my mind wanders........

6/23/05 11:20 PM
Sometimes my heart ponders why? Yes I feel so lonely at times yet there are so many out there who are so much troubled with their lives that they feel so helpless, that is so much more than I have to face.
This is no philosophy; I am no philosopher, yet I cannot keep from expressing my self. Today I read Joy's mail and he says he is lonely in Bangalore; he is doing his industrial training there. This is the same person who has spent 3 years in IIT. Why that is significant is that he has never before been away from his family. But that is not what I want to talk about, it is that one word, 'lonely' that hit my conscience today morning, at least I felt a cold bitterness wash over me. Yesterday night was excruciatingly painful for a person's very happiness depended on what advice I gave and suddenly I felt so inadequate.
Yes, that is the exact word I was searching for. Off late, a number of people have shared their corners of the heart, where they keep their pain and hurt hidden with me. And I find my self surrounded with so much pain, hurt and tears that all my pining after D seem futile, and I am ashamed of myself, even to be able to speak of my hurt and pain seems a shameful act at present. I know I am being too harsh on myself.
But I feel inadequate to say anything to them, at least anything concrete, after all who am I to say anything? I am not an authority on LOVE.. I have never been in love, never understood love, never recognized love, and never known love. So, I am a misfit in the role of an advisor. But then again I start thinking, all these people want may be is a bit of support, or may be not as someone says. Why do we have to be brave? I wish I didn't have to? Yet, given an opportunity to somehow express how much it hurts or pains I back out immediately, what do I fear? I wonder I went through a hell with S and after S and yet never said one word, without laughing it away in the next breathe to any one, not even my then best friend. How come? Then is Rick right in saying that I do not really have any friends? May be he is right. He is right actually, or may be I am selfish and has never shared my tears with anyone.
Possibly that is the reason I have become so addicted to D. yes, that is the exact word I have used. I am addicted to his presence, his ability to make me laugh; to make me wonder could there be anyone better than him! There couldn't be. But here I am writing a post that is meaningless.
Rick is so nice and yet somewhere I feel so inhibited, I can see I will never perhaps be able to tell him. He says all those things so easily but whenever I try to say anything everything seems futile. What is the use of repeating anything? It is over and done with? Then I think what will he think? His questions like how did you manage to fall in love twice hit me hard as if I am this very very small person. I do not know what makes me feel this way but most certainly there are too many thoughts and doubts crowding my mind for me to ever say any thing. I always feel ill at ease. But I like it when he said that I was his friend, although I did not see it but he shared so much of his life that so few people know. It was a humbling feeling. I wonder what God has in store. When Popla had written in that letter, God never takes someone away because he wants to punish you but because he is emptying your hand for something else, something better. If I had to compare losing D, considering I never had him, to meeting Rick, I'd say God has been fair with me. Ever feel someone up there loves you a lot, I get that feeling sometimes, I wonder, today suddenly sitting in Rick's car, the music in the background and the familiar places rushing past, I for a moment thought whether there is always a reason for everything. Why am I not at Stan C? Is it so bad? May be I was supposed to be here. And why? To meet Rick,! To see a side to men, no let us not generalize, to see a man in love, to not lose the faith, not to lose the trust, not to stop loving, to be reminded that I cannot stop loving people ….. ……
I am sure you would ask and what good is all this to Rick? But there is an answer to that too, may be, he is God's own person and so God didn't want him to be alone in those moments. May be God wanted to show him the way and I am merely the vehicle of his will. That sounded so preachy, yet I believe in things like that. I feel this more because there are so many times I have written a particular thought and then deleted it write something so uncharacteristic of me as if someone guided my hands to answer him.
I do not know the fear of losing 'it', whatever it is, grips my heart, I mean why do I get flustered as if I am always under trial, I feel I am pretending all the time, yet that is what I set out to learn in professional life, and I am so confused. Why am I left so confused at the end of each day?
I read this somewhere, life and love the two great mysteries, the more you learn about it, the more you experience it you are no where close to explaining it, the mystery goes on. It's going to be past midnight any moment now, just 3 minutes more.
Why did I write that? It is so much like those mails I used to write to D. I wonder whether he ever read them, why did I spend so much of my time, my energy on this one person who I knew from the first day would never love me? I am a fool and a bigger fool for breaking my heart over a stone, a stone cold heart.
Ish is right, we can never really be real a 'bitch', we just say that we are, cause we know very well we aren't and the people around us know it too. Strange. That she should think of the same thing I was thinking. What a telepathy!
Why did I crack the silly joke about city center? It was so stupid, I sometimes get into these lame games. Yes, it has been quite sometime now that I have had a decent fun conversation, it was good. I feel good, less of sad about this whole episode.
Although I am vociferous about me never getting addicted to anything, I bet I am addicted with this falling in love thing. And I am so desperately trying to rid myself of this that I have become conscious of what I say or do. That's sad, this is what I was afraid would happen. I am growing old.
It's strange that Rick and Souvik should look almost similar something I hadn't noticed till I saw the group post about he and Apra working on the Brochure. Well I was going to miss him, he is so cute, and after such a long time the girls agreed that he was evidently cute. Very teddy bearish! Just a thought, how much of 'I can't talk to him cause he is my senior from university' was true and how much of it pretending only to make people laugh? I was a bit tongue tied with him, my Bf(s) would all be so shocked.
You know inspite of all I feel as if I have had a good life, at least I am not in the shoes of someone who is in love and is ending up hurting her love cause of following the path of propriety, or in the shoes of one who sees something her friend suffer, wishes things would be ok yet loves him enough to want him for her self. Darn bad shoes to walk into, ehh?
Jokes, yep my defense mechanism! Once it was rudeness and now it is a hollow laughter, smirking face and a goofy grin, its all teeth and no heart. Sad! I am becoming a person I do not like at all.
****
City center- will it ever be the same? Inox- will it ever be the same? Swabhumi - will it be the same?
Pranks_inluvwid_you@ ?? .com meaningless.
Right here, in this room, this seat and this PC, an extraordinary story, of love, of friendship all in a bag, lost and found and lost forever.
I miss you so much! I can't forget you yet I must, I have to, and so this will only be on my blog and not in a mail. You deserve a life without guilt, without a baggage, without me. I had let you go of my love, and now I have let you from my friendship too. You are free. Fly! Fly! Don't come back, go away so far where my sobs and pleadings cannot reach you even my screams fail to reach across the distance.
I am not growing old, I am just no longer interested in any more relationships or friendships, and they are meaningless without you. You taught me to be a friend and well what remains are but habits. The energy, the vitality, the desire has ebbed away, merely the daily routine of breathing remains, and slowly that too shall seize.
At times I want to scream at Joyie, several times last night I felt like it, to say it, why are you fretting, there's nothing called love? All this is meaningless stuff, written by people who were never happy. All those poets and writers unhappy, love lorn wrote all this crap and we believed in them. All those stupid fairy tales, they aren't true, and dreams don't come true.
At other times I want to tell Rick tell your gf she has to chose between you or her silly stubbornness, what does she want your happiness or your suffering? Yet I can't for I know they still have hope. And I dole out hope from and empty heart and mind. Hope left me a long time ago. Yet I say God sees us, when asking him a thousand and one times for one thing, DWAIPAYAN, I write his name only to hit the backspace key.
Tears find a dry course across my face, flowing freely almost like blood, when I had cut my hand last year. Those 5 stitches with no anesthesia was hell, yet I had called out your name every damn time the needle went through my skin like a hot knife, yet you never understood what you had meant to me. Yet right now you are 2000 kms across ohh god! My hands are actually shaking so much I think I cannot go on.

" le ja sans hi to baki hai who bhi le ja
dadkane khali hai who bhi le ja
jo chaha who nahi hai
jo na chaha barkat mei hai
jo sukun chahaton mei nahi
who sukun nafraat mei hai .. .."

And today I will HATE you, something thought I never could think at least for you.
Why do I still breathe I wonder sometimes, sometimes my eyes give way to tears for Rick's sadness yet I know I am selfish I am crying for my own selfish reasons. I remember what you said always, 'tallar tank' and I smile, and then I remember I am 'not the one'.
Some people are lucky, he loves her so much, inspite of so much hurt that he faces he hasn't given up. True, Ish is right, I don't think we will ever find people like that. You have to be as Pri says, "dhoa tulsi pata" to get lucky. Yep! I could have today been in a potential relationship, approved by parents yet I chose to follow my heart, so difficult yet so tempting. I am blabbering, I can't keep my eyes open.
Dreams , dreams, dreams, so real do they seem/ I dream all night , all day/ none of them come true/ my dreams.
By the way a parting information the lines quoted in Hindi are from the movie, KARAM, playing through my PC"s loudspeakers, cutting through the silence of them night. Yet the empty space right inside my heart does not seem to fill. As if I have lost something. Oh! I made a mistake I have lost my heart, there is nothing left there. And empty space merely.
Why drag on something, which is raising doubts? Why continue just cause it is a habit? Why want something just cause it can't be mine?
"WHY?"
the never-ending lines float across the screen and I must sleep….. good night all you folks in love and hurting and all those not in love, don't ever fall in love. it is the most meaningless thing you can do. BEWARE!