After HR trainee went back home on Monday

6/13/05 7:40 PM
Today was a fun day full of heartbreaks and smiles. Do I sound sarcastic? Well morning opened with the thought of Rick, yes, I was positive something bad must have happened, and when I reach office in the late hours I will find his chair empty. I steeled myself for the shock and went about my way. The classic case of amnesia hit me, I forgot my class roll number, can you imagine! It has fallen to such disuse now that I did not even have it written anywhere then finally I found a ref to it in one of my diary. And then I realized that my guess had been way off the mark. My guess was 195 and turns out my roll is 12. Laugh as hard as you can. Well I mistook my university roll number as my present.
That was a fun beginning to the day. Went to the institute to and there I meet ‘hound’, he is a classmate and recently the news is he is officially seeing a particular chick. The problem in all this is not as my mom assumes my interest in the guy but the fact that he had made a bet with me at a party I threw at my house, that he would have her in his bed by the end of the 2 years. I am hoping for her sake that he has forgotten that bet as part of the drunken revelry.
But something tells me there is much more to it than meets the eye as he himself confessed that he hasn’t really spoken to his parents as was demanded and assumed by her. She has already done this, but I am again hoping that this may be my overworking imagination and nothing in reality. I do wish their relation a success. I can’t help thinking how some people get so lucky.
We went out and had fun made plans for vacations, which will perhaps never materialize, but it was good. The feeling of being with my friends made me really happy. To top it all a call came from Rick, from office, yet at least it did come and although I was at my most rude behavior, asking him to hang up but I felt relieved. Anyway, the good thing is my friends are the most supportive bunch of people I have ever seen. I constantly get this feeling that I am so much worse than they as a human being and yet I am so lucky to have them as my friend.
I must thank god more often.
So the first showers are here, it rained and it was beautiful, I walked a bit feeling the rain on my skin, it seemed the most easy thing to do, but only for my papers and rather important ones that I had to take a cab. I was nearly ready to go home, but as the office approached I felt I wanted to go there. Not cause of Rick or work but cause I just felt like it. I just hope this lasts. The feeling I mean.
I just don’t know I made a mess today, cried like a fool but I felt good, that place made of concrete and glass seemed a little less lifeless, and I felt alive. I knew I was not dead, not turned inert. I felt the emotions in that mail and it was as if I was reading one of mine own. The ones that I have written to D. When I heard that this had not been answered I felt the bitterness. I realized that because people are so busy being correct and professional and unemotional, any emotion they come across they push it aside. If they read a mail that touches their soul they do not react to it, try harder to steel their heart where nothing can reach anymore. This is what perhaps D means when he says that he feels blackmailed. I guess my mails could be termed as that. But only by an unsympathetic fool who cannot handle his own emotions and is running so scared that he doesn’t know where he is running.
I wonder what would have happened to D if he were faced with the situation Rick faces? He would certainly left the girl and gone and hidden behind his mom. The jerk that he is, he will always have it easy. He will never have to face any ordeal any dilemma and hence he will always remain the immature fool. Good riddance!
I can’t help thinking about Rick, amazing how he smiles in all this, does his work, and can find time for a sense of humor that is absolutely unheard of. How much of it is pretending, how much real? When he says he feels let down, I wonder is this the real Rick or the one who makes me laugh. Then I think why choose? Both of them are him, he is both, like someone said personality is not like a coin it is like a diamond.
I look at Rick and think here is a Libran who is standing up for what he believes, he is not a cry baby yet he has his emotions in the right place cause if he hadn’t he could never have written that mail. But I guess I am a sentimental fool when Rick today said why I was crying so much I realized no one even a fellow Libran would consider my habit of crying at the drop of a coin as very nice. It will be irritating! It is irritating! Emotional, If that be my personality, I should not cry, that I am sensitive or emotional will come across in things I say and do and not in my tears. So here’s saying no more tears!!