a mail, unsent!

dear D,
i imagine the night you are talking about, is the night when you spoke to me after having been in kolkata for a month, and not informing me, and obviously, taking a one way decision about our relationship, and not talking to me for over a month.
although your behavior is nothign new for me now, afetr knowing you for almost two years.
i belive you are the sort of person who hates being reminded of teh past. you have yourself used "past is past" as an excuse a number of times.
since we are reminded of the past, things that have hurt us. let em remind you of something.
you had your own problems with your frind, and you took it out on me when we went to watch harry potter. for what? for refusing to give you advice on whether you should but a watch. you do see that this is teh most ridiculous thing to be angry or upset about. yet, you nehaved with me in the most atrocious manner, in a way that shocked me to my very bones.
i cannot imagine on what level i felt it ws my fault. yet, i did take the blame for something tht i didn't do. why? because i felt this ws a much smaller thing in comparison to our friendship. pardon me! for trying to be your friend.
at the end of this you asked me to forget everything and go back to out friendship. i did. the second time was in another couple of weeks, just because i told you not to speak loudly ont he ph inside the movie theatre. and then you left for delhi without informing me. but this time you did it on purpose, and sorry your reason is unsatisfactory, you did what you did to hurt me. and that is somthing i nevr imagined you of being capable. how worng we r abt pple!
after the troy episode u told me on the msger that we ought to be friends again. i am damn sure u do not need any fridns, but well i end up having to be ur friend every time, ever since,a long time.
jan this yr u gto angry again coz i said i cud nt talk to u all the time. y u get angry remains a mystery to me always.
then u hd ur apparent guilt which prevented u frm being my frnd anymore. and now-
i really don't get it, i really am unable to understand wht hppns. u keep getting angry with me and i nvr knw why and i keep apologising for no fault of mine.
nw let me come tot he vry night tht has upset u now, u can obviously tke offence at anything, and i can't. at least i explain my reasons for being upset u dont even bother.
if it makes u feel better, when i denied having any sleeping pills, it was only to stop u frm feeling guilty.
and D honestly, i hve never blackmailed u. it is u who feel guilty, i have nothing to do with tht. may be u shud gve this a thot--- why do u feel guilty? may be bcoz there is smething to be guilty abt. no one cn make anothr guilty. and i think u knw tht very well.
as far as blackmailing is concerned,let me remind u i did not want to meet u u kept insisting tht i shud.








if it is so hard for u to see things simply, let me make it simpler.
i hv nothing to say anymore abt anything.although i began this as another of my explainations i do not think i want to give any furtehr explainations to anyone anymore. i am what i am. what you see is what you get. i am tired of explaining everything i ever do.
u may think whtevr u wish, my only regret is the one person i tuly felt a frindship with, the only person for whom i changd myself so much, the only person who has hurt me so much yet whom i have forgiven everytime, the only guy who i thought ws at least honest with me, has today hurt me so much that i cannot breath, i cannot think, i cannot feel anything anymore.
i belived u cud nt inform me coz u hd toleave in a hurry may be coz u were pressed for time, may be u jus forgot, but u r angry wid me for somethign i didn't do, for smething that happened bcoz of u, bcoz u hurt me, u knw i think i should have jus died. i dont knw why i didnt aftr hearing ur escapades in delhi. then atleast u wud have a reason to feel very gulity abt.
all the things i have done
all the tears i have cried
all the pain i have felt
all the anger i have forgotten was to see our fridnship survive.
obviously that frindship dsnt mean teh same thing to us both.

i think u are cruel. when i was madly in luv wid u, u kept on atlking abt being frnds, and nw that it hs sme meaning for me, it has bcme unimp to u.
although, u feel disturbed havin been blackmailed, i am no stranger tot his feeling. everytime i hve tried to move away frm u, distance myself frm u, u hve stopped me wid ur glib words. hw it hurts u to hear me say that iw ill leave u that i will forget u. or he u r upset that i hvent considered u for a movie outing. these might hve been part of ur daily routine of niceness with pple. but these words have menat smething to me.
it meant the eorld to me. but obviously, it is but my mistake. i knew you wud hurt me but i nvr knew so much and so many times.
everytime i hve felt angry with u, i have thot of smething nice abt u and forgotten the anger. but u, hve cntd to hurt me. it is only bcoz of ur frnd tht i still remained ur 'frnd' aftr u told me abt ur gf.
i didn't want u to feel tht u hd made a bad investment in frndship.i cntd to be ur frnd even if it hurt me or ruined my life.
it uwd hve been the easiest thing to hv stopped being ur frnd tht vry day when u offerd to leave. but i didnt eevn though what u hd done ws a dagger thru my heart. but i looked at ur face and the only thing i saw ws the smiling face of a frnd, who i knew wud stand by me in watevr life broght wid it.
but i guess i was day dreaming as always.
i am sorry for making u feel guilty.
i am sorry for making u upset and disturbed.
i am sorry for making u feel blackmailed.
i am sorry for making u feel used.
and the thing i am most sorry for is trying to be ur frnd.
i can obviously nvr be a frnd to u.
i just don't qualify.
sorry to have wasted ur time.
what life hs in store? i dont knw.
what time has in store? i dont knw.
what God has in store? i dont knw.

i knw that God has seen everything and heard everything.
he will do what is the best for me, i have faith in him.

but in this mail let me do something(as ur frnd) tht will make things simpler for u.

D, from today u r free frm all obligations of frndship with / towards me.
our relationship has always been what u have wanted it to be, by removing the obligations of emotions i free u, to do as u please without the associated guilt, remorse, sadness, fear or anything that u may have felt of hurting me.
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