a mail to Rick (not sent)

10:23 PM 6/25/05
aaj jano ami dwaipayan ke debar jonne eei bochor je gifta kine chilam sheta dekhlam.
his bday is on 29th may, ami jantam na whether i wll meet him so i hadn't packed the gift, kintu at 12 midnite 29th may i spoke to him and i nvr felt more happy, to hear him say he was coming down to salt lake the day and we will go out for a movie. i woke up in the morning excited and then it was a long day a very long and a longer night.
i had planned to give him a surprise by turning up at his residence on his bday, i had packed the gift with care and wrote beautiful words, not too personal not to make him uncomfortable, and yet warm and friendly and a bit of poetry for old times sake.....
it was the warmest thought i had tried to send, and as i sat in the evening mad with anger and cried i picked up the gift with its outer pretective plastic cover and placed it on the top of my bookcase and pushed it further away from sight, with the box that has his photographs and his gifts.
today i don't know why, i took that gift down, i will send it to his kolkata residence, since i bought it inhis name i might as well send it, neither cn i gift it to any1 else nor keep it. so i will do that. i first thought of sending it to his delhi hostel but why should i. i will send it to his home, he will find out eventually or nvr.
i dont care anymore.
why am i saying this, well i got a msg frm my best frnd in b'lore she asked me to write to her, and i did, and in tht letter i spoke abt all tht happened in the past month, and i talked of my decision and i felt a lil less miserable and then i said to her tht i wud send his gift. i haven't asked her but i knw she will give her opinion.
and why am i telling you..... well i dont knw whether i will finally, but well now that things are on a slow track to recover with you, i guess i feel a lil less guilty to share my burdens of grief, if i may call them so.
i hope you don't mind!
love
priyanka!!!!