9 hrs i finally turned off the TV and hid my face in my pillow and cried like i had never cried, it was one of the worst things ever, i cud have been out wid my frnds or simply attending classes like any othr day but i was made to feel spcl and then thrown away to a cornor almost like a useless piece of junk. i got a call frm this so called bf of mine, he hd spent the entire day helping a frnd fix his PC... anyway, so finally after a lot of gushy overtures, i get shouted at as if this was entirely my fault, but then i was a fool and so after a lot more tears we decide to meet, and well spent an extremely boring evening. i don't know how i managed to, but i guess u have these fears that u r asking too much, but the truth is u r not, u deserve every bit of it, and if the person on the othr side is nt giving u that all u can do i tell them wat u want, if they r jus simply incapable of giving u wat u want, u move on. the best thing to do, atleast this way u do not keep on hurting each othr, and i guess in certain ways u can always accept what u get ...anyway i was on my V-day story, so next yr, i break up wid the person i loved for the first time in my life, and well, on V-day my sweet frnds hangout wid me, and we go out for lunch and it is great fun. i recieve a Happy V-day msg from my by then ex which doesn't effect me, becoz it dsnt mean anything after the hurt, after last yr, after the one yr of pain. but when i walked back to home passing all those familiar places i knew i cudn't live here, i had to move away, smewhere far away where these things wudn't haunt me, and i fall bck onto my career plans.so i start preparing for CAT... and i meet smeone really spcl. and then comes another 14th feb, where i go out wid my family for dinner, right before my CAT re-test. i wondered that night, cud i ever get away from the maddening feeling i had. i was happy in smeways, in love again and although this one wasn't as fast and furious like my previous i figured with time it wud be perfect like everyone said it wud be. so i was happy!last yr V-day: one more yr gone and my love had grown but it hadn't touched enuff to turn a heart towards me, and so with a physical distance of 2000kms and unfortunate miles of bitterness separating me, i went out again with a new set of frnds, spoke of love of hate and somwhere helped a girl find someone spcl, someone who was afraid to try and i egged her on to someone equally spcl. and rest is history.i came back to an empty house and wondered yet again in 6 months what had i done wrong to be pushed away.and here i am a day before yet another V-day! life will go on, inspite of all the small or big hurts i face or don't face, a couple who almost didn't make it is together this yr, and i am also right here, and it almost feels strange that i am not sad or miserable, it's not as if i dont care abt V-day anymore, i do very much and the yr i have sme one spcl to share it wid i will, and it will be the best one he has or ever cud have, thats a kind of promise i made to myself whilst writing this, next time im wid someone, where there is smething spcl i will not wait, i will do wat i want (have wanted) to do and the rest, as i like saying, will be yet another History!!
i don't know how the hell Shaan came up wid that song.... but it sure as hell makes sense to me everytime (??), what can i do? i am frolific in falling in love...."Bhul ja ... muskura... hai kasam tujhe... khudko yu na de tu saza...iss bar dil ka sauda kar na na yu bewaja...unn yadoon ko tu bhul ja.."
"THERE IS NO REMEMBRANCE WHICH TIME DOES NOT OBLITERATE, NOR PAIN WHICH DEATH DOES NOT END." -- DON QUIXOTE : CERVANTES.

suddenly oneday

the subject line reads as if this mail is more like a poem or at least a short story, well, i guess i do belive letters are in their own league a genre of literature. did you know that at one point of time, novels were written in the form of letters to and from various characters? actually, the earliest form of writing for leisure as in the form of novels was in the form of collection of letters, most often fictitious ofcourse.anyway that was a bit of my english hons back ground taking over. honestly, i have this feeling most often i tend to write only abt vry personal things, really of vry lil importance in the realm of intellectual reading, so, i guess my letters or mails shall never really find place in a collection of letters, ehh?kidding!!
one of my frnds on the net is Raghu, he is frm hyderabad, he and i have exchanged letters, handwritten ones, i mean. and it was a surprise and a pleasure to exchange thoughts with him. you see apart from popla i dont think anyone till date has bothered to write back, again let me be very specific, i probably mean you, because technically over the past few years it has been only u who i hve written to.anyway, Raghu belives, that he is not made out to write abt mundane things, things which happen in our day to day life, but letters acco to him should contain such thoughts which cannot be always verbalized and some grains of thoughts which can be retained for the future times to think and savour.i did build up a habit of sorts (if three letters can form a habit?) of writing like that, but honestly, it actually takes a lot of effort to write that way.
Rajdeep says it is not one fine day that a writer starts writing beutiful and meaningful things. he said to me just the other day, that priyanka the day u started writing, do u think u composed the best poem or the best writing, it has taken u time and with every line u have written u have gotten better at it, it is smething that u urself cn feel happening as u read ur series of writings, u have bcome better at understanding ur own emotions and thoughts and finding the correct and most imptly appropriate word to express it.Rajdeep is vry good at talking i smetimes feel listening to him as if he reading from a pre-written script, he is so well organised in what he wants to say and right from the logical flow of his thoughts and the choice of his words he is quite the orator. yes, i talk incessently but there is an art of speech which smehw he happens to knw or has developed, i dont knw which?anyway, having given this concept of developing better writng skills, i started to read my older writings, and i realised he was right. after all these years, i do feel that my poems or for that matter writing cn be read and understood by others. the immaturity of my writing was reflected in my fear that my poems were much too personal for pple to understand, but nw i realise that as time has gone by my choice of words have brought the thoughts away from personal closure to a public openness.i guess i ought to explain what got us talking abt this, i was wondering hw cme pple who write these amazing lyrics which u hear and almost feel that had u but thought this was exactly smething u wud hve written but u didn't write, to this Rajdeep said that it has taken these men and women years to come to such point where when ever they write such words take form, and ofcourse consatnt polishing is part of the artistic process, before i did not change anything i wrote trying to keep the sponataneity of it intact but there is much more beyond the spontaneous overflow of emotions, as wordsworth said, he himself changed and chopped his creations. that is truly the creative process.i also belive that most of our thoughts and especially a lot of wat i feel is extremely intangible and to put them into words is a very difficult concept, to begin with one must understand oneself in order to do so, apart from that i feel one needs to accept oneself and look at oneself, the real self in our inner mirror and accept that face and then only can someone write without fear, i belive part of this is also inborn, this truly ingenious thought ought to win me a noble prize, ehhh?
no, i guess i have completely rattled ur brains, or may be no, i wonder if any of my words leave a lasting impression on people's mind? a question which should not come to me, if i am to bcme a true artist, i must ignore all those why's only to write as much as possible...
so that some day when i am no longer mingling my life's breathe in these lonely environs someone somewhere may remember the wafting fragrance of some unknown flower reminds him of someone he knew who said something that makes sense now, yet, the name remains forgotten... or may be a smile streaks the corners of the curve to remember conversations under cobwebbed memories.
remember me, world, for i always fell in love with YOU over and over again!!

5th feb 06

i went out wid popla y'day, it ws strange tht y'day one of her former class 12th frnd shud turn up, she was ok, i mean nice and all. u knw hw terribly judgemental i can get smetimes! anyway, she ws supposed to retrn by a train in the eve to kharagpur, and it seemed that bcoz of the traffic we might nt b able to mke it to howrah. then she gt a call frm her bf and she ws almost in tears. neither i nor popla were aware hw serious the issue of her cmin to visit a frnd to kol ws wid her bf. incidentally, popla hd been pestering her to stay bck for the night and in her initial negatives one cud hve easily read an uneasiness due to changing her plans in the middle and a sort of fear that comes wid realising that our parents will be very upset and worried abt us. i am sure thats wat popla ws thinking, she even offered to talk to her parents, but obviously there ws more to the story, i ws surprised to find myself telling popla not to force this gal.i don't knw frm wat instinct i did that. but later both me and popla realised she was scared stiff of her bf... who ws getting pissed by the minute, because she ws getting late and might miss the train. seeing her in almost tears and hearing her say things like "i have searched for committment and not found it and now that i have found it i don't want to upset him.." she is doing MA frm RBU in english, i don't knw, i almost felt a relief wash over me, i wasn't this desparate. yes it is grt to b in a relationship and right nw i crave nothing more than to be in a relationship but to be so insecure as to let smebody lead my life... i am nt sure. neither popla nor i could really associate wid her, but smewhere we both agreed every1 hs a diff way of looking at life, if this made her happy (again happiness being vry subjective and almost unmeasurable) then she ought to do it. and i thought to myself, may be i wud hve done the same given the situation.
this gal had been in a relationship wid the wrong kind of person although perfect in terms of career and all that, for 5 years, and smehow i understood the horrors she may have felt when dealing wid a bastard like him.i have been around several of these and i knw for a girl like her it must have been tough.i think she has kinda jolted me out of a revery, the need that i feel, and speak of will never override my personality, my pride, the essential human being that i am. it is a lil difficult to expect things to be perfect in such scenarios, but whatever the permutations and combinations that may ultimately cme abt, things i have a feeling always find a way to wrkout for the best.
i asked myself a q quite a number of times, actually the last part of the journey wid popla ws almost in silence as both of us were in deep thought.. i asked myself, wud i be happy in such a relation, hypothetically? after all it isnt difficult to see that the guy is terribly possessive and cares a lot for her at times bordering on jealousy.
anyway, as always i was unburdening my mind more than anything else. doesn't it seem that i ask a lot of q's and then never find answers, i must confess most often when typing the q's i stumble upon the ans or threads to them and never write abt them. popla says u shudn't compromise on wat u want, i guess thats right, there will be so many things to compromise on once u meet that person, it is stupidity to perhaps compromise on what u want, coz if u do that at the very beginning when difficult times come infront of u, the bitterness of regret may cloud ur heart and mind. as always heart is always before the mind... atleast for me....

rang de basanti

Amazing movie! almost "unreal" like the RJ says. i'm listening to the music now, the song "tu bin bataye" played for the proposal scene between madhavan (ajay rathore) and soha ali (soniya)- underplayed - expressions and silent actions. the song is almost like a background score, the voices of the characters are not heard yet you can almost hear everything they are saying. the concept so fantastic of a film within a film and the subtle way in which our national past meets the personal present of the six characters is ironic as is the 'dead hero brought home wrapped in the national flag' charade played during drunken revelry.it is no doubt apt that they should die - as all who have been heroes must. after all that is how poetic justice or 'injustice'(sic) can be shown.the background score is so fantastic (again lost for words!!) it is almost unbearable not to concentrate on it more than on the action on screen.but my question perhaps remains unanswered yet again, does the generation really awaken? i donot even hear people discussing the movie with fervour in public, or may be it is a personal realization and an awakening inside. one can find an excuse for no whispers or agitated voices even at the end of the movie- it was really moving, leaving us speechlees - with grief, sorrow, pain, hurt - some emotions indescribable because of their depth and variety.films should be like this and they are entertaining yet deep and meaningful. shades of every one of the characters drawn becomes apparent to the individual audience at different points of time.yet does the fil make a great differnece to the youth? will we not forget it as one of the first hits of 2006? may be once again "rang de basanti", yet one more film on colors, will be lobbyed out of india's nominations for oscars.it is filmy - unreal - i almost did not belive that the defense minister had been murdered. i do not know why but the character of 'karan' spoke to me more than any other. he seemed more human. not mouthing big words, doubtful, moved in love, pain, hurt and the rest will be history.whoever you are -unreal as u may be, i fell in love with you.
i just found out ur name was siddharth, cool name dude!!