Back again after a few days. And what will I write? Sometimes I really cannot understand myself, I did not go to office on Saturday, why? I felt I was sick and didn't go but I have a feeling that it was more than that. Could it be that I was upset that Rick left? Yes, on Friday he has received his transfer order to shift to a new dept. This dept is in the floor just below mine. So? Why am I disappointed? Ever since he told me that morning he has got the offer, I started sliding down the hatch of depression. But when he ultimately left and before that said he was going to join from Saturday, I just went from bad to worse. Although I had been vociferous about liking office, I just realized that I was so happy with office because there was someone to talk to. Now there is no one, it is back to boredom.
I hadn't realized that I would be so disappointed with him leaving. Sometimes I feel angry with myself for being such stupid person. I guess D was right, considering Rick repeated the same thing and Librans know best, I am a 'dumbo'. It is so true!
Yesterday out expedition to KFC ended in a zilch with the kind of crowd outside, there isn't one good place in here that is left for us, all the places are crowded by silly wannabes, and stupid middle aged aunties and uncles, don't they have anything better to do in life?
I am probably being difficult, actually walking past those familiar haunts drove a stake through my heart, the hangout, the lawn and pizza hut and the lazy walks, I guess I am very much in love still. Perhaps bitter, but still emotional about it. When I think of D I do feel a horrible pain in my heart. Just now I thought might be if Rick seriously isn't around, I might end up calling D up or messaging. And everything will be undone. Yet that is the easiest, I cannot fight. I have never really been a fighter; eventually I will give up and fall again.
Yesterday Ish said something I agreed to, she thinks for all the hurt, I went in for the ride, I guess I can't blame the poor blokes with all of it, I went for the ride knowing well, it would hurt. Very much like addiction isn't it, although I keep saying that I can never be addicted, guess I am already, addicted to falling in love and unfortunately hurting myself. What a masochistic behavior!
What else do I want to say? Well if I end up in office today, Rick won't be there, and that is sad but one thing worked out for him I am sure slowly things will work out. May be I will never see him again! May be he has already forgotten me, but that should not bother you, no body remembers, except you, and you should also start forgetting.
"Kahi se ye fiza ayi ghamo ki dund sang layi, khafa ho gaye tum juda ho gaye hum.."
I miss you so much, and yet, I cannot do anything, why do I ever care about anyone, one, I never learn my lessons and two, I am addicted. Yep sounded two very good excuses!
So all those I warned about love, your advisor has fallen in love and well it's the same vicious cycle over and over again. I cannot help missing you. And I have no way to communicate, for I haven't left any doors open.
Here's to nothingness! CHEERS!!!
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