12:37 PM 5/30/2005

I am still at my desk and thoroughly bored. I am reading “A Suitable Boy” by Vikram Seth. My dream of becoming a writer seems clouded by grey clouds of doubt. It is no doubt a noble profession, yet I do not really seem to have any scope in it unless I have some degree of patience in everything I do. I am such an impatient person, that it is quite unlikely I will carry an idea of a short story, forget a novel through to it's end. I will no doubt feel bogged down by impatience at the idea taking time to develop on the black and white as in ink and paper, and probably just give it up halfway.
At times I wonder, what lies ahead? Yesterday I was speaking to Ish, she is one chick with beauty and brains, a combination that is becoming harder and harder to come by. If there be any scope of wish fulfillment, there is need to work for it. But there is hardly, any reason to believe or to hope that she, and I well both of us will ever get around the innate laziness that, unfortunately is part (very much an intrinsic!!) part of our personality.
So it seems highly unlikely that we will, both of us (but then I guess I should not include her fate with mine!) ever get anything we want. This conclusion started at a point where both of us had decided that fate plays it's own bitter games wherein, we never get what we have asked for of wished for. However the essential question that has plagued me is that, wanting something cannot be the be all and end all, to want something is not the only activity required, there must be something more to it. But what is that more, and how much is that more? Are we to then work towards achieving it? But if that were achievable then only can we hope to achieve anything. If on the other hand we know it in our mind's that it is something unachievable then will we not feel the need to ask for our wishes to be granted from some superhuman force who to us has more powers and therefore capable of giving us something that we cannot merely achieve ourselves.